Upside Down
by takeyourside
Summary: [COMPLETE] 'Loose auburn curls fell over her shoulders and freckles were scattered over her nose and cheeks.' But all is not as it seems. Life isn't black and white, we live in the grey, as do most of our secrets. But the thing about secrets is they're bound to come out. Sometimes, feeling as if we're helplessly unravelling... Trigger warning: themes of sexual assault/violence.
1. Chapter 1

**The ideas for this story have been bouncing around my head for a while. Inspiration has come from tweets I've seen on twitter as well as interviews with Sarah. It's not going to be a light and fluffy story so if that's what you're here for then sorry! Would like to say a massive thank you to May (darveyscactus) for beta reading for me, you're a star! And thanks to Ali for also offering to give up some of her time. I really appreciate it! I hope you all like the first chapter. This will be a multi-chapter fic but I'm not sure how many yet. Anyway, enough from me. Thanks for reading!**

* * *

He handed her a coffee: black, two sugars, splash of vanilla – their signature coffee. She grasped it with a smirk as the toast popped up. They'd gotten into a routine. She woke up slightly earlier than he did and took slightly longer to finish getting ready so he'd make her coffee and get started on the breakfast, whatever it may be that morning. They had time slots for the bathroom that they adhered to and it was working for them. They'd only been in this relationship for 2 weeks and one day but to an outsider's eye it would seem more like 2 decades. They knew each other's rhythms and patterns so well, which is understandable given their _thing_ lasted for almost 14 years.

They had initially tried to keep their relationship a secret; turning up to work at different times, avoiding physical contact, code words. They'd been busted pretty quickly. Their accidentally obvious eye sex, their whispering, giggling, and, the straw that broke the camel's back, their decision to sneak off into the file room on the 8th day of their official relationship which saw them busted by Louis. The moment was one for the memory books: Donna was hoisted up against the end of the shelving unit by Harvey, who was placing kisses along her neck and collarbone, and Louis looked as though he'd just seen the secret plans for sudden global destruction. The couple giggled as if they were students behind a bike shed as Louis very bluntly stated "I need a day", before marching out of the office.

They arrived hand in hand at Specter Litt Wheeler Williams dressed impeccably and holding the status of the best legal power couple the world had ever seen. They disliked the looks and the whispers they received but they'd spoken about it on the 9th day of their official relationship. They were going to embrace it. That way it would become normalised sooner and they could become so accustomed to it that, eventually, they wouldn't even notice. Everyone would get used to seeing them together and it would die out soon anyway, they told themselves. They were right. The reactions had become lesser and fewer with every day that passed.

Their hands separated upon leaving the elevator, going their separate ways to their offices with one last parting smile.

Harvey walked towards his office with a swing in his step and a smile plastered over his face, he couldn't hide it even if he wanted to (and he did not).

"Good morning, Samantha, what can I do for you?" He wasn't going to let the blonde ruin his mood as he strolled into his corner office to find her stood looking out of his window. She hadn't received the news of his and Donna's romance very well. Her reaction was one of "you've ruined Robert's life yet you get to live happily ever after?"

"Louis asked me to wait here for you to arrive, seems he wants to speak to the both of us." She spoke with utter contempt and Harvey nodded in acknowledgement while ignoring her sour attitude. Fortunately for the both of them, Louis glided into the office with a file in his hand in that moment.

"I've a pro bono for you two to work on together." He announced to the dismay of both name partners, but he was quick to continue speaking to avoid any conflict. "Sexual harassment in the workplace. The alleged perpetrator is another attorney, Luke Manning."

"I met him a few times," Harvey responded instinctively. "He used to work at Bratton Gould. Does Alex know?"

"Not yet, but you understand why I couldn't give this to him. I want the two of you working on this together." Louis declared, handing the file to Harvey, who gave an assuring nod.

"We're on it, Louis," Samantha said with full sincerity. Louis was relieved he was able to kill two birds with one stone. Gretchen was right: a case as serious as this would be bound to break the tension between his employees.

X

Harvey approached the COO's office to find it empty. He entered the room, headed over to the desk and sunk into her chair. The room smelt of her: bergamot, coconut and vanilla. He looked at the work laid out in front of him, almost jealous of her mundane spreadsheets because at least she wasn't working with Samantha.

With a buzz, her phone lit up in front of his eyes.

From Mom: _you said you would phone Ella x_

He furrowed his brow slightly, confused as to what that meant.

"Move out of my seat, asshole," she said with a grin as she entered her office, steaming coffee in her hand. He brushed off his questions and feigned upset at her words, placing one hand on his chest and using the other to wipe away invisible tears.

"Fancy a swap? You can work with Samantha." He stood up out of the seat and walked round the desk to greet her.

"Oh, stop it. You're working well together," she sipped her drink with her typical _'I'm Donna' _look in her eyes. "And you should get back to her." She was right, he should. They were about to meet their client, a twenty-something year old Monique Daye.

"And you need to phone Ella," he said in a stern tone but a playful look. Donna's face fell to confusion and what he thought looked like panic. "Your mom texted, apparently you said you would." He explained and Donna swallowed, looking away from him briefly. "Who even is Ella?"

"No one," she quickly asserted. "Just a relative, that's all," she smiled and drank some more coffee. An awkward air filled the room. Harvey had no reason not to believe her apart from the fact she didn't sound very convincing. She knew it, too. He'd taken her aback with his words and she blurted out the first bullshit response that came to mind.

"Now go, get out of my office, Specter." She resumed a playful tone and she watched as her boyfriend left the room. She exhaled a long, drawn out breath. She stood where she was, contemplating her next move. How long would it be until he next asked about Ella? If she was lucky, he'd become so absorbed in his case that he'd forget about the message altogether. Or, if she was unlucky, he would ask her about it tonight over dinner. He'd suggest they order from that shitty Thai place, eat it sat on her settee instead of the table, and out of the bright blue sky he'd start asking her who Ella is and how they're related. Then what would she do? She couldn't lie, it would make it even worse when he did eventually find out, because there's no doubt that Harvey was going to find out at some point.

"If you don't want that coffee, Red, I'll drink it," the voice broke her chain of thoughts. She looked to see Gretchen holding a stack of papers, presumably a gift from Louis. "From his royal highness," she was right, of course.

X

"Are you done for the day?" Donna asked, leaning against the glass door frame of his office, coat hung over her arm while she held her bag in front of her.

"Just about," he looked up as he spoke. "Can we order a takeout tonight?" Her stomach sunk, _'please, not shitty Thai'_. She nodded. "I was thinking we could get pizza?"

Relief washed over her. He wasn't going to ask about Ella, he'd been so bogged down by work he'd forgotten.

"Pizza sounds good," she replied as he walked over to her. "Ready?"

The short drive home was comfortably silent. She knew what he was thinking: how the hell would he win his case? She didn't know anything about it but it clearly wasn't clear cut, whatever it was.

He placed his hand on her knee at one point, in a protective and reassuring way. He felt guilty being so consumed by his job. He'd been trying to dedicate time and energy to her. Sure, he's a workaholic, but that didn't mean he couldn't be a good boyfriend at the same time.

She unlocked the door of apartment 206 and headed straight to the bathroom to jump into the shower. He'd been assigned the job of ordering the food: she wanted chicken, onion, pepper and feta as well as, in her own words, "some of that to die for garlic bread". For him, pepperoni, sausage, blue cheese and mushroom.

The estimated delivery time was 20 minutes, so he decided to change into something more comfortable. They'd both taken over some of each other's storage space and he grabbed a pair of light grey joggers out of a drawer before throwing on an old Harvard tee.

"Babe!" He heard her call out from the next room. "Can you grab me some underwear?" She yelled and he let out a chuckle. _'Which drawer would she keep her underwear in?'_ He pondered between the first and second but settled on pulling out the first; bingo.

He rummaged in the drawer, looking for a very specific black, lacy, barely-there pair. "A-hah!" He yanked them out with a grin. He looked back to the drawer: what was previously neatly folded and laid out now looked like it had been hit by a bomb. Then, something caught his eye.

An envelope.

"Harvey!" He was brought back to earth and closed the drawer, taking the garment to her.

"I don't know why you couldn't get some yourself, it's not like I've not seen it all before," he said as he walked into the room to see her stood in a towel.

"Yes, but I don't want you getting the wrong ideas, let me get dressed". She hinted with her eyes for him to leave the room but he wasn't having any of it. He wrapped his arms around her waist, his hands placed in the small of her back, and pulled her against his body. She placed her hands on his chest and looked up. He dropped his bottom lip and pulled out the puppy dog eyes. Her response was simply to kiss him before pulling away.

"Dessert comes after dinner, remember?" She smirked before shooing him out.

He returned to her bedroom, still curious as to why she kept an envelope hidden with her underwear. Pulling it out, he could see it was filled with photographs. He sat on the edge of the bed as he took the contents out.

A photo of a young girl was at the top of the stack. She was sat on grass blowing bubbles. Loose auburn girls fell over her shoulders and freckles were scattered over her nose and cheeks.

"Where are you? The pizza's arrived!" She called and he shoved the stack back into the envelope, throwing it into its hiding place. He kept the top photo, though, shoving it into the pocket of his pants before exiting the room.

He spent the remainder of the evening consumed by questions. Who was she? His instincts suggested one thing and his common sense suggested another. Donna was chatting away but it was wasted on him, he didn't listen to a word she said. He ate his pizza in silence, small acknowledgements to what she was talking about but he didn't involve himself in conversation.

"Harvey, are you ok?" She sounded concerned, which was understandable given his complete detachment from the conversation. He looked from his wine glass to her and nodded, before gulping down what was left in the vessel.

"Tired." He declared, not caring for coherent sentences. He felt betrayed, confused, shocked, frustrated, and every other emotion under the sun. He didn't know what he felt or how he was supposed to feel. He didn't even know what it was he was reacting to.

"Going to bed." He stood up and padded out of the room, leaving Donna sat alone and completely stunned. She had no idea what had happened between their moment in the bathroom and the arrival of their dinner. If it was anybody else, she would put it down to work, but this was Harvey Specter, he wouldn't get that affected by a case. She wasn't going to press him for details tonight, it wasn't the right time. She knew him and she knew she was not going to get any details when he's acting like that.


	2. Chapter 2

**Wow, thank you all for your reviews! I was really hesitant about this story but people seem keen and want to read on - for that reason I'll keep this short. Thank you for reading and being even somewhat interested! I hope you all like it.**

**\- Jess**

* * *

_She looked through the glass wall at her boss – he was under a stack of work with close deadlines. She took a deep breath and slowly released. Jessica had offered to tell him for her but she declined; it had to be Donna. _

_She pushed against her desk as she stood up. She left her cubicle with a sway of her hips. She had to feign confidence to gain confidence, or so she told herself._

"_Harvey," she muttered upon opening the glass door. He looked up from the array of papers in front of him. She knew he didn't want to be disturbed but she also knew he wouldn't want to be disturbed for the rest of the day, so it seemed best to tell him before he became even more engulfed in the case. _

"_I know the timing is bad," she began as she walked towards the chair opposite him before taking a seat. "Jessica has given me indefinite compassionate leave." She continued and his face changed to one of pity. _

"_Donna…" He said her name in the way that only he did. A way that held a plethora of meanings but she was able to decipher his thoughts each and every time. _

"_Oh, no, he's not gone." She breathed out and Harvey's face relaxed. He wasn't Jim Paulsen's biggest fan but he knew how much Donna loved her father. The past few months had been tough for the secretary: she'd watched from a distance as her father battled stage 2 lung cancer. Donna had been to visit and help from time to time but her parents insisted she didn't let it take over her life._

"_You know my mother took on the full brunt of his illness, caring for him around the clock? Well, she's exhausted. So exhausted that she collapsed this morning." Donna revealed and Harvey sat back in his chair, intently listening to the redhead speaking._

"_She'll be fine if she takes it easy. Which is why I'm going to Connecticut to help them both for a while." He nodded in response and understanding. He didn't want Donna to go but it wasn't his job to try to stop her; he wouldn't be able to if he tried. _

"_How long do you think you'll be gone?" He asked with hope that she wouldn't be gone for too long._

"_I don't know, Harvey, I'm sorry." She tilted her head ever so slightly and dropped her gaze, her eyes leaving his. She didn't know, that was the truth, but it was far more complicated than Harvey knew. There were too many factors to evaluate for her to know. Too many possibilities. Too many decisions she needed to make. _

X

Harvey woke up, again. It felt like the 73426th time he'd woken that night. In reality, it was only the 3rd. Half of the problem was after waking up he couldn't fall back to sleep and, when he did, the sleep was so short-lived and so light that it didn't seem to do anything other than make him more tired. He picked up his phone from the side table: 5:09 am.

He sat up in the darkness and ran his hand through his hair with a sigh. He looked down to his right to see Donna peacefully sleeping next to him. He reached a hand under his pillow and clutched onto the photo he'd spent his sleepless hours staring out, sending him into a spiralling state of rumination.

He just didn't understand. She looked too similar to Donna to be a niece but there's no other explanation that makes sense. The photo was too high in quality for the girl to be a young Donna or a sister he didn't know about, not only that, Donna would've told him if she had a sister, wouldn't she? What was even weirder was that it was hidden. Why would she hide a photo? Unless…

He tried to shake the feeling away, but he couldn't. It led him to question how much he truly knew about Donna, and it was this thought process that made him get out of bed and leave the room, picture still in hand. He padded towards the kitchen and got himself a glass of water to relieve his coarse mouth and dry throat. He needed to clear his head.

He got changed, tucked the photo in his blazer pocket and left for a run. The crisp morning air was like a magical cure. He felt more alert with every step.

When Donna woke to her quarter past 6 alarm, she rolled onto her left side, eyes still closed, and reached out. She was surprised to feel the bed was empty.

She started her morning routine as per normal, but stopped in her tracks when she entered her kitchen and found it empty. Well, empty apart from her lukewarm coffee and a note reading _left early, lots to do._

'_What's with him?' _she pondered, dumbfounded by Harvey's behaviour. She was Donna, she knew everything, so why didn't she know this? It wasn't Marcus because Marcus always phones her first. It wasn't Lily because he wouldn't have left early, he most likely would've turned up to the office late if that was the case.

She attempted to drink her coffee but after only two mouthfuls decided it was so cold it was unsalvageable. She poured the mug's contents down the sink only to find it was unexpectedly empty; Harvey didn't have a coffee?

On her way to work she grabbed herself a pastry as well as two coffees. Upon reaching the 50th floor, she strode over to Harvey's office. He was stood behind his desk, staring out of the window, turning a baseball in his hand.

"I got you coffee," she said, entering his office. She glanced at his desk to see he'd already grabbed one, though. "Not that you need it." She was smiling but he didn't turn around to look at her.

"Are you okay?" she continued, stepping further inside the room. "You had me worried when you weren't there this morning." Now he turned, a nonchalant look on his face.

"Just busy, that's all." His face and voice lacked expression. He was trying to hide his feelings about the discovery and the only way he could do that was by showing no feelings whatsoever.

"If you're sure that's all," Donna pressed but he didn't react. "Last night you seemed pretty distant. It's unlike you to skip dessert," her tone was playful and she cocked a brow.

"I was tired," Harvey responded without reciprocating her energy, "and now I'm busy, so if you don't mind." He nodded to the door and Donna felt her breath catch in her throat. She placed his coffee on his desk before exiting the room, almost walking straight into Samantha.

Samantha pushed the door open and pulled a face of 'what the hell was that about?'. Harvey shook his head – no way was he discussing this with _her_ – and she sat down in the chair opposite his.

"Coffee?" He offered the cup to her and she accepted before he too sat down. "I assume you're here because you have something for me and not just because you enjoy my company."

"Monique Daye has persuaded that ex-colleague she mentioned to come forward with the allegation." Samantha revealed.

"I thought she was adamant not to considering she still works with Manning?"

"She quit last night. He made another advance on her apparently," the blonde informed him. "I don't think they're the only two this has happened to, though. It's got to run deeper. Guys get away with these patterns of behaviour for years," she continued and Harvey nodded with a thoughtful expression.

"Getting more victims to open up won't be easy, though," he asserts. "What's Monique's colleague called?"

"Tiffany Clarkson, she's scheduled to come in this morning."

X

As the short brunette was guided out of the conference room, Samantha studied the face of the man sat opposite her. The bags under his eyes were more like family sized suitcases.

"What's eating you?" She questioned, bringing him back to reality. He'd, yet again, been preoccupied thinking about the photograph.

"What?"

"You've been distant all morning. Is whatever it is the same thing I walked in on this morning?" She wasn't letting it drop. Not really because she cared about him. She cared more about Donna than Harvey and she wasn't her usual Donna self when she bumped into her this morning. She also cared more about the case and the lives of these women; she wasn't going to let Harvey let them down because he was distracted.

"Leave it, Samantha." He spat back more aggressively than he intended. The blonde raised her brows and widened her eyes at his response. Then it hit him. This is Samantha, this is what she does.

"Actually, I need you to look into someone for me." He stated his request and she gave him an _'oh, really? After the way you just spoke to me?'_ look.

"I need you to look into Donna…" He held his breath waiting for a response. By the look on Samantha's face you'd think he'd just asked her to hide Robert Zane's body.

"You have got to be kidding me."

"Samantha, please, hear me out." She waited for him to continue with a scowl. He reached inside his blazer and pulled out the now slightly crumpled photo. He slid it across the table and saw Samantha's face change to one that probably near resembled his when he found it.

"She looks like Donna," Samantha looked up at him in shock and confusion. He nodded emphatically with pursed lips. "Who is she?"

"That's what I was hoping you'd be able to find out," he sighed.

"Possibly..." She didn't like what he was asking her to do, not one bit, but she didn't feel she could refuse. She knew that if she did then he'd just find someone else to do the background check instead. At least if it was her then Donna's private life could remain somewhat private.

"So, will you do it?" He asked eagerly, he sounded ready to drop to his knees and beg.

"Yes," she replied and his face lit up, "but don't get your hopes up, Harvey. I can't promise that I'll find all the answers."

X

The first thing he saw were her red locks as she arrived at his office.

"I'm going to stay here a bit longer." She hadn't even opened her mouth to ask if he was ready to go when he replied. Her face dropped momentarily before she feigned confidence and the corners of her mouth tilted slightly upwards. "Don't wait up, I don't know how long I'll be," he continued, no longer looking at her. He was pretending to be engrossed in whatever shit was in front of him. He wasn't. He couldn't even say what it was about. Samantha was going to turn up any minute now with information from her background check and it was all he could think about.

"You're okay with me staying at yours, aren't you?" She was hesitant to ask, not wanting to create a problem where there wasn't one, but she was Donna and she knew a problem already existed.

"Of course, Donna, why wouldn't I be?" He snapped back. Her bottom lip dropped ever so slightly.

"Goodnight, Harvey," she uttered quietly and she lingered in the spot where she was stood waiting for a response. After a couple of seconds too long, she turned on her heel and departed the building. _'Shit. Shit, shit shit.'_

Harvey leant back in his chair and looked up to the ceiling, about to fall into an abyss of questions once again before Samantha interrupted.

"Has Donna ever taken leave?" She asked cautiously as she appeared in the doorway. Harvey scanned his caffeine dependent mind, looking for an answer.

"Uh, yeah. Must have been 7 or so years ago I guess, when her dad was sick. Why?" He sat up, his elbows leaning on the arms of his chair with his hands clasped together in front of him.

"How long was she gone?"

"Quite a while, I don't know the exact length of time. Like I said, her dad wasn't well. Cancer." He informed, impatience increasing. "Why?"

Samantha sauntered over to his desk. She held the file in her hands closely to her until he gave her a pissed off look.

"The girl…" Samantha began, not entirely sure how to phrase what she wanted to say. "I found some other photos of her on Donna's family's social media. Her name's Ella. It's all in here."

That made Harvey even more desperate because it had triggered the buried memory of the text Donna received. She handed it to him slowly; Harvey snatched it from her grasp.

"You need to talk to Donna."

X

Donna. The secretary turned COO, the friend turned lover. She was everything he didn't know how to be, according to Harvey at least. Her emotional intelligence, her insight, her astonishing ability to empathise with everyone. As far as Manhattan's best closer was concerned she was uncomplicated.

She knew she composed herself well. If she didn't, she'd be riled, especially after the endless time she had spent trying to perfect the image she wanted to display. It wasn't difficult for the ex-actress to portray a role, she did have a degree in it after all, and if you were to ask her about it then she'd tell you it actually made her life easier. For starters, it made her feel more confident knowing her dirty laundry was fully hidden away from the people she spent the most time with. Secondly, she was able to start to believe it herself – she was Donna and she _was_ awesome.

She pushed open the apartment door then slammed it shut behind her. She leant back against it with the full force of her body. She hung her head in her hands and tried to gather her thoughts. She was stunned. It was a rarity that Donna felt as stunned as she did in that moment but it wasn't the first time. Seven years before was one example of another time it had happened, probably the most prominent example, come to think of it.

Donna couldn't place where Harvey's feelings had come from. His actions reminded her of a few years back when she left him for Louis. She knew what he felt – angry, betrayed, _hurt_ – but trying to figure out why sent her mind into overdrive. It was all she'd thought about since she left his office. The journey home had been hell. Her mind wouldn't shut off or move onto anything else, it was like a broken record.

As she exhaled, she pushed her hands through her fiery mane before stepping away from the door and further into his home. Reaching into the cupboard, she grabbed a tumbler and filled it with her dependable friend scotch. She knocked back two fingers of the poison, twice. She hoped that would shut the whirring of her brain off for long enough to let her fall asleep. She slammed it down onto the dining table with a firm hand, accidentally unleashing her frustrations on the glass.

X

He spent at least another hour, maybe more, in that chair. He turned to his dependable friend scotch. He studied the photos in front of him and boy, did she look like her. They shared a smile and that knowing look in their eyes, although Ella's were a piercing blue. Her skin was porcelain, too, and freckles cascaded down her shoulders as she sat in a pink summer dress.

When Harvey finally left the firm and arrived home, his apartment was silent. He chucked the file onto his breakfast counter and removed his jacket, which he carried into the bedroom. He stopped when he saw her lying in his bed. Her golden locks were splayed over the pillow and she hogged the duvet, as she always did.

Turning to the closet, he got undressed and threw on black joggers and a black sleeveless tee then left the room. He decided he'd not had enough scotch already so poured himself a drink and sunk down into his settee. _What a fucking mess_, he thought, the tumbler twirling between his fingers and he watched the amber liquid as it swirled. He didn't want to be near her for the rest of the night. He was angry, betrayed, _hurt_. Was she ever going to tell him? Did he even mean that much to her? How could she? He couldn't even look at her without his insides beginning to shake. He thought they trusted each other, he thought they _loved_ each other, and now? Well now, as far as he was concerned, it was clear she couldn't have done either of those things for the last 7 years.


	3. Chapter 3

She drifted into consciousness and found herself in the middle of the king-sized bed, entwined in the sheets, her arms stretched across either side – she knew she was alone. It was only quarter-to-five in the morning when she slipped out of the sheets, her bare feet colliding with the stone-cold floor which sent a shiver through her legs and up her spine. Her silky, strappy nightgown that sat very high on her thighs didn't do much to keep her warm in those early hours and she found herself reaching into his closet to pull out a brown, chunky knit cardigan she'd left in his lavish penthouse.

Donna pulled the ends of the sleeves over her palms as she stepped through to the living area. She saw the attorney was asleep on his couch, his body somewhat contorted in order to fit on. She stared at him for a small while but she didn't know how long exactly. She watched his chest rise and fall and her mind became consumed by his sudden change in attitude. She still couldn't work out what had changed an that, yet again, was driving her up the wall.

She noticed the empty tumbler on the coffee table in front of him and glanced over to her own empty glass on the dining table. A reminder of the moments they shared over the last 13 and a half years only for them to get two weeks into a relationship and lose all means of communication, both turning to that all too familiar coping mechanism.

Donna was overcome with a yawn, the edges of her eyes stinging as though she hadn't slept for days. She was exhausted in spite of her night's rest.

She sloped back into the bedroom and slumped onto the mattress, dragging the duvet over her body and sinking into the pillows, all of which smelt of him. That lingering scent was enough to wake her up all over again, thoughts crashing around her brain that would undoubtedly make it impossible to slip back into that desirable state of oblivion. Instead, she lay awake overwhelmed by hopelessness and perplexed by the situation she'd found herself in. It led her mind to focus on the nothings and somethings, the nobodies and somebodies, the improbabilities and the certainties; every arbitrary thing that comes with the burden of life.

The sound of movement snapped her back to reality, at long last. She'd been wide awake for a little more than an hour with the ticking of her brain being the only company she'd kept. She listened to his movements as they echoed around his apartment. She heard the groan that escaped his lips, one of dread for whatever task he was faced with, and as she listened to his very heavy-footed steps in the next room, she understood that he was still frustrated.

The sound got closer and the couple locked eyes as he entered the room. Neither uttered a word, they didn't need to, and they lingered in that moment for what was both too long and not long enough.

It was Harvey who broke away, turning his attention to the bathroom as he went to shower. Donna, however, didn't move. He'd broken their routine. The routine that worked so well with their rhythm but they weren't in sync now. Neither could tune into the others feelings, thoughts or emotions. They felt like strangers who'd been thrust together in a moment of madness.

It was only after Harvey had showered and gotten ready for the day that they finally decided to talk to each other. Donna was sat at the dining table, that empty tumbler still residing there with her, as Harvey appeared. She watched as he pulled two mugs out of the cupboard and it somewhat eased her mind.

"Hungry?" He looked over at her as she hugged her right knee against her.

"Not yet, thank you," she shook her head as she spoke, an unusual softness in her voice that made him pay extra attention. Did she know that he knew? She was Donna so it was a possibility… but would she not have mentioned it? Would she not have tried to discuss it?

He placed the two coffees down on the table before grabbing himself a bowl of cereal – not a typical Harvey Specter breakfast but even he appreciated cornflakes every now and again. He'd forgotten the coasters which would usually lead to a witty remark from Donna but that morning it didn't seem to faze her. He pulled out the chair opposite hers and sat down as she sipped on her coffee. They remained silent for a couple of minutes but again it was Harvey who broke the tension.

"You know, when I was in high school, I did something once that I never thought I'd do and that I never did again." He begun, looking up from his cereal to see Donna intently listening, her mouth slightly open. "I cheated on a math test." He stated and watched her face relax. "It's nothing now, doesn't matter at all, but at the time it was a big deal. It wasn't me, you know? I remember afterwards I felt so goddamn guilty because I didn't deserve the grade." He continued the story between sips of coffee. "I didn't think I could tell anyone. Stupid, huh? Who the hell would care out of my friends and family? But it ate at me. Then, one day, I made a joke about it to Marcus and it didn't bother me from that moment." He watched Donna's face but he couldn't read it, he wasn't her after all.

"Are you trying to imply the importance of opening up?" Donna teased with a small smirk, forcing herself into the image of Donna that she prided herself in upholding. She received a smile back from Harvey though it shone with insincerity; he was not over _it_, whatever _it_ was.

"Did you phone Ella?"

Donna froze. He knew. He had to have known, otherwise why would he have asked? She felt as though the blood had just drained from her body, leaving her motionless and unfeeling. That was the weirdest thing: she didn't feel anything. She expected to feel fear, panic, concern, guilt, but she felt nothing. Harvey said it so matter-of-factly. It was as if Ella was a normal part of their everyday lives. He followed up his question with a gulp of coffee and a spoonful of cornflakes, as if he'd just initiated some mundane small talk.

Harvey knew he'd thrown her off but he hoped surprising her would lead to some answers. He didn't know any other way to bring Ella up in conversation. He couldn't just ask Donna about it, he had to find another way around it and this was his way. He looked up at her with an anticipatory look and she just stared blankly at him whilst trying to gather her thoughts and formulate some sort of response.

"Yeah, I did." Was all she could manage. Harvey kept his eyes locked on hers, waiting for her to seize the opportunity and tell him everything. She definitely knew he knew, there was no doubt about that, but she didn't act. Silence flooded the room and Donna could practically hear his screaming eyes, their pleas for her to open up beginning to pierce a hole in her heart but her voice was buried so deep that she couldn't find the words. Harvey gave up. He stood from his seat, empty mug and bowl in his hands, and walked to the kitchen. She watched him aggressively wash up the items before he grabbed his phone, keys and wallet.

He slammed the front door with such force that Donna was sure the room shook. She was left sat in her seat, coffee still in front of her and barely touched – even in spite of her dire need for caffeine – with the only sound being her heartbeat in her ears and her unsteady breath. She fucked up. She royally fucked up.

That goddamn text at that goddamn time, as if she'd forgotten to pick up the phone. She was working and her mother knew that, yet still she lacked faith in Donna's integrity and it hurt.

She pushed her chair back with a screech as it scraped against the wooden floor. Marching over to the kitchen with the coffee cup in her hand and she carelessly dropped it in the sink, fortunately for her it didn't smash. She had no intention of clearing up after herself and she turned around, hands placed on the edge of the cabinet and her back leant against it.

That's when she spotted it: the blue file on the breakfast counter. She approached it as if it was a wild animal and slowly, carefully, gently scooped it up with both hands. Opening the cover, she saw the photos and it was enough to knock the wind out of her sails, forcing her to take a seat on the stool beside her. Her breath quivered as she continued to look through the damned file.

She could feel her insides begin to crumble. It felt as though her organs were either convulsing or desperately fighting for a way out, or both. He ran a background check on her. Her boyfriend ran a background check on her. The sudden wave of nausea forced her hand to her mouth and she considered running to the bathroom before realising she'd had nothing other than 3 small sips of coffee; she would keep that down if it killed her.

X

_2 days before:_

_She watched as Gretchen dumped the files onto the table and left her office. She drank from her mug before letting out a deep sigh. Louis' demands would have to wait, she had a much more important task at the top of her to-do list. _

_Her heels clicked against the floor as she walked around her desk. She lowered herself into the chair and placed the coffee down in front of her then picked up her phone to dial her mom. It didn't ring for long. _

"_Mom!" She heard the pipsqueak voice exclaim. The effort to sound excited was there but Ella's voice came out tired and weary. Nonetheless, hearing the child's voice brought a warmth to Donna's heart and she knew she wasn't only smiling on the outside but on the inside too. _

"_Hey sweetie, how are you feeling?"_

"_Better than before, I didn't throw up again and I don't feel sick anymore." Donna smiled, even if her daughter couldn't see it. "I'm watching Cars and I'm at the bit when they're in court and it made me think of your job."_

"_Good movie choice, missy," Donna smiled down the line. She spun her chair 90-degrees to the left. Her eyes fell to the family photo that lived on her shelving unit, the smile of a small redhead shining out among the crowd. It was the only photo of Ella that she had in her office and it was the photo she looked at most._

X

Donna was sat in her chair with one leg crossed over the other staring at that same photo. She'd turned up to work 2 hours late and of the time she'd spent in the office that day she hadn't been very productive. The glimpse of bottle blonde hair in the corner of her eye caught her attention and her gaze wandered towards the name partner. The look on Samantha's face said it all – she knew. Donna turned back to the photo and Samantha took it upon herself to enter the office. She followed the COO's eyeline and recognised the mother and daughter in the group photo.

"She looks just like you." Samantha wanted to test the waters when it came to the topic of Donna's secret daughter.

"It was you, wasn't it?" It sounded less like a question and more like an accusation from Donna, who now looked to Samantha. "You looked into me for him, didn't you?" She pressed again and an absence of self-defence from the lawyer gave her the confirmation she sought.

"If I hadn't agreed to it, he would've asked someone else," she finally said in response.

"And you thought it'd be better to be you than someone else?" Donna's intuitive self was back at work, "because you know you're not going to tell anyone."

"Exactly," Samantha replied, still stood in the same spot.

There was an awkwardness in the air that made both women feel uncomfortable.

"He's hurting," Samantha said and Donna shot daggers at her.

"I know." She spat out the words and gritted her teeth. Salty liquid began to gather in her eyes and she tried to blink it away as she moved her gaze once again, this time towards the window. She heard footsteps fade out, signalling that Samantha had left the room, and Donna took in a long, shaky breath. A tear slipped out of her eye and she promptly wiped it away as she watched the night sky.

X

He was still reeling from Donna's apathetic response to his question that morning. There was neither emotion nor an explanation and it only added to his frustrations. He'd spent the day snapping at everyone around him, Miss Wheeler facing the brunt of it. She eventually told him to go home, which he did not, because he was being more of a hindrance than a help.

The slamming of a file on his desk disturbed his thoughts and he looked to see the redhead in front of him. The rims of her eyes were slightly red. Looking at her face he realised she'd hardly put on any makeup at all: her lips were bare and her eyelids were lacking in colour. That was when he realised it was the first time that he'd seen her in the office all day. He hadn't purposefully avoided her but he hadn't made an effort to see her and he assumed it was the same for Donna.

"Why the fuck did you go to Samantha?" She asked, her tone echoing not only betrayal but disgust with his actions.

"Don't you dare." He warned as he stood up, his dark eyes locked on hers, both sets flooded with fury. "You kept your 6-year-old daughter from me, you're not the one who gets to be angry." He raised his voice and his girlfriend scoffed and turned her face away before whipping it back, ready to give him hell.

"You looked into me!" Now she was yelling, now he'd pushed her.

"What was I supposed to do?" He antagonised, walking out from around his desk to meet her. He glanced at the door on his way round – it was fortunately shut – before he turned his back to it and faced her.

"You should've talked to me!"

"You didn't talk to me for 7 fucking years, Donna!" He could've sworn he felt a vein in his neck burst he was so angry. She took a step back on a sharp inhale; he was right. She couldn't have expected anything more from him when she'd not told him about the most important person in her life. She felt the tears pricking her eyes as she scrambled in her brain for the ability to string a sentence together.

"It's different." Was all she could manage and she felt his breathing quicken. The man embodied the utmost anger as well as the utmost pain.

"No, it's not and you goddamn know it."

There was a silence, the only sound was their breaths resonating in the office. Donna bit on her cheeks to suppress the urge to let out a sob, desperately fighting her body's attempts to break down into floods of tears.

"What do you want me to say?" She asked quietly, her voice wavering.

"I want you to tell me why," he spoke less aggressively than before but he was still very obviously pissed off.

"I'm not doing that here, Harvey, we're in an office." She asserted, trying to gain back her posture.

"No, you don't want to tell me because it makes your life easier." He retaliated, lighting a fire in her belly.

"You think that not seeing my daughter everyday is easy?"

"If you cared about her that much then you would see her every day!" He returned to shouting, his mouth running away from his mind and stabbing her in the gut. "You haven't even got her photo in your office. I thought I had a crap mom but at least she tried to be there, Ella doesn't stand a chance with a mother like you." He regretted his words as soon as he felt them fall out but he couldn't control them. He was so angry he'd lost all control of himself and now it was too late.

That was it, the breaking point. He looked at her in immense regret, his eyes screaming an apology. Hers screamed pain. With a blink, she felt the rolling of a single, salty drop down her cheek. It splashed against her lip, the taste swamping her mouth and she dropped her head down. He wanted to brush it away for her, to touch her porcelain skin, to pull her close to him, to feel their hearts beating alongside each other where they belonged, but he didn't move. He watched her wipe her face with her hand and lick her dry, salty lips. She sniffled before she lifted her eyes to meet his.

"I know." It came out as a whisper and he could hear her heart fall apart in the silence that surrounded them after she said it. She brushed against him as she left, her head down once again, her hips lacking in sway. He turned and followed her steps with his eyes. He wanted to run after her but even Harvey Specter knew it probably wasn't a wise idea.

With a heaviness in his heart, he picked the root of her outburst up from his desk. He glared at it for a few moments, unsure of where to go from here. She'd hurt him but she didn't mean to, the same couldn't be said for him. The shame he felt following his words engulfed him. Even if he had lost control, he had wanted to hurt her. He wanted to hurt her as she'd hurt him, but that didn't help the situation. The thoughts occupied his mind throughout his journey home.

He was still annoyed with her deep down, that hadn't gone away, but it had lessened. Her response broke him. He wanted her to shout back, to argue with him and tell him he was wrong. Instead, she simply agreed. He didn't mean it, not one bit, but she did; that was what hurt him the most.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank**** you all for your lovely reviews! In response to Darvey4life, 7 years ago in the Suits timeline was actually before season 1 although I don't entirely know how much by because their timeline is so bizarre - not by much I don't think! **

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_She twiddled with her fingers in her lap, her leg twitching while she bit her lip. The white walls made the building feel clinical and too scientific which only added to her anxiety. The busy atmosphere of the room didn't help, either. She was surrounded by couples sat hand in hand, cuddling, smiling, enjoying this journey with one another. She was the only single woman there, increasing her feelings of isolation. _

_She made eye contact with another mother who looked slightly younger than her and had long, flowing brunette locks. The woman's eyes were sympathetic, clearly pitying Donna for being alone, and the redhead flicked her eyes away to avoid the look she received. _

_When she heard a middle-aged, short lady call out her name, Donna stood from her seat. She straightened out her skirt before following her down a short corridor to an appointment room. She felt nauseous while at the hospital and couldn't decide whether it was the morning sickness, which was definitely not just a morning thing, or anxiety caused by the appointment._

_Donna wasn't anxious about the health of her unborn baby, she wasn't anxious that something was going to be found wrong, she hadn't reached that point of attachment yet. That lack of anxiety about the baby was making her anxious: what if she looked at the scan and she became even further detached? Though she wasn't sure that was possible. _

_As the doctor performed the scan, Donna stared at the moving blur of a blob on the screen. Her doctor was speaking but they were just words. She wasn't listening to any of it. Her eyes were fixed on the ultrasound as she desperately tried to feel something, anything, but there was nothing. _

_The journey back to Pearson Hardman seemed to go on forever. She stared out of the window of the taxi, the New York buildings and people all blending into one. Her mind was still in that appointment room, hating herself for feeling nothing even after hearing the heartbeat and seeing it move. It. This new life wasn't a 'baby' but an 'it', a 'thing' that was growing inside of her, draining her of the person she thought she was. _

_She was pulled out of her thoughts by the shrill ringing of her mobile phone: her father. _

"_Hi dad," she tried to sound as normal, blocking the events of that morning out of her head. _

"_Hi sweetheart," his voice was weary, even wearier than usual, which made her feel disconcerted. "I don't want you to worry because it's going to be ok, but-" he paused, took a breath, and continued. "Your mother collapsed this morning." _

X

The liquid soothed her as it slipped down her throat. Red wine, her companion and ally, the only one she felt she could turn to in her hour of need. The crumpled photo Harvey had taken from her collection was next to her as she sat on her bed, one leg hanging over the side while the other was tucked under it. The envelope she'd hidden Ella's photos in was in front of her, empty, with the stack placed on top. The redhead held a picture in her right hand of a newborn baby in a pale pink hat and matching sleepsuit.

Donna's mind returned to the first day she met her, remembering five tiny fingers wrapped around one of her own. It was the first time after 9 months that she'd felt any love towards the child and it was so overwhelming that it changed her life. Yet there she sat, alone, tired, her only company being alcohol. On that day 6 years ago, she would never have dreamed that her life would look like this. It was a sad realisation of how short-lived her happiness was. After so long of feeling scared and hostile she'd found a whole new meaning to life and to love, only for it all to change in the blink of an eye.

She glugged down the remainder of her drink then looked to the empty bottle on her left. With a sigh she dragged herself off of the bed. She left the room in search of more wine but stopped in her tracks when she saw Harvey's tie hanging over the back of a dining chair. She walked over to it and picked it up. She delicately held it in her hands because, despite her anger with him, she felt the urge to sob until there was no emotion left inside her. She couldn't go back and change it and if she was given the chance to, she couldn't say that she even would but she felt guilty and regretful nonetheless.

X

A banging on the door disturbed Harvey, who was sat in his armchair engrossed in thoughts about her, about Ella and about their argument. The look of resolution that graced her face before she left had made his heart ache.

When he swung open the door, he did not expect to see her on the other side. He'd been trying to work out how he would approach the topic. If it was the other way around, Donna would know exactly how to talk to him and fix it. Harvey kept reminding himself that he wasn't Donna and that was fine, but it didn't provide him with any answers.

However, there she was. She'd come to him which made his job easier; she was ready to talk about it. Her cheeks were tear-stained and her eyes lacked life but she was there at his door – she'd taken the first step – and he was almost relieved.

He stepped slightly aside and she walked past him into the apartment, their bodies touching and their breaths colliding. The smell of wine on her lips flooded his senses and, after slamming the door shut, he watched her help herself to his Macallan 18.

"Are you going to pour me one as well?" His words were drenched in sarcasm as she downed the drink, of which she'd definitely given herself more than one serving. She glared at him as she placed down the tumbler.

"I didn't keep her a secret to be spiteful." She said bluntly, her head tilted a little to the left. "I didn't have a responsibility to tell you, Harvey. It's my business and my life."

"After everything I told you, all the times I confided in you, you couldn't just open up and be honest with me?" He asked with a twang of pain, tension in the room rising once again. When she didn't reply he continued his interrogation. "Why didn't you just tell me?"

To this she looked away. She felt her eye twitch and the fluid begin to build up which she tried to blink away.

"So, we're back to this are we?" His voice resonated annoyance. "If you're not here to talk to me then why the fuck are you here?"

"You really think it's that easy, don't you?" Her question elicited an eyebrow raise from Harvey who gave her an uncompromising look. She turned away and returned to her tumbler, not only refilling it but overfilling it.

"What is it? Do you regret having her?" Her head whipped back to him upon hearing that word: regret. Her eyes were angry but her face looked like that of a child who'd been caught with their hand in the cookie jar. She didn't regret having Ella, but she'd contemplated the easiness of a life had she never had her on few occasions and the subject was a sore one with her.

Donna wanted to argue with Harvey but she couldn't speak, she was just shaking her head and trying not to cry.

"If not regret then why?" He asked again. He wasn't trying to upset her and he didn't want a repeat of the argument they'd had not long before but he couldn't stop himself. "Ok then. Was your dad ever sick or was that all a lie too?"

"Of course! What the fuck do you take me for, Harvey? I never lied to you!"

"No, you just hid things from me." He could feel the anger growing inside, eating away at him, pushing him closer to a point of no return that he was desperate to avoid. "Why wouldn't you fucking tell me?" He shouted across the room, finally sparking a rage in Donna.

"Because I was ashamed!" She screamed back at him, her vision blurred by tears. The hand that tightly clutched the glass of liquor trembled and she bit down on her bottom lip. "Ashamed," she took a deep, shaky breath, "of myself." She just about managed to get the words out before gulping down more of the scotch but, with her hand shaking so uncontrollably, the tumbler rattled against her teeth.

"Donna, I'm sorry." His words came out at barely more than a whisper. He walked towards her, took the glass from her hand and gently placing it down, before moving his hands back to her and settling them on the top of her arms. He delicately stroked his fingers against her in an attempt to comfort her. She couldn't bring herself to look at him, though.

"Donna," he lifted her chin with his hand so her eyes would meet his. They were charged with shame, sadness and guilt. He'd never seen her like this and never thought he would. Not that she wasn't human, of course, but she was Donna. He always viewed her as unbreakable. She was the most put together person he'd ever met, or so he thought – he was now questioning this belief.

She was still visibly trembling and he guided her to the settee. He grabbed her a glass of water which he encouraged his reluctant girlfriend to drink.

"Why?" He finally asked, though apprehensive to do so. She was expecting it; you can't blurt that out and not expect it. There was a silence that wasn't really silent, both of their minds ticking loudly away.

"I hated her," she finally revealed. Harvey wasn't prepared for the answer and he only realised his reaction was displayed on his face when her expression changed. "The whole way through my pregnancy I hated her and I hated myself for that. I kept hoping that one day I would wake up and feel this all-encompassing love that all mothers spoke about but it didn't happen. I remember wishing someone would rip her out of me."

The tears had started to stream out of her at this point and she'd given up trying to stop them. She felt ashamed even talking about her shame, just engulfed by guilt and contempt. There was a distance between the couple who sat on either end of the sofa and it almost resembled where they were emotionally.

She took a breath before continuing, "but then she was born and… I had never felt so much love. Just this soul-consuming love that I didn't think I had the space or ability to hold inside." She wasn't looking at Harvey while telling the story; she'd found a spot on the floor that she was studying intently. "I couldn't cope. I wanted to give her the world and I couldn't and I began to spiral and I decided when she was not even a week old to drink myself into oblivion and-"

She was interrupted by Harvey placing a hand on her knee, bring her back to earth. She looked to him and he had a small, soft smile. She could read him like a book and this chapter was titled 'pity'.

"My mom and dad thought it would be better for everyone if they looked after her for a little while, but that little while just got longer and longer. She was 6 weeks old when I came back. I hadn't even told them I was going home, I just left. I knew she'd have a better life with them than she could ever have with me, and I was right."

He looked at her with sincerity and was about to tell her to stop but she pulled her Donna shit on him and replied before he could even speak.

"I tried, Harvey, but every time I looked after her on my own something would happen." She revealed and he looked at her in disbelief which encouraged her to give examples. "When she was 2 weeks old, I couldn't stop her crying and my parents returned home to find me passed out on the couch while she was still crying upstairs with the bedroom door shut." Donna was laying it all bare for Harvey, just as he'd asked, only in that moment he was beginning to wish he hadn't.

"Or there was the time when she was unwell and I thought it was just a cold but when my parents got home, they took her to the emergency room and it turned out she had pneumonia; she was one and a half, Harvey. Or the time when I didn't close the baby gate properly and she tried to climb up the stairs. Of course, she slipped and she split her lip." Donna could feel herself beginning to unravel right in front of him but she couldn't contain it. She'd finally opened the floodgates and all these bottled regrets were spilling out.

Harvey's reaction was to pull her close to him and, as his arm wrapped around her, she fell into him. A wet patch formed on his shirt-covered chest as he ran his fingers through her hair. He felt his own eyes water as she sobbed into him; he was still in shock seeing her in such a state and it pained him. He didn't want to press her any further, he couldn't. She would lead it from now on, she would tell him what she wanted whenever she felt ready. He didn't want to push her into this state of mind ever again.


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry it's been a few weeks. I had many a looming deadline and I have to prioritise real life things! I'm so chuffed with the response to this story and I'd like to thank everyone who's reviewed and tweeted about it, as well as those of you who have followed and favourite-d it! I always find it a little difficult to write for Suits because of small word changes in the American versus English debate (I'm from the UK) but I thoroughly enjoy writing for the characters, especially Donna, and I hope that comes across! Thanks so much to May for correcting my sentence structures etc once again!**

* * *

_Her eyes gazed down the path towards the cornflower blue door. Being at that house still felt strange for her. She didn't grow up there, and it wasn't quite as elaborate as her childhood home, but it was a new family home intended to block out the years spent in the apartment they'd been forced into after her father lost everything. There was a hanging basket in the porch but the magenta begonias were wilting – a manifestation of Jim Paulsen's health. A subject that had loomed over Donna, adding to the stress she had already been experiencing._

_She slowly placed one foot in front of the other as she walked along the paving stones, clutching the holdall of her clothes. Her mind dwelled on the day before: the scan, the phone call, having to leave Harvey._

_She pressed her perfectly manicured nails against the bell. Yes, perfect – to the outside world, Donna Paulsen had her shit together. It wasn't a complete lie because up until recently she had felt on top of her life. Even she couldn't anticipate where her life had taken her. If someone had shown her where she'd turned out 6 months prior, Donna would have laughed them out the room telling them to sober up._

_The door swung open to reveal an older redheaded lady: her mother, Deborah Paulsen. Immediately she reached her arms out and pulled her daughter into a hug, squeezing too tightly, as if Donna would evaporate should she let go._

"_Donna, I'm so glad you're here," her voice was soft and sincere. When she finally pulled away, Donna could see how tired she was. The woman seemed to embody exhaustion and it was no doubt that she'd collapsed. She tucked a loose hair behind her ear, the rest of her hair pulled back into a bun, and forced a meagre smile. _

_Having gone inside after their greeting, Deborah was making Donna a coffee while she sat at the kitchen table talking to her father, both of them avoiding talking about his illness because they knew life was too short to spend their time incessantly rambling about its shortcomings. _

"_Here you go, honey." Her mother said as she placed the mug down on the table. "One extra sweet, vanilla coffee," she smiled while taking a seat at the head of the table, sitting between her husband and daughter and joining their conversation._

"_I'm going to rest my eyes," Jim asserted after a while, pushing himself up from his seat. _

"_Are you feeling ok, dad?" Her voice was, understandably, riddled with unconcealable worry. _

"_I'm just tired, sweetheart. A bit of shuteye will do me good. You can continue catching up with your mom," he smiled before leaving the room. Donna watched him go then turned to her mother who was giving her a knowing look._

"_What's that for?" She questioned, taking a sip of her drink before placing the mug back down on the table. She held it with both hands and studied the floral design in oranges, yellows and greens._

"_What's wrong, Donna?" She asked, wide-eyed. Her daughter took a breath and feigned a look of confusion, clutching her cup tightly. "Donna, I'm no fool. You've been completely reluctant to talk about a single thing going on in your life and you've never been like that; usually you don't stop."_

"_Maybe I don't have anything interesting to say," Donna suggested but she lacked conviction and she knew it. _

"_Donna…" Her mother was looking right into her soul, or so it felt, desperate to uncover whatever secret she was harbouring._

_Donna exhaled a shaky breath and tried to force a small smile but Deborah saw straight through it, of course. She placed her hand on Donna's wrist and gently tugged, signalling to her daughter to let go of the mug. She slipped her hand into her daughters and held it over the table, ever so slightly squeezing it to comfort the secretary. _

"_There's something different about you," she continued with a soft voice. "I don't want to make you feel forced or pressured into telling me but I'm worried about you. I'm only asking because I care. You know I'll always be here for you, no matter what it is." _

_Donna was trembling and she knew that her mother knew it. Her eyes were shiny like glass and her fake smile had faded. Her lips were pursed together and quivering while she tried not to cry. _'It shouldn't be this hard,'_ she thought to herself, convincing herself she was being ridiculous. She wanted to keep the baby a secret but she also wanted to let it out so badly and the internal conflict was eating at her, confusing her over what to do. She could feel the words getting closer to the surface and the uncertainty as to whether to suppress them or free them was overwhelming, but while she was trying to figure out a plan of action her mouth ran away from her mind. _

"_I'm pregnant." The words tumbled out of her lips before she had the chance to stop them. Her mom was clearly taken aback, unsure of what to say, the confession surprising her. "I'm pregnant and I don't know what to do." She repeated with a wavering voice, her wet eyes glistening as she tried to hold back her fear – now was not the time for that, her dad had to be a priority._

X

Donna's eyes fluttered open and she inhaled his scent. She was engulfed in the bed sheets as she laid spread across the middle of the bed. Her head felt heavy and the idea of moving was certainly unappealing. She rolled onto her right side to grab her phone before dragging it into the bed with her. It was gone 10am on a Friday – Harvey should've woken her up for work. As she looked at the screen, her eyes were sore and she knew it was a consequence of the tears from the night before.

A glimpse of sudden movement caught her eye as a figure neared the room. He was wearing casual clothes – jeans a white long-sleeved t-shirt with the sleeves rolled up – and smiled when he saw she was awake.

"I was just about to check that you were still alive," he smirked as he walked towards her then perched on the bed. "I thought it would be best to leave you to sleep."

"What about work?" She asked, evidently puzzled. He placed his hand on her leg which was covered by the duvet.

"I called Louis and told him that we wouldn't be in," he revealed but Donna furrowed her brow.

"He wouldn't just accept that, Harvey," she raised her eyebrows, forcing him to lift the lid.

"He got annoyed and asked me why, so I told him…" he hesitated, knowing Donna wouldn't like his answer but knowing she wanted the truth. Dishonesty caused this mess and he wasn't going to make it any worse. "I told him that you had a bad night and needed to sleep." It wasn't the whole conversation but it wasn't a lie, and he could tell she wasn't best pleased with him saying it even without the details.

"Had a bad night?" She pressed.

"I told him you were upset and had too much to drink so needed to rest. I told him not to question it, just to trust me." He confessed and she took a deep breath, closing her eyes as she sunk down under the sheets slightly.

"I'm sorry." She breathed, eyes still shut. Technically, he was the one who brought it up, or was it her? She asked why they weren't at work after all. Nonetheless, the topic had been indirectly raised and she saw this as the right moment to bring it up properly. They still needed to talk about it. Ignoring it wouldn't work anymore.

"For what?" He said in surprise, her eyes opening to see his matching expression.

"For everything. For keeping Ella from you, for getting in such a state last night," she listed. He lifted his hand off of her leg and shuffled closer to her on the bed.

"You don't have to apologise, Donna. You were right, you weren't obligated to tell me. You have nothing to be sorry for, ok?" He tucked her hair behind her ear and stared into her eyes. He made her feel vulnerable, as though he was looking straight into her soul and her every thought was exposed, which was silly because this was Harvey and, in spite of all his greatness, he wouldn't be able to see that far in.

She responded with a loaded smile, one which he returned. They didn't need words, not after all these years.

"Do you want me to get you anything?" He asked.

"A coffee, some painkillers and some breakfast would be nice. Some Harvey Specter pancakes, maybe?" She suggested and he grinned, kissed her head, and left. Donna rolled over and closed her eyes, the hangover well and truly taking its toll.

X

_She sat on the edge of the tub as the water drained away. The wetness of her hair was dripping onto the white towel she'd wrapped around herself, slowly soaking it. Her mind was too busy focusing on the life growing inside of her to notice it._

_Her mind kept taking her back to that night, the night she wished she could block out. She was having a baby with _him_ and it terrified her. He wasn't someone she wanted to have a child with even in the best circumstances but here she was. She could feel herself slipping into a dark chain of thoughts but she didn't know how to stop it._

_A knock on the door accompanied by the voice of her father distracted her. _

"_Donna, are you alright?" _

"_Yeah," she tried to call out but he could only just hear her. Her mother had already checked on her but where she found her mind running away from her, she was consistently losing all concept of time. She'd spent so long in the bath that it was stone cold when she got out; her fingers and toes completely shrivelled. _

_She lifted herself from her seated position and stepped towards the sink, looking into the mirror. Her mom was right: she didn't look like herself. The bags under her eyes were more like suitcases and they were so dark they looked more like smeared eye make-up the morning after a heavy night out. Her porcelain skin seemed even paler, drained of all signs of life and colour. The pregnancy glow that she'd heard other women talk about was notably absent and it made her feel even worse. _

_She dried herself off and got changed into her silky, plum-coloured pyjamas before throwing a black chunky-knit cardigan over the top. She left the bathroom and headed for the stairs, creeping down. She approached the living room, fingering her sleeve as she lingered just before the doorway to listen to their conversation._

"_Maybe if it's a boy she'll name it after me," she heard her father say. "That's if she has it."_

"_I think she will. If she wasn't going to keep it then she'd have surely made that decision by now." Her mom responded, so sure of herself and her assumption – more certain than Donna would've been in her response. The redhead listened with hesitance. She still didn't know if she was going to keep the baby but now her mother seemed set on the idea._

"_It seems as though she doesn't want it, Debs," Jim asserted; the voice of reason when it came to their conversations about Donna despite his lack of realism when it came to money and success. _

"_She'll come around," Deborah stated, clearly in full belief of the words she spoke. "There's nothing like a mother's love. When she finds out whether it's a boy or a girl, she'll start to get excited, I'm sure. We just need to convince her that she's not on her own because she has us."_

"_If this baby is Harvey's and he's not taking responsibility, so help me…" She heard her father's voice change to a tone of annoyance, after all there was no love lost between him and Harvey._

"_I don't think it is, I have more faith in him than that, or if it is then she's not told him." Her mom's statement reassured her, but she decided it was the time to make her presence known before the conversation went even further. She wasn't in the mood to hear their discussion about hers and Harvey's unconventional work relationship._

_She emerged in the doorway to receive sympathetic smiles from her parents. She hated this. She hated that the attention was now on her when the only reason she'd arrived was to help them. They were ignoring their issues entirely, displacing their concern for Jim's health onto Donna and creating an unhealthy amount of apprehension, but they were her parents. They loved her and cared for her and worried about her, and rightly so. _

_She sat down on the armchair next to the settee her parents shared, her legs curled up underneath her, her chin resting in her hand which was leant on the arm. She joined them in watching their TV show, whatever it as about. She wasn't really watching it; her focus was elsewhere. _

"_Donna, dear, this will be ok." Deborah said reassuringly and Donna promptly turned her head to look at her. "You're worried now but it will get better," she smiled and Donna smiled back before looking back to the television. She couldn't decide whether or not she believed her mom. She wanted to, she really did, but she didn't know if she should, or could, let herself believe it._

X

Her head was still banging after she eventually showered but feeling clean made her feel slightly more alive. She plodded out of the bedroom in search of Harvey and found him in his home office working on a case. She watched him work from a distance, admiring her lover. She'd spent her shower thinking about how different her life would have been if she'd just told him. She didn't live her life thinking about what if's but she couldn't help herself with this one. She'd pondered on how good he could have been with Ella had he always known her. She'd thought about what her life could be if they'd gotten together years ago and he consequently helped to raise the child, taking the burden and fear away from her. Donna knew she'd have felt more complete but that wasn't the life she led and thinking about how good hers and Ella's lives could've been would only make her feel worse in the end.

"Do you smell _nice_ again now?" He spoke playfully, emphasising the word 'nice' as he looked up from his work. Her somewhat dazed expression implied she was deep in thought and he'd clearly caught her off guard.

"I didn't mean to disturb you," she replied apologetically.

"What's going on in that head of yours?" He asked but she simply shook her head.

"Nothing of any importance," she smiled and folded her arms, eager for him not to delve into her wishful thinking. He stood from his desk and walked over to her, placing his hands on her shoulders. He brushed his fingers gently against them – she was wearing one of his old Harvard sweaters over her gym leggings.

"Everything about you is important to me," he whispered, causing her smile to widen.

"Even my food choices?"

"Let me guess, you want shitty Thai for dinner later?" He asked with a sigh, eliciting a chuckle from his girlfriend who confirmed his assumption. "What are you going to do to pass the time?" The question was genuine and innocently intended, but when he saw her expression change and her eyebrows rise, he knew his intentions were indeed about to change.

"Well, I can think of a few things we can do," she smirked, leaning in slightly and placing her hands on his chest. These moments were still new to the couple and they both cherished them, all those years of lust and love pouring into every single touch, no matter how small or insignificant that touch might seem.

"Miss Paulsen, I didn't think we mixed work with pleasure." He closed the gap more, their bodies reconnecting after their bump in the road.

"I think we can make an exception." She grinned, tugging on his shirt and pulling him in for a kiss, both parties smiling into it. Every kiss was always fully loaded, making up for all those that they'd missed, each one a fusion of synchronised energies.

X

Having thrown on a dark grey t-shirt and black joggers, Harvey plodded to the front door when their food arrived. Taking their seats on his sofa, they tucked into their chicken pad Thai, the sound of smooth jazz filling the room.

"Has Ella ever had the displeasure of this food?" He was walking on unsteady ground and he knew it, but he wanted to make her a normal part of their life together and pretending she didn't exist wasn't going to do that. He didn't want to have to wait for Donna to bring her up in order for them to talk about her.

"Not yet," Donna smiled, much to his relief. She was pleased he wasn't dancing around the subject of her secret child. It was a sign he'd recovered from his anger and that he didn't judge her for it, at least not enough for her to read it.

"Lucky girl. I'll have to shield her from it for as long as possible." He smirked and Donna chuckled.

"You love it when we get this and you know it," she replied with a grin and he nodded reluctantly. He'd never truly disliked it, he just liked being able to tease her about it. In fact, he loved the idea of getting Thai food, especially from that specific Thai shop, because it reminded him of her.

Donna smiled as she took a sip of her wine – not her favourite, but Harvey was getting there. The idea that Harvey thought about his potential relationship with Ella circling her brain. His comment about shielding her might have meant nothing or it might have meant everything.

"What are you thinking about?" He questioned and she lifted her eyes to meet his gaze.

"Just… what you said," she replied. He put down his chopsticks and shuffled in his seat, making Donna unsure as to whether or not she should've mentioned it.

"Like I said, someone's got to save her from it. Might have to save her from your Shakespeare obsession, too," he smiled after gathering his thoughts. He chose to avoid the point Donna was making, not wanting to tread on her toes when it came to Ella's care.

"It's a bit late for that," Donna muttered as she placed her glass down and Harvey furrowed his brow.

"She's not listening to his plays as bedtime stories, is she?" He laughed and Donna tilted her head with an obvious _'shut up, you're an idiot'_ look.

"No, but her middle name is Cordelia after King Lear's favourite daughter." Harvey let out another laugh and ran his hand through his hair as he tipped his head back, his response eliciting a giggle from his girlfriend. "Ella Cordelia sounds nice!" She chuckled in her defence and he shook his head with a smile.

"I should've seen that coming." He took a swig of his scotch before bravely choosing to continue. "When are you next going to see her?" He asked, swallowing hard and anxiously awaiting her response. She briefly looked down before returning her eyes to his.

"I wanted to see her this weekend, given that she was unwell earlier in the week, but my mom said it wasn't a good idea." She replied and he looked at her in confusion. "She has another kid's birthday party that she's excited about and mom thinks me turning up will disrupt her too much. She's worried Ella will get upset and not want to go." Donna further informed him as she prodded a piece of chicken around the box with her chopsticks.

"Donna, I'm sorry," he uttered, barely audible. He looked at her face, her expression riddled with sadness and disappointment, and he was sure he could feel a sudden pain in his chest right where his heart was. He watched as she continued to play with her food, trying to hide her face from him, her eyes tingling as the suppressed emotions re-emerged.

"Hey," he said, his voice barely more than a whisper. She didn't look up though and he rethought his strategy. He shifted his seated position and gently placed a hand on hers, stopping her from pushing her food around and sparking a movement of her head. She forced a smile, trying to ignore the lump in her throat.

"How about we see what's on at the theatre tomorrow night?" His proposition made her fake smile a little more genuine; he really was trying to cheer her up. Harvey Specter was not a theatre goer.

"We don't have to, Harvey. I know it's not your idea of a good weekend." She answered.

"I know, but I also know that you'd have to thank me after," he grinned like a Cheshire Cat and Donna shook her head with a snicker.

"Oh, you're such a charmer, Specter," she said wickedly. She'd blinked away her tears and replaced them with a suggestive glimmer in her eyes that reassured him. "But you should know by now that you don't need to buy me things to get me into bed."


	6. Chapter 6

They'd spent their weekend reconnecting, building an unspoken bridge over the shock and hurt of the previous days. Harvey had forgiven Donna best he could but Donna was certain he hadn't gotten over it, not entirely, anyway. However, she chose not to dwell on that, given how nice their weekend together was. A theatre trip, nice meals, _lots_ of sex. It's no surprise that when Monday rolled around neither of them found the idea of leaving their bed, or each other's embrace, appealing whatsoever.

Coffees in hand, they strolled out of the elevator side by side. The edge of his left hand brushed against her right arm, tingles rushing up it and through her shoulder. The newness of this relationship was still there, and they both got excited by every touch, every look and every smile. It was confusing to them considering they'd known each other for so many years but the truth of the matter was that neither could contain their love for the other any longer, making every interaction emotionally and romantically charged.

"Harvey!" Samantha called out from behind him, the lawyer turning so he could see her frustrated expression.

"I should go, I've got work to do," Donna smiled as she sauntered away from the confrontation.

"Where the hell have you been? You don't come in on Friday, I can't reach you all weekend, then today you turn up late!" She was trying to suppress a yell to avoid the attention of the staff circulating around the foyer.

"A man isn't allowed some time off to recuperate?" He began to walk towards his office, the blonde in tow.

"I'll take the week then, shall I?" She spat the words as she marched alongside him down the corridor.

"Donna needed me, ok?" He was reluctant to be honest and he was unwilling to reveal anymore than that, which was obvious to his partner.

"Is she alright?" There was a sincerity in the question, a genuine concern that underpinned it.

"She's fine." He replied, shutting down the conversation before it could really get going. He pushed open his office door and held it for the woman who followed behind, who shut it for him.

"I think we should drop the pro bono." His announcement clearly sent a shudder down Samantha's spine as her expression returned to one of annoyance.

"What the fuck?" She spat out in fury. "Why would you-"

"I spoke to Luke Manning yesterday," Harvey revealed eliciting an eye roll from Samantha. She stood with her arms crossed and her feet wide apart. "I'd been looking over the case and it's so weak, they'd be lucky to get anything from him. It's all based on hearsay. They can't prove he sexually harassed them and no one would ever confess even if they are guilty."

"If?" She glared at him, taking a step closer. "You sat in those meetings and you heard their stories but you don't believe them?"

"Obviously I believe them!" His voice was raised now that he was on the defence. "I'm just being realistic, Samantha!"

"Then why did you speak to him?" She was interrogating him and he hated it, but this was Samantha Wheeler and she would continue to press where it hurt until she got what she wanted.

"He called me. He saw that I was opposing counsel and wanted to tell me his side of things given our friendly history. He didn't want us to end up on bad terms." His confession did nothing but infuriate her and made the whole situation sound worse for him.

"And what? You told him you'd go for dinner to rekindle your friendship?"

"We were never friends but I'd be lying if I said we didn't work well together. I'm not saying I believe him." He continued to defend himself but it was wasted on the blonde.

"You might think you don't believe him but your actions say otherwise. I am not dropping this case and Manning is coming in today, just in case you want to get drinks with the pervert."

"Then take my name off of it." He stated bluntly, moving around his desk to sit down while the other lawyer stormed out.

X

A knock on the open glass door disturbed Donna from the stack of work on the table in front of her. She lifted her head to see the managing partner standing before her.

"Louis, what can I do for you?" Donna asked.

"Actually, it's about what I can do for you." He responded as he entered the room and closed the door behind him. He gestured to the chair next to hers around the circular table and she nodded before he pulled it out and sat down. He looked at her for a minute, long enough to make her feel ever so slightly uncomfortable about his intentions.

"Louis, I'm really busy. I've got lots to catch up on," she said, gesturing to the files in front of her.

"I know, that's what I'm here about." He shuffled in his seat, preparing to confront his friend. "What's going on, Donna?" He asked softly, making his concern for her well-being known.

"Nothing, Louis," she replied and his face contorted immediately.

"Donna, it's not like you to take a day off!" He exclaimed.

"Louis, just… just trust me." She continued, desperate to escape the conversation.

"That's what Harvey said." He shot back.

"Exactly," she was unmoving in her stance. "Louis, I'm fine and nothing is going on. Please, Louis," she smiled reassuringly at him and he nodded, finally showing signs of acceptance.

"You know where I am, Donna. If not as a boss then as your friend," he smiled, emphasising the word 'friend', before leaving her office.

After Louis closed the door behind him, Donna dropped her pen on the pad of paper in front of her and stood from her seat. She turned to the shelving unit and picked up the family photo before sitting back down and placing the frame down in front of her. Her daughter's cheesy grin never failed to captivate her. Donna was balancing the child on her hip with an equally big smile, the picture providing happy memories for her.

Her reminiscence was interrupted by the ringing of her cell phone: _'Mom'_. She swiped across the screen and lifted the device to her ear.

"Hi mom," she said, the constant interruptions from her mountain of work doing nothing but agitating her.

"Sweetheart, we need to talk about Ella." She declared, Donna's back straightening as though she was a soldier standing to attention. "I meant it when I said your father and I are getting too old to look after her." Deborah continued to say.

"Mom, you said this the other week. Where are you going with this?" She had a feeling about where it could be going but needed the confirmation for herself.

"We were thinking it might be best for everyone if she moves in with you."

"What?" Donna snapped down the phone, a slither of ice penetrating her voice. "That's the worst idea you've ever had. You're really going to trust me to look after her?" Anyone listening would think she'd been asked to share a mud tub with Louis if they heard the tone of her reaction.

"Donna, don't be so hard on yourself," Deborah began, but before she could finish speaking her daughter had hung up the phone. She didn't want to hear her mother lie to make her feel better, at least that's how she saw it.

Her mind had wandered from the task at hand as she worried about her mother's words. She needed a break and left her office for a coffee. As the COO neared one of the conference rooms, she spotted a familiar man with light brown hair standing at a little over six-feet tall dressed in an expensive suit walk out. Luke Manning, accompanied by a fourth-year associate.

She froze where she stood at the sight of him. It had been 7 years since he'd worked against, and with, Harvey. She could feel her hands grow clammy but she was at work; she had to pull herself together. A shiver ran up her spine and she felt her blood run cold like a shard of ice to her heart, making it all the more difficult to ignore. With a deep breath that echoed through her whole body, she entered the conference room to see Samantha getting up from her chair.

"What's Luke Manning doing here?" Donna asked, gesturing to the open door the lawyer had just walked out through.

"Don't tell me, he's your friend too and you want me to drop the case." Samantha accused.

"First up, he's not my friend. I met him when I worked for Harvey. Secondly, what case?"

"He was accused of sexual harassment in the workplace, we've got two of his co-workers suing him." She revealed and Donna's bottom lip dropped.

"Why would I want you to drop the case?" Donna asked, somewhat annoyed by the assumption.

"Harvey told me to this morning." Samantha revealed, causing the redhead's eyes to widen. She responded with a sharp inhale of breath.

"Harvey's not like that," she muttered quietly. Her face was the picture of confusion and Samantha almost pitied her.

"He said they spoke over the phone and that he doesn't think they'll win." She declared. "I'm starting to think he might be right. Manning won't settle and we can't prove what happened. Plus, there's only two of them and he's saying they're ex-lovers who are upset he lost interest in them. He's calling bullshit."

"Samantha, you can't let these women down." Donna asserted, taking a step closer.

"I know," Samantha sighed, gathering the files in front of her.

X

"Hey," he said as he entered her office. His girlfriend returned the greeting, sitting on the couch looking up at him. "I got you a present," he sounded hesitant as he balanced himself on the arm of the couch. He didn't buy people gifts, that was Donna's job and even his new secretary's. He passed her something that was covered by the small, white plastic bag he'd placed it in.

"Nice wrapping skilled," she teased and he shrugged in response. "Why?" she asked, confused by the gesture. She grasped the object and fingered the corner of it as she awaited his response.

"I just…" he began, not yet used to romantic gestures. Forcing himself to continue, he went on to say, "wanted to see you smile." Her eyes widened in that moment, her whole face the epitome of happiness. Was this the same man she'd been working with for all those years, accidentally falling endlessly in love with while fearing any emotional unavailability?

She placed her hand inside the bag, grabbed the item then pulled the bag off with her other hand. She revealed an upside-down frame and turned it over to reveal a photo of her giving Ella a piggy back, the golden sun setting in the trees behind them. Both wore massive smiles; their faces were next to each other and framed by their red hair. Ella's arms were wrapped around her mother, who had one hand delicately placed on them. The rectangular frame was silver and 'family' was etched into it in cursive writing beneath the photo.

Donna looked up at him, tears pricking her eyes as she smiled.

"I thought maybe, now that I know, you might want to add a touch of Ella to your apartment." He suggested, gazing into her eyes and seeing her feel things he'd never seen her feel before: a mother's love.

"Thank you," she whispered, blinking hard to stop her eyes from glistening. She looked back down at the photo frame she clutched, preparing herself to ask a difficult question.

"I want to ask you a question and I want you to be honest." She looked up at him again, no longer smiling, instead overcome by seriousness. He nodded, which prompted her to continue. "Do you believe the women accusing Luke Manning of harassment?"

"Yes," he replied instantaneously. _'Goddamn Samantha'_, he thought to himself. Donna nodded, knowing he was being honest, but an awkwardness began to grow between the couple. "You thought that little of me?"

"No, Harvey," she replied, shaking her head. "I told Samantha you're not like that but I just wanted to hear you say it." She confessed and he gave a slight nod, moving his gaze to the windows behind her.

"I didn't know you still spoke to him," she said and he shrugged before he returned his eyes to hers.

"I don't. He called me." He stated.

"I didn't mean to sound like I was accusing you," she said softly and he nodded.

"I know," he responded. "Shall we go?" He proposed and she accepted the offer, grabbing her coat and slipping the frame into her handbag.

X

"_Do you not see me sitting here?" Donna asked sarcastically, the tall man stopping in his tracks at her words. He turned to look at the secretary, his head tilted and his brows raised._

"_I did, but you looked busy and I'm only slightly early. I thought I'd wait inside," he informed her with a smile. _

"_You're Luke Manning." He nodded at her statement as she studied his features. His ash blonde hair was slicked back and his jaw was covered by a light stubble. His navy suit came in at $2,500, give or take, and she couldn't see any traces of a stain or a stray hair in sight. His tie was perfectly centred, so perfect it could've been sewn to his shirt. _

"_That I am," he stepped closer to her cubicle, making eye contact with the redhead._

"_Let me guess, you want Harvey to know you mean business," she stated as she continued to type. _

"_Something like that," he smirked. _

"_You care a lot about what people think, huh?" She tapped the enter key with enthusiasm before removing her hands from the keyboard. "You're a perfectionist, you're proud, and you know exactly what you want."_

"_You think?" _

"_I know." She declared with a smug smile._

"_Sorry, I didn't catch your name," he stepped closer again, now standing against her cubicle wall._

"_I'm Donna." She replied as he moved to place his hands down on her cubicle, leaning closer. "Don't even think about it." She warned and the blonde threw his hands up in surrender._

"_Maybe, if I let you cuddle my daughter's new kittens, you'd be more interested." He suggested and Donna cocked a brow._

"_That non-existent daughter of yours doesn't have any kittens." She quipped and he furrowed his brow._

"_How do you know that?" _

"_Like I said, I'm Donna," she jested and he nodded with an accepting expression._

"_So, Donna," he said with special emphasis on her name. "How long have you worked with Specter?" He questioned as he slotted his hands into his pockets._

"_Umm, I don't know, around 7 years I think." She was deliberately vague as she lied through her teeth. She did know. In fact, she knew it down to the day, but she would never admit to anyone - let alone a complete stranger - that she didn't even need a calendar to know when she and Harvey would next be eating at Del Posto. She tried convincing herself that if she pretended that she didn't know and she didn't care then the feelings would go away, eventually._

"_7 years is a pretty long time, you sure you're not bored?" He asked, staring directly into her eyes. _

"_I'm happy working for Harvey, so you and your baby blues can move along, sweet cheeks." _

_In a glance, she spotted her boss making his way down the corridor towards them. "Harvey! Luke Manning is here to see you." _

X

Sitting at her desk the next morning, her four colour Bic pen in one hand and her mug of coffee in the other, Donna was met by Samantha.

"I know you wanted me to fight for these women," she began, standing opposite the redhead. "So, I thought I'd let you know that I'm dropping the case because it should really be handled by a prosecutor. The state will be able to build a criminal case against Manning and hopefully get more women to come forward."

"I hope it goes well," Donna responded before placing down her coffee and twiddling with her pen.

"I hope you don't mind me asking," the blonde began as she took a seat in the chair next to her, getting on an equal level with Donna. "Did you ever feel suspicious of him? Just because, you know, you're Donna." There was a momentary silence as Donna formulated her response.

"I guess a little bit," she replied quietly. Samantha nodded and thanked her.

"How about we grab a drink soon?" She asked.

"Yeah, why not," Donna smiled.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello all! First up, I'm sorry I've made you wait until chapter 7 to meet a certain someone, that's just how the story was carrying itself! I've decided to write English spellings for descriptions but if it's within speech I use American spellings because they're the ones speaking - if this inconsistency in spellings annoys you then please say so (although I'll use the English over the American aha). I hope you like this chapter! There's no flashback and I'm not sure whether people prefer to have them or not? Let me know. I also feel like I've been neglecting the Darvey content and I'm trying to make up for that! Thank you for your reviews, they never fail to make me smile. It's so lovely to have the encouragement and to know that people actually like what I'm writing! Just a little disclaimer: I know Donna doesn't have a guestroom but for this story it's so much easier if she does. Maybe that room between the living area and her bedroom is a guestroom but I don't think it is, anyhow, we're just pretending she has one! Sorry for the ramblings, if you've read all of this then you're a gem haha! Enjoy! :) x**

* * *

"How about that drink?" Donna suggested upon entering Samantha's office, two days after her friend's proposal.

"Sure," the blonde replied. She stood from her desk chair and poured them both some whiskey before they took their seats on her couch.

"Things with you and Harvey seem to have improved," Samantha said with a smile.

"They have," Donna replied, bringing her tumbler to her lips.

"I'm sorry for going behind your back," the blonde continued and Donna near choked on her drink.

"Did you just apologize?" She lowered her glass into her lap and sat with her mouth agape.

"I did, and you might want to hold your breath because I'm about to do it again." She revealed and Donna responded with a confused expression. "I'm sorry I wasn't happy for you when the two of you finally got together."

"You'd just lost your mentor as a result of my mistake," Donna reasoned.

"Yes, but you didn't force, or even ask, him to lay himself on the line." Samantha enforced and Donna nodded with a knowing smile.

"Thank god the two of you finally got your shit together," she continued with a smirk. "I only just got here and was sick of your sexual tension, god knows how Louis put up with it so long." She said playfully, Donna trying her best to suppress her growing smile but failing.

"Well, it was definitely worth the wait," she grinned and Samantha widened her eyes.

"Why doesn't that come as a surprise?" A suggestive look on her face.

"If I thought you were into men I might start to worry right about now. I can see exactly what you are thinking about," Donna smirked.

"And?" Samantha brought her whiskey to her lips but didn't break eye contact with Donna, who was more flustered by the direction of the conversation than she wanted to admit. Still, she appreciated Samantha's friendliness. It'd been tough after Rachel left; she was the only friend Donna had ever had who'd been able to get through her walls.

"I decline to answer," she replied with a chuckle.

"I mean it, Donna, it's nice to see things work out for a change. Too often people's bullshit gets in the way but you and Harvey… you've got something special." Samantha's honesty and sincerity took Donna by surprise and she wasn't quite sure how to respond – Donna's speechlessness was a rarity.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say that's gone straight to your head," Donna responded, nodding to the alcohol, but Samantha simply tilted her head. "Thank you. He's made me happier than I can ever remember being."

"I'm glad," Samantha replied before trying to work out how to phrase her next question. "I've heard things about the two of you and I don't like to speculate, you're my friend so I'll just say it. Had you and Harvey ever slept together before?"

Donna was surprised by the sudden line of interrogation, not quite sure what to make of it, but she believed Samantha meant well. She was the most honest and upfront person Donna knew so she trusted she could take her word for it.

"Once. 13 years ago." Donna said matter-of-factly, watching as Samantha made a realisation. "I know what you wanted to ask, and no, he's not Ella's father." She continued, her eyes now fixed on the amber liquid she held in her fingers. "I don't want to talk about her father."

"I understand," and she did, loud and clear. Samantha didn't want to upset Donna or come across as judgemental. She viewed Donna as her friend, someone she'd managed to make great progress with after their rocky start and she didn't want to jeopardise that.

X

Harvey rolled over under the sheets and was met by a head full of red hair. He breathed in her coconut scent as he wrapped his arms around her, pulling himself closer to her.

"Morning," she mumbled into the sheets as she felt him embrace her. He nuzzled his face into her neck, planting a kiss with a hum. It was mornings like these that they both loved; laid in each other's arms, engulfed in the other's scent, nothing to distract them from their love.

"Can we stay here all day?" He whispered, his left leg slipping between hers, closing any gap between their bodies. He slipped his hand under her satin night dress, resting his hand on her bare torso, feeling her skin against his own.

"I wish," she breathed as she placed her hand on his wrist.

"What time did you get in last night?" He asked, having fallen asleep despite his intentions to wait up. She told him not to, that he needed his rest and wouldn't be able to, and she was right – that came as no surprise though.

"About midnight," she answered, not making any effort to move from her position. Her head was still sunk into her pillow and she was not only wrapped in her lover's arms but the bed sheets she hogged nightly. Something that if any other woman had done, he would've been silently annoyed and have tugged them over to his side, but with her it was different.

They were interrupted by the shrill ringing of Donna's phone on her bedside table. She groaned, and slowly reached out to grab it. She sunk back into Harvey's embrace as she declined the call from her mother.

"You're still ignoring her?" He posed and she furrowed her brow.

"What makes you think I'm ignoring her?" She asked abruptly, shifting away slightly and rolling so her back was against the mattress, enabling her to see his face.

"That's not the first of her calls you've rejected recently," he replied, tucking a hair behind her ear.

"She just always calls at the wrong time," she said as she gazed into his deep brown eyes. "We're just about to conduct some _very_ important business," she smirked, as did he, as he moved to hover over the top of her body. Landing his knees on the bed either side of her thighs, his hands beside her arms, he leaned in closer.

"You mean, this piece of important business?" He said before he placed a kiss on the crook of her neck. "Or this one?" He placed another on her collarbone. "Or these?" He continued down her chest, slipping her straps off of her shoulder as he did, before he reached her sternum.

They were interrupted again, this time by his phone. Both groaned as he planted his face into her chest in despair, before reaching for his cell.

"It's Louis," he sighed, the phone still ringing.

"Are you going to answer?" She asked, looking to the man now sat slightly left of her.

"No," he told her, rejecting the call. "It'll be about Joan Walsh getting sued."

"We should get up," she stated, sitting up where she was.

"Should we?" He teased but she gave him a look that said 'you know we should, we'll come back to this later'. Reluctantly he agreed, obviously.

X

He strolled into her office with a coffee in one of the Finnish mugs she so adored. He took in the view in front of him. Her silky, red locks glowed from the golden sunlight streaming in behind her. She was wearing her black dress with the front zip, which was open to reveal just enough cleavage to satisfy him until he could relieve her of it when they got home.

"Splash of vanilla," he smiled as he placed it down in front of her. She picked it up with a grin and took a sip. She dramatically rolled her eyes back and let out a loud sigh, her boyfriend shaking his head with a laugh in response.

"Thanks," she said with a glimmer in her eyes.

"Is that a hint of what I'll get later?" He smirked, his hands in his pockets and his head tilted slightly down and to the right.

"Now that's entirely down to you," she returned the smirk and the head tilt before drinking more of her coffee. "Did you work out the Joan Walsh situation?"

"Yeah. It hasn't been finalized yet but it's sorted," he replied as he perched on the arm of the chair opposite her. "Did you call your mom back?"

"Nope," she answered, popping the 'p'.

"You declined another call, didn't you?" He didn't get a response, his girlfriend pretending to be engrossed in the papers in front of her to avoid the subject. "You can't ignore her forever, Donna. Something serious could've happened."

"He's right," another voice came. Donna's head shot up at the sound - she'd know that voice a mile off.

"Mommy!" A small, red-headed girl ran into the office, bounding over to Donna who gave her a help up onto her lap. She wrapped her arms around her mother's neck and shoulders, Donna tightening the hug.

"I've missed you," Donna muttered into the girl's ear while running her hand through the loose curls that fell down her back.

"I've missed you too," Ella replied, her eyes shut tight as she sat in her mother's arms.

"What are you doing here?" Donna asked having turned to her mother who was one foot in the door. Her tone a mixture of curiosity, confusion and shock.

"If you hadn't been ignoring my calls then you'd know." Deborah stepped further into the room and closed the door behind her. "Harvey Specter, long time no see," she approached him with a grin, placing the grey leather holdall down by the desk.

"Deborah," he smiled, standing up and giving her a hug.

"I told you, it's Debbie," she was pointing a finger at him as if to lecture him but her tone was light-hearted and friendly.

"Mom, you didn't answer my question. Why are you here?" Donna asked in a calm voice but the widening of her eyes signalled her frustrations. Her hug with her daughter had loosened and the girl had swivelled around to sit slightly diagonally on her mother's lap, facing her grandmother.

"Grandpa's sick," she replied, leaning forward to see what her mother had been working on.

"What?" Donna responded in shock and concern, looking at her mom for further explanation with a furrowed brow. Deborah glanced at the six-year-old, indicating that it wasn't a conversation for little ears.

"It's Ella, right?" Harvey intercepted, the child looking up at him.

"Yep and you're Harvey, mom's boyfriend." She stated with a knowing smile.

"That I am," he smiled back. "Hey, do you like ice cream?"

"I love it!" She grinned excitedly.

"Maybe we could go and grab some, how does that sound?" He suggested and the child nodded eagerly, Donna mouthing a 'thank-you'. "We'll be back in a bit," he said as Ella slipped of her mother's lap and made her way over to Harvey who was approaching the door.

"See you in a bit," she said, looking back to her mother and grandmother. Meeting Harvey, she slipped her hand into his, causing a small, heartfelt smile to grow on his face as they left the office.

Deborah took a seat with a heavy sigh, sinking into the chair.

"Your father's no longer in remission." She said it quietly, unable to make eye contact with her daughter, who responded with a sharp inhale of breath.

"What?" She whispered, mouth hanging slightly open as her eyes glazed over. A silence filled the room.

"He collapsed the other night, a few hours after you hung up the phone." It was only when she next spoke that she returned her eyes to Donna's. "We can't look after her anymore sweetheart, especially not now." She swallowed hard, trying to repress the growing lump in her throat.

"And you think I can?" Donna hit back, bewildered and doubtful, her bottom lip quivering a little.

"We know you can, Donna. I know you don't believe it but you are a great mom, and you're not on your own anymore, you've got Harvey." Deborah was pleading with her daughter to believe in herself, to trust herself and to use her 'Donna magic' – as the Paulsen family called it – to see the truth about herself.

"But what if I can't?" Donna's voice shaking with each word. "I'll let her down."

"Maybe you will, but all parents let their children down one time or another. I know you've got these wonderful abilities but you're only human, Donna. There's no such thing as the perfect parent. You'll think you're getting it wrong over and over again, and you'll worry about her because all you want to do is protect her." She leaned forward, resting her hands on the desk as she twiddled with her fingers, "but that shows what a brilliant mother you are. You care about that little girl more than anything else in this world, and that fear you've harbored since the day she was born? If it wasn't there then I'd be concerned. Don't you see? She can't do better than a mom like you."

X

Harvey had taken Ella to a dessert truck a short walk from the firm. Sitting on a bench nearby, the young girl scooped the strawberry gelato out of the tub. She was telling Harvey about the birthday party she'd been to over the weekend.

"Her dad brought out a really, really, really, really big cake. It was blue and white and had Elsa and Anna and Olaf on it and it was so chocolatey inside." She said with wide eyes, her thoughts of the cake fuelling her enthusiasm. To tell the truth, Harvey had gotten lost when the child began to talk about the Frozen theme of the party.

"Is Frozen your favorite Disney movie?" He asked the child sat beside him.

"No." She replied, licking the remnants of the ice cream from her plastic spoon. "I do like it but my favorite is between Brave or The Little Mermaid because Merida and Ariel have red hair like me and mom." She popped her spoon into the tub and looked up at Harvey.

"Finished!" She grinned as she held the tub up. Harvey took it with a smile before handing her a napkin.

"Here, you can wipe your mouth." She took it from his hand and wiped the leftover ice cream from around her lips as he put the tub in the trash can next to their bench. "What about Dumbo? My niece Haley loves that one."

"Dumbo makes me sad," Ella said, swinging her legs and watching her feet, her hands tucked under her thighs. "It makes me think of mommy." Her voice was small and Harvey watched the girl transform from an extroverted chatterbox into a tiny, vulnerable bird.

"How come?"

"Sometimes she sings Baby Mine to me at bed time. Then she leaves." She moved her hands out from under her and twiddled with her fingers in her lap.

"Should we go back inside to see your mom and grandma?" He suggested, Ella looking up to him and nodding. He stood up and held out his hand, the young child clutching onto it once she'd slid off of the bench.

"Did you know I'm living with mommy now?" She asked as they walked along the sidewalk.

"You'll have to put up with me then," he smiled down at her, pretending not to be taken aback by her revelation.

"Only if you keep getting me ice cream," she replied, swinging the arm connected to Harvey.

When they arrived at the 50th floor, Harvey felt the eyes of his co-workers fixate on him and Ella. The bullpen would have a field day with the rumours. He made eye contact with Louis – the managing partner stood with his mouth hanging open, his brows furrowed and his eyes wide.

"Louis, this is Ella," he stated as he walked the little girl over.

"Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute." His finger pointing up while he blinked rapidly. "You, um, err, you have a kid?" He pointed his finger from Harvey to Ella and back to Harvey.

"No," he responded with a smile, taking great pleasure in the shock on his friend's face. "Donna does." He watched as Louis' shock grew, not even sure how it was possible.

"I need a day." He stated, his eyes staring at a spot on the wall and his gaze just past Harvey's head. Harvey took glee in hearing the phrase and walked himself and Ella around Louis in the direction of Donna's office, leaving the managing partner frozen where he stood.

Ella's hand slipped out of Harvey's when they entered the office and she bounced towards Donna's desk. She stood next to it, pulling a pen out of the pot and clicking the colours.

"How was your ice cream?" Donna asked, placing a hand on the little girl's back.

"Scrumptious!" She exclaimed.

"That's her new favorite word," Deborah asserted.

"Can we go to your home soon?" The child asked, still playing with the four colour Bic pen. Donna hesitated for a second and looked to Harvey; they both had stacks of work to finish off but it wasn't fair to make her wait. Harvey gave her a 'I don't see why we can't' look and Donna turned to her daughter with a nod; it was after 5pm anyway, and it was exceptional circumstances.

X

"Is there anything you want for dinner?" Donna asked, closing her front door as her child ran into the living room.

"Can I have chips, please?" She called out, sinking into the couch.

"That diner around the corner does deliveries," Harvey suggested. His comment elicited a confused look from his girlfriend who couldn't understand why or how Harvey Specter would know that.

"Aren't you full of surprises," she smirked and he scoffed.

"You're one to talk," he jested, nodding to the couch ahead of them. "Do you like burgers, Ella?"

"Yeah!" She replied as she peaked out over the back of her seat, only her thick auburn hair and bright blue eyes visible. "Please can I get my fairy wings?" She asked, her eyes darting to the bag in Harvey's hand. He walked around the settee and placed the bag down next to her.

Without hesitation, the girl unzipped the bag at a rapid rate and pulled out her baby pink fairy wings. Pink glitter covered its edges and it decorated the wings in floral lines, a baby pink ribbon tied in a bow at the centre. They'd been kept flat, placed in the centre of the bag in which they only just fit.

After dinner, the three snuggled up on Donna's bed, watching Netflix on her laptop. After much deliberation, and comments from both Harvey and Ella about why she should get a television, they settled on the live action of Beauty and the Beast. The laptop was balanced on her lap as she sat between Harvey and Ella, who was asleep by the end of the movie.

"I'll sleep in the guestroom tonight," he whispered after getting back from the bathroom. "It'll be easier than moving her," he continued as Ella's chest silently rose and fell.

"You don't have to do that," Donna replied, still quiet so not to wake the child.

"I know, but I want to. It's her first night here, it'll be nice for her to wake up with you." His selflessness warmed her heart but it didn't surprise Donna. She smiled and lifted Ella slightly so Harvey could move the sheets out from underneath her. Donna took off the fairy wings and propped them up against the side table before tucking her daughter in.

Once they'd left the room, Harvey insisted Donna sit down on the settee while he grabbed them both a drink before joining her.

"I'm sorry you've been landed with this out of nowhere," Donna apologised, only for Harvey to place his hand on her knee.

"You don't need to apologize, Donna, it's not a problem." He told her before taking his wine glass to his lips.

"I know you're ok with it but still," she took a breath. "It was pretty unexpected."

"You're great with her." His statement was bold, his genuine belief in his words glaringly obvious, however she still looked uncertain. "I mean it," he assured her.

"I know you do," she replied, her tone slightly melancholic. He noticed, obviously, he always does.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm scared," she whispered her gaze fixed on her merlot. Harvey placed his own glass down and moved closer, lifting her chin with his finger so her eyes met his.

"But it's going to be ok," he whispered back, his breath tickling her lips when he spoke. He leaned in, their lips touching. It was a slow and meaningful kiss that came as a comfort to Donna but also a reminder: he was there, he had been for fourteen years and it wasn't about to change.

"Maybe now's a good time to finish what we started this morning," she suggestively whispered as they broke contact. The glimmer in his eye giving her the answer she needed.


	8. Chapter 8

**TRIGGER WARNING: sexual assault; sexual harassment - NO graphic description. **

**Hi all. I'm sorry it's been so long. I'm actually in the middle of exam season but I've been trying to write this chapter for a few weeks and struggling, eventually deciding it would have to be a little shorter and moving what I planned to write in chapter 9 to the end of this one. I would like to say, though, please look after yourselves. Be aware that there's content in this chapter that could upset some people and your well-being is far superior to any story. I hope I got the balance right (the wonderful May thinks I did - check out her stories). Please let me know what you think!**

**\- Jess x**

* * *

"Mom," she whispered while prodding Donna's upper arm with her right index finger. Having woken up to find her mother's left arm draped over her body, Ella was unsure of what she should do upon waking in the unfamiliar setting. She'd gone to the bathroom but, when she returned to the bed, she was disappointed to find Donna still sleeping.

"Good morning sweetie," Donna muttered, her eyes still closed.

"I'm hungry," Ella said quietly. Donna slowly opened her eyes, lifting her hand to run it through her daughter's wavy locks. She peered over her to the clock on the bedside table, suppressing a sigh when she saw it wasn't even 6am.

"Should we go get some breakfast?" Donna smiled; her voice slightly croaky. An enthusiastic nod from her daughter forced her out of bed and, throwing her robe over her shoulders, she followed the child into the living area.

They settled on Ella having toast which was smothered in butter, of course. Donna promised her they'd go out and buy whatever breakfast foods she wanted over the weekend. As she brewed coffee for herself and Harvey, Donna couldn't help but worry about the rate at which the rumour mill would turn when everything came out. She knew she shouldn't but it was an earworm of a thought.

"Do I have to go to school today?" Ella asked before taking another bite of her toast, crumbs gathering in the corners of her mouth.

"Not today, no." Donna had completely forgotten about school, knowing she'd have to sort that out. "You realize you'll have to change school now," she said softly, sitting down to meet Ella's level. The child paused for a moment, stopping chewing as her bottom lip dropped slightly.

"That's okay," she said after swallowing. Donna continued to watch her devour her food, coming to grips with the fact her daughter was actually in her apartment, sitting in front of her, eating breakfast. "Can I go back and see my friends soon?"

"Yeah, of course you can. We can say hi when we next see gran and grandpa," Donna assured her with a smile. As Ella brought her glass of water to her lips, Donna stood from her seat, returning to her coffee on the kitchen counter.

"Mom," she heard from behind her, humming in acknowledgement. "What are we doing today if I'm not in school?" She asked, placing down her glass as Donna turned to face her, grasping her mug.

"You're going to come to work with us," she replied and Ella thought on it for a moment before a look of glee spread across her face.

"In your office?" She asked in excitement, her mother nodding. "Can I see Harvey's office too? Can I help you with work? Can I use your pens?"

X

_Upon noticing the movement inside the office, Donna fixed her gaze on the notes in front of her. She heard Harvey and Luke say their goodbyes – Harvey had a meeting in the conference room – and glanced up to see her boss walking away. _

"_Donna," she heard him say, as he stood to the side of her cubicle. She didn't look up at him, uninterested in whatever it was he wanted. "Donna, I'm sorry about the other day. I must have been mistaken and misread the signals. I don't want things to be awkward between anyone." _

_The other day had come as a shock to Donna. She had liked Luke, saw a potential friendship there should Harvey and him not end up butting heads over a deal or merger. She was on the couch with him in Harvey's office, laughing at a story he'd been telling, when he placed his left hand on her right thigh, gently grazing his finger across it. After the initial shock, she promptly moved his hand away and stood from the sofa. He immediately apologised but followed it up by telling her that she shouldn't have flirted with him. The entrance of Harvey broke the tense atmosphere. She left silently; Harvey blissfully unaware of the encounter. _

"_Why would you think that coming on to me without invitation would make things awkward?" She questioned; her voice drenched in sarcasm._

"_Yeah, well, I take it Harvey doesn't know?" He knew Harvey didn't know. It could be inferred that Harvey simply didn't care, but this was Luke's third time closing a deal with Harvey and it had taken him all of ten minutes to see that the pair weren't just colleagues. _

"_No," she mumbled, only now turning to look at him. "It's okay, just forget about it." _

_It wasn't, and he shouldn't, but she said it anyway. She wasn't sure why. Perhaps for an easy life, perhaps because she thought he was harmless, perhaps because he was looking down at her with the same condescending attitude she'd seen in other lawyers. He wouldn't back down and she wasn't looking for a fight. _

"_I'm glad. I'd hate to think of the impact this could have on mine and Harvey's clients." The lawyers were entering into somewhat of a 'you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours' relationship. Mergers and client deals that would hopefully benefit them both. _

_His words hit Donna like a truck. Another of her reactions within a matter of moments that she couldn't comprehend. She hadn't even thought about what it could've done for Harvey's relationship with his client had she told him. 'Would he have been fired for messing the deal up? Although, he wasn't interested in her like that,' she thought._

"_Don't worry, it won't impact it." She reassured with an insincere smile. _

"_Why don't you and I have dinner tonight?" He proposed after a moment, surprising Donna whose eyes widened. _

"_I don't know," she said softly, her voice evidently hesitant. _

"_It doesn't have to become anything," he pushed. He came across as somewhat reassuring, almost comforting, despite his determination to get his way. _

"_I don't think it's a good idea, I have a ton of work to get through." She responded, her expression apologetic. _

"_Look, Donna, if I'm completely honest then…" He paused for a second. "I want to make it up to you. I wish I hadn't done it, I never meant to upset you, I just got so caught up. Come on, we can have a laugh. No funny business, get things back on track." He urged, her expression softening as he gave her a friendly smile. His blue eyes a sea of apology; how could she say no without feeling guilty?_

"_Yeah, sure, why not?" She could think of plenty of reasons why not. She was tired, she was still recovering from a night out two days prior, she was behind on work and he had only recently made an unexpected and uninvited move on her. _

"_See you at mine at 8? I'll text you the address," he grinned. A momentary panic flashed through her mind – his home? However, she was convincing herself that he was trying to make amends so there was no harm in going. _

"_Yeah, I'll see you then," she widened her smile ever so slightly before returning her gaze to the workload in front of her._

"_Oh, by the way," he began, Donna just about to raise her glance. "I like your dress." He walked away, back to her, and she couldn't be sure, or could she?_

_If anyone had asked, Donna would have been sure he was looking at her cleavage, not her dress at all. Or did she just think he was looking at it? She was Donna, she always knew, so why didn't she know now? _

X

One hand holding her handbag and the other holding her daughter's hand, Donna took a deep breath as the elevator ascended.

Harvey looked to his left, catching a glimpse of the redhead.

"Hey," he whispered and she turned to focus on him. He gave a reassuring smile before the elevator dinged upon reaching the 50th floor.

The trio exited and several faces turned their way, one after the other, staring at the unexpected sight. They walked in the direction of Harvey's office having promised Ella she could see it as soon as they arrived. Their heads held high, Donna and Harvey ignored the gawking eyes of their colleagues.

"This," Harvey said as he pushed the door open and gestured for Ella to enter, "is my office."

Ella wandered inside with wide eyes, her mouth agape. Slowly, she turned on the spot, silence in the room as the couple awaited her response.

"It's huge," she finally said, looking up at the name partner. "Why do you have basketballs?" She asked with a furrowed brow, her mouth twisted to the side out of curiosity.

"Sometimes I help sports people," he answered, walking over to his desk and picking up his signed baseball. "Here," he gently threw it her way and Ella caught it between both hands.

"I used to work on that desk out there," Donna placed a hand on her daughter's shoulder and leant down slightly, her other hand pointing to her old cubicle.

"I like your office better."

"Me too," Donna whispered with a secretive smirk. "Let's head over there now, leave Harvey to get on with his job."

"See you later," Ella grinned towards him before they left his office.

X

_Donna had spent the better part of 2 hours thinking about what to wear, and with 5 minutes until she had to leave, she still couldn't decide. She didn't particularly want to remain in the low-cut dress she'd worn through the day after the comment it elicited from Luke, but equally Donna didn't want to change in case it gave him the wrong idea. _

_In a last-minute panic, Donna chose to stick with the black, cap-sleeved dress she'd worn throughout the day. She put her camel coat on before grabbing her purse and throwing her phone in it, leaving her apartment to grab a taxi in the street._

_When it pulled up outside his building, Donna took a deep breath in before she got out. Feigning confidence, she strode across the sidewalk and inside._

_When she reached his apartment door, she held her head up and steadily knocked three times. _

"_Hi," he smiled upon swinging the door open and she smiled back. "Come in," he said as he moved aside to give her the room, closing the door behind her and gesturing for her to go through the hall. He led her past a couple of doors and into a large, open plan room. Brown leather couches were in the end near them, a fireplace and television in front of them and behind the chairs was a bar. _

"_Want a drink?" He asked, heading towards the black marble bar and pulling out a bottle of red wine when he got there. "I thought this might be your poison of choice."_

"_How did you know?" She asked in both puzzlement and amazement._

"_You're not the only one who can read people," Luke said, pulling out some wine glasses. "Now, I thought I could try cooking us dinner," he began as he uncorked the bottle. "Then I thought we might want something actually edible, so how about we order a takeout? I was thinking we could get Chinese?"_

"_Yeah, sounds good," she replied, Luke walking closer before extending his arm to pass her a glass._

_A couple of hours passed. After eating, they'd returned to the couch. The fire was going and they were enjoying a pleasant conversation. Exchanging stories and reminiscing. Donna had forgotten her worries about the evening, the purpose of their dinner seeming to have been fulfilled._

"_Thank you for coming over," Luke sipped his wine before placing his glass down on the coffee table. _

"_Thank you for the invite, I've had a nice time." She too placed her glass down, sinking back into the cushion behind her. _

"_I'm glad. I still can't believe you've not watched The Matrix," he chuckled. _

"_Well, maybe we'll have to watch it next time we have a take out." She smiled back, enjoying his friendly company and recurring banter. _

"_Oh, so you want a next time?" He asked, looking for confirmation._

"_Why not? Tonight's been fun, we get on well." Donna said matter-of-factly, Luke's smile widening._

"_That we do," he replied quietly. His eyes latching onto her gaze before she dropped hers down slightly. He placed his hand on her knee, this time receiving no protest from Donna who was caught in a web of different feelings and uncertainty. He took it as invitation to lean in, his face nearing hers. _

_It was at that moment her eyes returned to his, a moment of nothing before his lips found hers. They were gentle but hungry, desperate, and it didn't last long. She was pulling her mouth away before giving him satisfaction, regretting her lack of resistance._

"_No, this isn't right," she muttered, their breaths still colliding due to their close proximity. "I'm sorry," she whispered, her eyes rising from his lips to meet his line of sight._

"_That's not fair." His voice was quiet but noticeably agitated, clenching his jaw after speaking. _

"_I think I should go," she mumbled quietly. Her forearm met by his grasp, her breath catching in her throat. _

"_You know you want to stay." His clutch wasn't painful for her but it was firm enough that she wasn't sure she could release herself from it. _

_He loosened his hold, staring into her eyes, edging closer still. She didn't move, though. She stayed there, locked into place by invisible chains. _

"_Come on," he whispered, face close to hers again. His breath tickled her cheeks. _

"_I don't want to." It came out quietly, barely above a whisper, her voice constricted by an unseen force. _

_As his weight shifted, she felt herself sink back into the soft furnishing._

_She was overcome by a heaviness that poured through her body, creeping down her limbs and extremities, weighing down on every inch of her body. It was so heavy she couldn't move, frozen to the spot where she lay in spite of what she wanted. In the moments she felt it seize her, she didn't know that she'd ever find herself capable of moving again; a force so overwhelming yet so incomprehensible. _

_And her eyes found a spot on the ceiling, left of where she lay. Her eyes forced shut before slowly opening again, fixed on that spot. Shivers on her neck and back, prickling her porcelain skin before turning numb. _

_And it remained so incomprehensible. The idea that she was trapped when physically she wasn't. And she knew that she wanted to move, to leave, but she couldn't. _


	9. Chapter 9

**Hello all, me again! Thank you to everyone for your incredibly kind reviews, they're so encouraging and supportive! There is a follow up to the potentially triggering events in this chapter (and there's likely to be more follow up in chapters to come). Ella's new obsession was inspired by a story that Bryce Dallas Howard told about her daughter's favourite toy to sleep with in bed haha! I tried to keep up the lighter moments so it's not *too* heavy. I hope you all enjoy! And thanks again to May and her comment instructing me to murder Luke. **

**\- Jess xx**

* * *

_She didn't know how long she lied there even after he'd gone. Rooted to the couch, every inch of her being frozen in time. Her mind was stuck on a loop, the same few things circulating her brain. Her inability to spot it a mile off. Her inability to judge his character properly. Her inability to move, speak, react. _

_She finally pushed herself up. It took everything she had, heavier and weaker than she'd ever felt before. She took a deep, shaky breath as a wave of nausea hit her upon reaching a seated position. Her hands were firmly planted on the cushion beneath her, holding her down so she wouldn't float away._

_She slowly hoisted herself up to standing, bare feet colliding with the cold floor. Her lifeless eyes glanced around before realising her shoes were tucked behind the end of the couch. Grabbing onto the arm to steady herself, she slipped into the navy Louboutin's. _

_Coat on and purse in hand, she left the apartment. Once she'd escaped the building, she was bitten by the air; icy and fresh, her breath visible. She began to walk, her own apartment not too far – though further than a casual stroll. _

_The city was buzzing around her. Bright lights, loud noises, the world carrying on as normal. It was surreal, the feeling that she wasn't really there. One foot in front of the other, walking through the streets with such immense pain while the world remains oblivious, seemingly moving at twice the usual speed around you._

_It wasn't until she was inside her apartment that she felt grounded again. Leaning against the door to close it with her heavy body she was struck by a sharp inhale of breath. Tears gathered in her eyes, which she promptly closed before her hands gravitated to her face. They pushed through her hair, guiding it out of her face before the nausea hit her once more. Leaving her shoes behind, Donna darted to the bathroom. _

_She lurched over the toilet, her hands holding her locks out of her face as she wretched._

_Her trembling hand pressed down against the flush before she staggered to the sink, cupping water with her hands to wash her mouth out with. She lifted her eyes to the mirror ahead of her and stared, unsure of who she was and what she'd become. She was overwhelmed by a plethora of emotions that were flooding through her system and draining Donna of her sense of self._

_She felt the sudden urge to get out of her clothes. They were trapping her, smothering her in his scent, reminding her of his touch. She fought against the dress, her urgency making it more difficult to remove, the desperation causing her to panic. She attacked her underwear, wanting nothing more than for it to be gone, physically freeing herself of the moment she was emotionally trapped in. _

_She flicked the thermostat then the pressure dial, the water bursting out of the shower head – under which she now stood. It was too hot, of course it was, she knew it would be when she turned the temperature up. Her back found the tiled wall, leaning against it for support until her legs could take it no longer._

_She slid down until she met the floor. Her legs were tucked against her with her arms wrapped around them. Her skin was slightly red as it adjusted itself to the intense heat of the shower which was no longer painful. She sat there, desperate to feel new, and clean, and fresh, to destroy any trace of him from her skin. Her eyes stung from the smudged mascara and the salty tears she'd been trying to keep at bay, but she made no effort to stop the pain. She endured it, sitting there entirely still, focused only on her desire to feel clean._

X

A little over two weeks had passed since Ella's first morning at the firm and Donna and Harvey had found themselves expected at a charity gala on a Monday night. As name partner and COO, there was no valid excuse they could devise, especially considering the charity supported children with cystic fibrosis.

"You look like a princess!" Ella exclaimed as her mother entered their living room. She was wearing a navy, silk-satin dress that skimmed the floor. It had a slit up her leg, a plunging neckline and a spaghetti strap halter neck, her back bare aside from the spaghetti strap crossover. Her red, curled locks tumbled down her back, her lips painted a peach tone.

She smiled at her daughter, who was dressed in multi-coloured polka dot on white pyjamas, her tresses pulled back into a high ponytail.

"Be good for Mel," Donna said as her fingers stroked the top of Ella's head, pushing any loose hairs back.

"I'm always good for Mel," Ella told her. Mel being the nanny Donna and Harvey had hired – a brunette in her late 20s who minded the child until they'd return from work every evening.

"She is!" Mel added with a smile, handing Ella a half-full glass of water. "Come on, bed," she signalled with her head to Ella's bedroom.

"Can't you read me a story?" She asked Donna and Harvey with pleading eyes.

"Ray's outside, sweetie, I'm sorry." Her mother replied, crouching down to meet the child's level before kissing her goodnight.

When they arrived at the venue, the entered the building side-by-side, Harvey's hand resting in the small of her back. They glided into the busy room, people bustling about to integrate with peers they couldn't stand because that was the expectation.

"Bar?" He suggested, looking to his left. The idea of a drink before pretending to like the people he was forced to talk to sounded like the most appealing idea.

"Absolutely," she breathed out; her brows raised in confirmation that she too wasn't prepared to face the gala before a drink.

The couple remained at the bar for almost an hour, letting people come to them before they would inevitably have to separate and mingle with their colleagues and peers. In between encounters they were having endless eye sex, waiting until their bodies could actually reunite.

"Oh, look who's on his way over," Harvey said with slight dread as he looked at the man approaching from over Donna's shoulder. Not that he'd had any personal problems with him, but the gossip that was spreading across attorneys in New York made Harvey want to steer clear.

Donna turned to follow her partner's gaze, her eyes falling on an all too familiar face. Someone she hadn't expected to see and she found herself completely taken aback. A surge of anxiety overwhelmed her, a sudden feeling of nausea rising in her throat, her eyes fixed on him as he approached them.

"Harvey Specter!" He exclaimed when close enough, "and Donna Paulsen!"

"Luke Manning." Harvey shook his hand, a firm grip with a friendly face.

"You two look cosy over here," he cocked a brow and elicited a smirk from Harvey, Donna refusing to look his way. "Finally took the plunge, huh? I'm happy for you," he said as he placed a hand on each of their shoulders.

Donna took a sharp breath at the unexpected contact, flinching slightly and grimacing – her face towards the bar, eyes locked on her drink as she fought to hold it together.

She shifted her shoulder and gritted her teeth, his hand falling away. The redhead glanced over her shoulder in attempt to locate the nearest exit, which turned out not to be too far. She was determined not to go, not wanting to draw attention to her discomfort, but her inability to focus on anything other than his cologne flooding her senses was making it difficult, the conversation falling on deaf ears.

"Donna," he said her name out of some confusion, his finger grazing of the knuckles of her hand resting on the bar; snapping her back to reality. Her eyes rose to meet his, reading his expression of concern and puzzlement.

"I think I'm going to get some air," she spoke with a meagre smile before slipping away.

"Donna?" He could tell she wasn't okay as he watched her walk away. Something was eating at her, bothering her and distracting her, but what? This wasn't like her. She'd be leading the conversation, providing witticisms to progress the socialisation, interacting with everyone she collided with.

"Is she okay?" Luke asked. Obviously, she wasn't. He was an intelligent man with plentiful ability to read people who knew full well his presence dishevelled her.

"I should go after her," Harvey responded, hand falling into his pocket.

"It was nice seeing you," Luke said and Harvey nodded with a smile before leaving. He was pleased to have a reason not to be around the man suspected of sexual harassment. He knew there would be plenty of people still willing to talk to him despite the allegations but, after Donna and Samantha's reactions, he wasn't so keen to be seen around him.

Pulling the door open and meeting the night, the air was cooler than the inside of the building. He glanced around before spotting her down the sidewalk to his right, leaning against the wall, clutching her purse in front of her.

He strolled over to her, resting beside her against the wall with both hands in his pockets. He looked to his right, eyes landing on her. As they grazed over her, he noticed the goose bumps forming on her arms.

"Here," he muttered, removing his jacket. She removed herself from her relaxed position, standing away from the building so Harvey could drape it over her shoulders. "You okay?" He asked, hand resting on her upper arm.

"I haven't been feeling well," she begun with a shaky breath. "I think I'll go home."

"We've barely been here an hour, are you sure?" He ran the tips of his fingers delicately through a lock of hair that was lying down her chest, fingering the end of the curl. She nodded in response, hands holding the jacket over her by gripping the edges. "I'll call Ray for us," Harvey said as he reached into the pocket of his jacket.

"We can't both leave," she reminded him, prompting a sigh. "I'll just go home and get into bed. You have to stay."

"I know," he said reluctantly. "I'll call him now," he said, leaning forward to give his girlfriend a kiss, their lips briefly connecting before separating with a smile.

When Donna entered her apartment, she had to force herself not to fall apart on the spot. Her cold arms made her regret forcing Harvey's jacket back onto him when Ray arrived and she couldn't wait to get into bed, accompanied by a glass of wine and a book.

She made her way into the living room to greet Mel, who was sat watching television.

"Hi, I'm back," she announced, gliding in with her head held high.

"You're home early!" Mel exclaimed in surprise as she looked to her left to face Donna.

"Mommy!" Came a voice from behind her, Ella leaning out of her semi-open door.

"You should be asleep!" Donna replied with a stern voice and furrowed brow.

"She made me think she was," Mel cut in with a raised brow and Ella chewed her bottom lip.

"I didn't want to sleep until you got home." Ella revealed, stepping out of the room and hanging her hands in front of her, clasped together, feet turned in.

"I'll be off," Mel smiled as she stood up. "I'll see you tomorrow," she said facing Ella.

"See you tomorrow!" The girl returned with a toothy grin.

"Thank you, Mel," Donna smiled as the nanny left the room, before turning back to look to Ella. "You know you've got school tomorrow, missy? I don't care how tired you are."

"I couldn't sleep," Ella protested with wide eyes.

"Couldn't or didn't want to?" Donna questioned, folding her arms in front of her chest.

"Both!" Ella replied. "Not until you got home," she continued.

"Why not?" Donna asked out of genuine curiosity. She released her arms from their locked position and placed them on the arm of the couch behind her, perching on it.

"In case you didn't come back." Ella confessed, her left hand reaching up and behind her to twiddle with the hair in her ponytail.

"Honey, this is our home. Why wouldn't I come back?" Donna's response was accompanied by an evident concern, taken aback by her daughter's statement and slightly tightening her grip on the couch arm.

"Because you never do," Ella said quietly before swallowing. "You say you'll see me later but I have to wait ages to see you again." Her voice was small and she pressed her lips together before dropping her eyes to the ground.

Donna took a breath and felt tears begin to prick her eyes, trying to bat them away with blinks. She wetted her lips before pressing her lips together, trying to suppress her frown.

She pushed herself up from her position on end of the couch, stepping towards her daughter and crouching to meet her level.

"Hey," she whispered, smoothing Ella's hair with her right hand and clutching her hand in her left. "I promise you; I will always come home." Her trembling voice joined forces with her glistening eyes as her voice came close to cracking.

"Don't cry," Ella said in a high-pitched voice.

"I'm not," Donna smiled though she knew her daughter could very clearly see her welling eyes. "What do you say we have hot chocolates?" She suggested, met with an eager nod from Ella. "Let me go get changed then we can make them," kissing her daughter's head before rising from her position.

After closing her bedroom door and walking slightly inside, Donna felt a repressed tear finally slip down her cheek. She was quick to wipe it away, knowing that to lose composure would undoubtedly lead her to crumble where she stood. When she felt another tear fall, she did the same, before holding the sides of her index fingers against her bottom lids for a moment or two. She moved her hands to cover her face, palms flat against her cheeks as she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. A small whimper escaped her lips but she tilted her head up and dropped her hands away, determined not to break.

She swiftly got changed into black loungewear and scraped her hair back into a rough ponytail. She took another deep breath before exiting her room, returning to Ella.

"Stir it," Donna instructed to her daughter who was sat on the kitchen counter next to the hot chocolates being made. With a step to the left, she reached into the cupboard to pull out a small packet, a grin growing on Ella's face when she saw.

"Marshmallows!" She exclaimed excitedly, eliciting a chuckle from her mom.

"Here," she opened the bag and tilted it towards the child who instantly threw her hand in, filling it with the treat and sprinkling them on the top of her drink.

The first time the pair made hot chocolates together was on Ella's 2nd birthday. They stirred in maple syrup and added marshmallows, making the drink sickeningly sweet but entirely worth it. Their method had remained the same ever since and was one of their favourite drinks, more so for the meaning it carried rather than the actual flavour – though that helped, too.

"I'll carry it over to the couch for you," Donna said as she helped her daughter down from the counter. She followed the little girl's path, placing the mugs down on the coasters she'd placed on the coffee table.

"Can we watch a movie?" Ella asked as she sat down, curling her legs underneath her.

"Which one?" Donna knew that the child wouldn't last until the end of it, probably not even until halfway, so protesting wouldn't have been worth the hassle.

"Jurassic Park!" Ella grinned.

"We only watched it yesterday!" Donna reminded her, not wanting to see it again so soon.

"But it was so good! With the T-Rex and the flossy raptors!" Ella insisted, Donna smiling at her mispronunciation.

When Harvey returned to Donna's apartment, the only sound was that of the Jurassic Park theme tune. He'd stayed both later and earlier than intended, making a swift exit before Louis could catch him in yet another conversation with a prospective client.

Furthering to the living area, he grabbed the remote from the coffee table and switched the television off. He looked at the mother and daughter duo lying on the couch, both asleep as Ella laid on top of Donna.

He scooped the child up, who was fast asleep and didn't even stir upon his touch, and carried her through to her room before tucking her into bed. When he returned to Donna, he debated both moving her and waking her up. Instead, he settled on leaving her there to rest, grabbing a blanket and laying it over her before cleaning up the mugs.

X

_Eventually, Donna had drifted into a light sleep. Despite her spiralling thoughts that she couldn't turn off, the heaviness of her eyelids pushed her into darkness – to which she was grateful for, even if only momentarily._

_However, in finding herself asleep, she was plagued by the scent of his cologne, following her. Until she couldn't move, feeling paralysed, locked down by invisible restraints, laid on a cold floor. The smell got worse, flooding her, strangling her, suffocating her. She could feel a presence lingering over her that caused her to shiver uncontrollably, not helping her already restricted ability to breathe. Then came the feeling of a breath, tickling her cheek, neck, shoulder. _

_Her eyes shot open, her body forcing itself up to a sitting position, eyes darting around the room. Her breathing was rapid, uneven and loud, quivering in the silent room. The sound of her heartbeat filling her ears, her palms clammy and her body sticky from sweat._

_When she finally caught her breath back, she pushed back the covers to swing her legs over the edge of the bed. She debated another shower but feared how long she'd find herself stuck there. The time was early, but not too early for her to get ready for work. _

_Because that hit her like a brick wall._

_Going on as normal, living her life, pulling herself together. She didn't know how to react without reacting at all. She didn't consider telling anyone, it didn't even cross her mind. She was Donna. _

_Dragging her feet, she slowly navigated her way around her apartment. She made herself a coffee but didn't touch it. She sat with it; her mind lost in an abyss as it cooled down. She at no point attempted to drink the beverage, ultimately tipping it down the drain with a trembling hand before scrubbing the mug clean . She was overcome with an urge to clean, get rid of any possibility of dirt, germs, smears – something that would become a habit in the days that followed. That and attempting to put it straight out of her mind – it became impossible, but she was determined that was what she was going to do._

_What else can you do when everything's changed but nothing's changed at all?_

X

Her hand shot to her neck, rubbing it upon waking to soothe the pain that resulted from sleeping on the couch.

She swung around to a sitting position, reaching for her phone to check the time: 5:41am.

She turned around when hearing the door open and close, Harvey emerging into view. He shot her a smile when he saw her awake, her returning one.

"I didn't want to disturb you last night, you looked so peaceful," he told her as he walked forward, beads of sweat crawling down his face. "How come Ella was still up when you got in?" He asked as he sat down next to her.

"She was too scared to sleep in case I didn't come home," she replied, failing to look at him as she found herself immersed in guilt once again, drowning in it. She felt a steady hand on her back, grazing across it towards her far shoulder. "I did that to her. I made her terrified of being abandoned ." She looked to her boyfriend, watched as he shook his head slightly.

"She'll be okay," he assured her. Her pained expression hurting him also, knowing she was suffocating in blame and worry. "Come here," he pulled her against him and rested his chin on her head.

"Good morning," Ella resounded as she exited her room, the adults releasing from their position to look at her. "Today is a glorious day to get a dinosaur, Harvey." She raised her brows and tilted her head to the right, a stern expression on her face to match her no-nonsense tone of voice.

"I know, I know, I forgot yesterday but I will definitely order your dinosaur today." He confirmed in a serious tone, Ella giving a single nod in response. "Deal?" he asked, hand outstretched.

"Deal." She responded, shaking his hand with a sly smile.

"Which one was it you wanted? Was it a T-Rex?"

"Or a flossy raptor," she reminded him. Both adults had to try to stifle their response to her total inability to say velociraptor, Harvey biting his cheeks and Donna tightly pursing her lips with a hard swallow.

"Now that's sorted, you need to go get dressed," Donna told the child who agreed and left the room, leaving her mother and Harvey in their seat, turning to face one another. "A flossy raptor," Donna repeated through a stifled laugh and wide grin.

"A flossy raptor it is." Harvey said, his own struggle to resist the urge to chuckle made harder by the look on Donna's face.


	10. Chapter 10

**The longest chapter yet at over 4,200 words, whew. I wanted to finish by Monday night but now it's Wednesday and I've only just finished. Please continue to let me know what you think, I feel like the further into the story I get the more worried I am that people won't enjoy the updates! **

**Thanks for reading - Jess x**

* * *

"Harvey, I drew you a picture!" She called in excitement as soon as he and Donna entered his apartment. They'd been flicking between homes after Harvey had decorated his home study, turning it into a bedroom for Ella; three of the walls were white and one was lavender, sporting wall stickers of different wildlife creatures in a sketch-type design.

"No way!" He said, mouth gaping as he walked towards the breakfast bar, standing next to her seat.

"That's you," she told him pointing at one of the figures.

"Am I a superhero?" He asked eagerly.

"Uh huh, that's your cape," she traced her finger over its outline. "That's mom and me," she pointed to two figures with long hair, curls squiggled with an orange pen, one smaller than the other with fairy wings coming out of her back. "This is our pet raptor called Violet," she pointed to the dinosaur she'd added.

"What's this?" Harvey asked, finger tapping on the drawing at the centre.

"That's our house. It says Paulsen Specter," she underlined the words with her fingers. "That's the door and that's the roof. Do you like it?"

"I love it," he smiled and Ella returned one. "Do you have that Disney magnet we bought the other day?" She nodded in response.

"Go grab it, we can put this on the fridge." The child let out something of a squeal in excitement as she slipped herself off of the stool, Harvey smirking at her character.

"I'll be off," Mel asserted having gathered her things.

"Thank you," Donna and Harvey responded in union, causing the nanny to smile before leaving.

"I never knew I'd give birth to such an artist. This is good," Donna stated, stood on the other side of the bar and spinning the drawing so it was the right way up for her to look at.

"She must get it from her dad," Harvey replied casually, taking his suit jacket off. Donna promptly lifted her head to look at him, watching as he hung it over a stool, swallowing the rising nausea.

"Got it!" Ella yelled out as she re-entered, grasping the fridge magnet in her hand and walking towards the container. Donna passed the piece of paper to the child, who put it against the fridge accompanied by the magnet. "Please can you move it up?"

"There?" Donna asked after gliding it upwards.

"Maybe a little to the left," Ella pondered aloud, her mother following the instruction. "Perfect!" She grinned.

"Alright Picasso, shall we go run your bath?"

X

She found herself back on the couch. Her body weighed down by the invisible force, confronted by nothing but a darkness that loomed over her. The sudden feeling of skin close to but not quite touching hers, breath attacking her neck and cheeks. The smell of vomit overwhelmed her but she remained stuck, unable to escape the sheer horror in which she found herself.

Harvey was awoken by a sudden thrash to his ribs. Turning to his left, he could see her struggling against the air. Eyes still tightly shut, her lips moving ever so slightly but no coherent sounds came out, a couple of quiet moans was all.

It wasn't the first nightmare and he wasn't going to wake her if it settled. So, he propped himself up on his elbows and continued to face her but, after only a couple more moments, the thrashing grew in intensity. Moans, whimpers, small cries escaped her lips as she desperately pushed at nothing. At which point he couldn't help himself but intervene, unable to watch it unfold.

She felt a hand on her arm and she rapidly pushed it off, only for it to return. She couldn't see him, he was gone, but she could feel him. Her desperation continued to grow, overtaking her, feeding into her fear and panic. His presence only increased. She felt a stroke to her head, the firm - though not tough - grip to her upper arms inciting greater anxiety.

Hearing the muttering of her name brought her closer to consciousness and, when she could feel her hand brush against the skin of another, she pushed with all her might, jolting upright in the process.

"Get off me!" She cried out, pushing against the figure and hitting against the clothed chest in front of her - actions which did nothing to stop his returning grip.

He called out her name; once, twice, a third time. He held onto her, determined not to let her go, wanting so badly to wake her fully. Her eyes were wide open but she wasn't there, not with him, not awake. She cried out a no, and a stop, and a get out, which he wouldn't do. Fuelling not only her fear but his, having to watch as the night terrors increased in severity while he remained helpless.

"Donna, it's me, it's Harvey!" He gave her a slight and gentle shake as he yelled the words and the thrashing ceased, her hands resting on his chest. Her eyes met his in the darkness, filled with terror and fear that did nothing to ease his concern.

He leant around her, switching on the lamp next to her to illuminate the room in the hopes of alleviating her fears. The low light confirming she was safe, in his home, in his protection.

She dropped her eyes from those of the man sat in front of her, her body aching and a slight tremble appearing in her hands as she let them drop from their spot on his body. He moved the strap of her satin night gown from her upper arm back to her right shoulder, his fingers creating a path down her arm to her hand, clasping it in his and gently stroking her knuckles with his thumb.

The room was silent aside from her rapid breaths and when he brushed his left thumb across her forehead, his fingers tracing her hair, the cool touch was relaxing against her warm, damp skin.

"It's okay," he whispered as his arm found its way around her shoulders. He pulled her towards him, her body complying to his touch, sinking into his chest as his arms encompassed her; one was holding her shoulders against him, fingers delicately brushing against her bare skin, while the other held her head, fingers skimming through her hair.

She was breathless, gasping for air. A loud gasp that sounded almost like a guttural sob escaped her; except she wasn't sobbing. She was too exhausted. She had felt the tears accumulating behind her eyes and could feel their slow release but she couldn't let go of the burden within her mind for the lethargy that had overtaken her was too strong.

"Mommy?" It came from a small voice belonging to a small person who was stood in the doorway, hugging a bunny rabbit teddy against her chest. Her eyes were wide and glistening, her bottom lip beginning to quiver, her mouth an upside-down crescent.

Donna retracted from Harvey's arms, his hand slipping to her upper back, not wanting to break contact. She swiped her hand across each cheek, brushing the tears before forcing a small smile with all her might.

"What's wrong?" Ella asked, her voice heavy with sadness.

Donna tried to reply, to say she was fine, to take Ella back to bed, only she couldn't. It was beyond her, a task that was suddenly impossible, her body so filled with weariness. Harvey noticed her mouth open but fail to make a sound, ever so slightly brushing his fingers against her back.

"Your mom's okay, just tired. Shall we get you back to bed?" The girl nodded at his offer and stood waiting for him as he climbed off of his bed, staring at her mother who now held her face in her hands. "C'mon," he whispered, gently placing a hand on the top of her head.

The child climbed back into bed, Harvey pulling the covers over her body, tucking her in before perching on the edge of the bed.

"She's not." Ella said quietly, looking up at him.

"Hm?" His brows knitted together in confusion.

"You said mom's okay but she's not." She responded with a frown, fiddling with the floppy ear of her teddy.

"She is," Harvey tried to smile but Ella simply shook her head and twisted her pursed lips to the left.

"If she's okay then why was she screaming?" Her bottom lip was beginning to wobble once more, her vision blurred again. Harvey sighed and bit his lip, not sure how to answer when he didn't know for himself.

"She had a nightmare, that's all. If you can, try to stop worrying and go back to sleep." His voice was gentle and soft. "Do you want me to read you a book?"

"Yes please," Ella whispered.

When Harvey returned to the bedroom, the bed was empty. The faint sound of falling water caught his attention and, as he headed towards the en suite bathroom, he heard it shut off. He knocked on the door a few times, resting his hand on the handle.

"Don," his voice was loud enough she'd be able to hear but his softness quietened it. His attempts to conceal his concern failed and Donna could hear it more than she could hear her name. He was met by a silence, one that worried him and prompted him to open the door. "I'm coming in," he announced, but still she said nothing.

Upon opening the door, he found Donna stood with a towel wrapped around her, hands planted on the rim of the sink in front of which she stood, hair thrown up into a bun. Her head was tipped down, shoulders hunched, her breaths deep and slow.

"Hey," his hand against her neck, grazing down to her upper back, was an unexpected contact that sent a slight shiver down her spine. His cool hand colliding with her cool skin.

"I've never seen her look at me like that before," she muttered, head still hanging low. "She was terrified." It was barely audible but he heard it and she knew by the gentle movement of his hand to her shoulder, not leaving her skin.

"She's okay. She was worried about you, but she's okay." Harvey assured her, a prominent sincerity beginning to ease Donna's worries about Ella. "We read 'The Rainbow Fish' and she was spark out before I could finish," he smiled, dropping his hand from her shoulder.

She was sad at the loss of contact, desperate for his comfort and craving his affection, attention, protection. She latched her bottom teeth onto her upper lip, dragging against it.

"She heard, didn't she?" She knew the answer and didn't need to ask but she couldn't help herself. She was hurting anyway; a confirmation wouldn't make it any worse. Overcome with that time old human mechanism of looking for pain when you're already hurting.

"She did." He wasn't going to lie. He knew full well that she already knew, she just needed to hear it from somebody else. "Let's go back to bed," he suggested and placed his hand on top of hers. She looked up to him at last, giving him a small and unconvincing smile. He gave a gentle squeeze, an 'it will be okay' squeeze, as their eyes locked. Fear, anxiety and concern crashing like waves of two different seas in between them, only held down by the intensity of their love.

X

When morning rolled around, no one felt rejuvenated enough. Donna and Harvey immensely struggled to fall back to sleep and, just as they were drifting off at around 5am, Ella crawled into bed beside her mother, waking them both.

Donna and Harvey trudged into work, their brains dependent on caffeine in order to function even in the slightest. The only thing getting them through the day was the knowledge they were leaving the office before six so the three of them could go out for dinner with Lily.

When the time rolled around, both their energies came solely from coffee and calories. Returning to Harvey's apartment, Donna hurriedly ushered Ella into her room to grab her outfit out of the closet before rushing to get changed herself; Ella wearing a short-sleeved, burgundy dress while Donna's was sleeveless, black and figure hugging.

"We just about have time to do your reading, come on," Donna gestured Ella to sit with her on the couch as she pulled the slim book out of the woodland creatures themed backpack: mini hedgehogs, bumblebees, ladybugs and foxes scattered the cream bag.

Ella sunk into the couch, sat next to her mother whose arm snaked around her to hold her close. Harvey watched the two as he sifted through a file while sat opposite them. He was in awe of Donna every time he watched her interact with the little girl, consistently dumbfounded as to why she so vehemently asserted herself as the worst person to raise the child.

There was a knock on the door just as Ella finished the last page and Harvey headed to open it. He greeted his mother with a hug before she fully entered his apartment, him closing the door behind her. In her right hand was a yellow and white striped gift bag.

Donna stood up, Ella following her lead, before walking to greet the infamous woman at long last.

"Donna," Lily spoke her name with a warm smile. It was fully loaded, knowing she owed her relationship with her son to the woman stood ahead of her. She took the redheads hands in her own, the gift bag slipping to her wrist, before continuing. "I'm so pleased to finally meet you. I really do mean that," she remained smiling, Donna too as she gave a slight nod.

"I'm so pleased to finally be meeting you too," she beamed. It was true. She'd heard so much about Lily and, even if she had caused Harvey some pain, her growing relationship with her son made Donna's heart swell.

"Thank you." To others, the gratitude could have seemed confusing, yet both Donna and Lily knew the older woman's meaning ran deep. It wasn't about Donna's reply, not in the slightest, but about Harvey. The redhead knew that. Lily knew that she knew it; the look in her eye and the smile on her face, she'd truly understood that meaning.

"And you must be Ella," Lily grinned as she lowered herself to the child's level. "How old are you?"

"Six," Ella replied quietly, Donna's hand on the back of her head as her fingers teased the red locks.

"Six? Oh my god! You're such a big girl!" Lily exclaimed excitedly, prompting a cheerful smile to form on the child's face. "I hear that you like dinosaurs," Lily begun.

"Yeah," Ella spoke through her smile. "I have a raptor."

"A raptor?" The older lady said in amazement and the girl responded with a wide-eyed smile and nod of her head. "You know, I found a dinosaur the other day and I thought, just who could I give this to? Seems like you're the perfect person to take care of her," Lily widened the distance between her hands, opening the gift bag for Ella to look inside.

She took the box from the bag with both hands, and, when she lifted it out, her face lit up as bright as the city skyline.

"A t-rex!" She beamed in excitement, thrilled by the gift.

"What do you say?" Donna said, continuing to twiddle with the loose curls at the back of Ella's head.

"Thank you!" Her eyes didn't move from the gift as she stared through the clear plastic front of the box at her new toy.

"You didn't have to get her that," Donna said, slightly taken aback by the gift. The gift which she'd figured out the moment she saw the bag. Lily simply gave her a look that said she'd wanted to, both Harvey's and Donna's hearts warming.

"Why don't you go show my mom your room?" He suggested, proud of his decorating skills and eager to let everyone know.

The couple watched as Ella led Lily to her bedroom before turning to one another.

"You should've told her not to get her anything," Donna asserted and Harvey tilted his head ever so slightly.

"She was determined to get her a present, why not let it be something Ella likes?" He reasoned, though the moment was just as much for him to enjoy as the child.

"She'll end up a spoilt brat if everyone's always buying her things." Donna stated adamantly but not seriously, stubborn in her parenting. She wasn't wrong, they both knew that, but Harvey didn't care. He liked buying things for her, surprising her, watching her face light up in absolute glee and sometimes accompanied by slightly overdramatic reactions.

"Are you okay?" He asked having waited all day to find an opportunity.

"I'm fine Harvey," she replied quickly. A light-hearted tone and a warm smile alongside the words, though doing nothing to make either believe it. He gave her a questioning look, his raised brows knitting together and lips pursed. "I am," she reasserted, still not convincing herself or her lover.

Harvey nodded, smiling at her as he guided a stray hair back to the silky locks that fell down her chest.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"It's just a hair."

"No, it's not," it was so much more than a hair. Her right hand landed on his chest as she gazed into his deep brown eyes. Their breaths mingling in the small space between them, eyes falling on one another's lips.

"You did a good job in there Harvey," Lily declared as she re-entered the room. Harvey and Donna separated, both turning their eyes to his mother.

"I know," he said cockily, a shit eating grin spreading across his face. "Hey art teacher, take a look at this masterpiece she drew me yesterday," he walked towards the fridge and tapped against the drawing. Lily headed over to get a closer look and Ella made her way towards her mother, pulling Donna's hand over her shoulder as she stood in front of her, the COO's other hand brushing through the girl's curls.

"Wow, Ella!" Lily grinned over to her.

"We should get going," Donna smiled, acutely aware of their dinner reservation and her own ravishing hunger.

They arrived at the restaurant – an Italian a little further from them than the offices – and quickly settled into comfortable conversation. It was second nature for them. Exchanging stories, Lily talking about Harvey as a child, Donna finding similar stories about Ella to share.

"Mommy, I need to go to the bathroom," Ella dropped her fork into her pasta before biting her lip and leaning forward slightly.

"Let's go then," Donna replied. Standing from her seat, she guided Ella away, following the signs to the women's room.

"My god, that woman is something special." Lily smiled at her son, completely taken aback by the redhead. Astonished by her presence as most people were, drawn into her loving energy and completely understanding why Harvey loved her.

"She really is," Harvey replied. He smiled too, knowing precisely how lucky he was.

"She'd make a great daughter-in-law," his mother stated with a knowing look. "Oh, and that little girl, she's a dream."

"I know, she amazes me." He admitted, bringing his glass to his lips, taking a small sip. "She's so creative with this brilliant imagination. She's learning all these facts about different dinosaurs and inventing new ones by mixing all their features together. Although, one did have fairy wings that sprouted from its back." He chuckled as he told the story, a look in his eye that didn't go unnoticed by Lily. She'd place it as pride and total adoration, something she frankly hadn't expected to see.

"She showed me her bunny teddy when we were in her room, told me that it helped her sleep after Donna's nightmare last night." Lily's soft voice caught Harvey's attention. "Said she was screaming, crying, hitting you."

"She didn't tell me she'd seen that," Harvey muttered solemnly.

"Is everything okay?" Lily asked, the concern for all three of them very prominent.

"She's having nightmares and night terrors…" He trailed off, he couldn't help it, he was barely coping with it himself. Not that Donna knew, or at least he didn't think she knew – she was Donna, after all. "She'll be okay."

"Do you know why?" She asked, wetting her lips. He shook his head and glanced down, pursing his mouth. "Harvey, I know I'm not the best person to give out relationship advice… but if there's one thing I've learned since being with Bobby, it's that communication is a pillar. I've never had such a long-lasting, uncomplicated relationship and I've also never had one that's been so open and honest."

Harvey listened to her, taking in the words as they brought his harsh reality home. He knew he had to confront Donna, question her about what was causing her so much pain, but he knew her and he knew himself. These sorts of questions were bound to lead to more hurt. Yet he knew that they had to be asked. None of them could continue on the path they were headed down; Donna self-destructing, Harvey exhausting himself with concern and Ella suffering the consequences of it all.

"Yeah, well," his tone quickly becoming unsavoury as he grew tired of the topic. "That's for us to deal with and I'm not having this conversation with you." Harsher than he'd intended but he wasn't regretful of his honesty.

X

They'd parted ways at the restaurant after their meal, Lily leaving for her hotel as they headed back to his condo. Ella hadn't lasted the car ride home, falling asleep as she sat in the back of Harvey's sports car. He carried her up to his apartment, Donna opening the front door for them before they made a beeline for the girl's bedroom.

Donna pulled back the sheets as Harvey laid Ella down on the mattress. He removed her socks and shoes as Donna removed her dress to replace it with a nightie, the child so exhausted that the movements had no chance of waking her.

Donna gently closed the door when they left the room, a loaded sigh accompanied by a slow blink came as a consequence of her tiredness. She looked up to Harvey, his eyes so fixated on hers she felt as though he was reaching into her soul, breaking it open and reading every word.

"What?" A small voice of deep inquisition posed, trying to read him but clouded by something she couldn't quite place.

"What's wrong?" His own voice was filled with care, compassion. He meant it, he was serious, he wasn't about to let it go unanswered.

"Nothing." She knew her assertion would fall on deaf ears, not that it would stop her.

"No, it's not nothing." He was calm, concerned, a ready listener.

"It is." She was moving away then, entering the bedroom. He followed, of course.

"People don't have night terrors over nothing." He wasn't expecting an open, welcoming response – thankfully, he'd have been deeply disappointed had that been the case. His words were met by a loud sigh, almost a groan, Donna simultaneously opening the wardrobe.

"What was that for?"

"What do you think?" Her passive aggressive tone was mirrored by her hefty slam of the door ahead of her. "Perhaps I don't like the interrogation. Perhaps I'm tired. Perhaps I don't want you to wake up my daughter." She held her navy satin pyjamas tightly within her grip.

"If anything was going to wake her it would be you slamming doors." He didn't mean to clip his words in the way he did, didn't mean to sound so aggressive.

"What are you trying to say, Harvey?" Her tone was equally as cold as his and she watched him slide the bedroom doors until almost shut.

"Nothing." His voice softened, turning to look at her with a pained expression. "I'm worried about you, Donna. Hell, I'm scared. I've never seen you like this."

"Well don't be." She turned, walking to the bathroom, his mouth falling slightly open. He wasn't surprised but he didn't expect _that_.

"How do I do that?" He sounded curious. To her, he was being an asshole. To him, he was perplexed by her outlandish suggestion.

"I don't know, Harvey. I thought you had the answers to everything." Her eyes were wide as she gritted her teeth. He shook his head, looking away from her temporarily so he could gather his thoughts, find the words, prevent himself from becoming angry with her unwillingness to let him in.

"I just want to help you. Why won't you let me?"

She didn't answer. She couldn't. What would she say? So, she shot him a brief smile with sad eyes before entering the bathroom. Equally wanting to let it all out and keep it all in, locked away from the world.

He exhaled an unsteady breath, slowly inhaling before exhaling again. Regaining control of the impossible situation. She wasn't angry, she was hurting. He could see it in her eyes but he couldn't stop it; how could he help someone so adamant to keep a wall between them?


	11. Chapter 11

**TRIGGER WARNING - references to sexual assault.**

* * *

For the most part, it had been a nightmare free night. This didn't aid Donna – nor Harvey – in getting a good night's sleep, though. He was caught up in their argument, which she too was trapped in, alongside the subtle reminders of Luke that lay around every corner and seemed to have done since they saw him at the gala.

For the most part meaning until she gasped for air at 6am, eyes shooting open before slowly blinking and steadying her breath. She turned her head, searching for his comfort beside her, but he wasn't there – presumably out for a run. She could hear sounds coming from the living space, seeping through the gap in the bedroom doors.

She pushed her tired self out of bed, padding out of the room to find Ella sat on the couch. She had already got dressed and was watching cartoons. Donna approached, a tired smile on her face as she made eye contact with the child.

"How long have you been up?" She tucked the girl's hair behind her ear.

"For a bit," she replied. "Harvey went for a run."

"I thought he might have. I'm going to get dressed," her fingers trailing through the ends of Ella's hair, who nodded.

Donna chose a white knee-length dress with a high neckline, cap-sleeves and an asymmetric peplum. She applied her makeup with the main aim of looking more alive, hiding her exhaustion. Harvey returned at some point, showering before making coffees and breakfast, Donna finding him amusing her daughter who was sat on a stool at the breakfast counter.

"Hey," she said softly, the first word spoken since their recent falling out.

"Hey," he returned in a matching tone. "Can I turn over the TV for a minute?" His attention turned to the child who sighed and rolled her eyes. He took it as an agreement, expecting more protest if it wasn't. He flicked across to a news channel before proceeding to pass Donna her coffee.

"Manhattan attorney Luke Manning has been arrested and charged for six sexual harassment claims and four sexual assault claims; we can report."

The declaration caught the immediate attention of both adults, Ella nonchalantly eating her cereal with her back to it.

"Thank god," Harvey mumbled, slowly lowering his coffee.

"The forty-seven-year-old was granted bail by a New York judge and has been suspended from his senior partnership position at Bratton Gould law firm."

"Bail? Are you shitting me?" He blurted it out quickly, both shocked and disgusted by the unnamed judge's decision.

"That's a swearword!" Ella exclaimed, furrowing her brow as she told him off.

"Oh, damnit," Donna spat when coffee slopped out of her mug onto the counter. She placed her mug down, relieving her shaky hand, reaching for kitchen towel to mop it up. She was flustered, moving quickly and clumsily, the eyes of her boyfriend and daughter watching her abrupt change in nature.

"You okay?" Harvey asked worriedly, concern seeping through his expression as he watched Donna crumble in a way he'd never seen before.

"Yeah, just tired," she smiled as she looked up.

X

"Oh good, you're here." Alex stated as he marched into Harvey's office, closing the door behind him before clasping his hands together as he prepared to speak.

"What is it, Alex?" Harvey asked as he glanced up from his laptop.

"Luke Manning wants us to represent him." Alex blurted out; the fact having weighed on his mind all night.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Harvey retorted and Alex cocked a brow, lips pursed, eyes saying he wished he was as he sat in the chair opposite Harvey.

"He called late last night, wants us to have dinner this evening." Alex went on to reveal, his friend expelling a sigh.

"No." Harvey said adamantly, clenching his jaw.

"I think we ought to hear him out even if we don't believe a word he says," Alex confessed and he knew he'd caught Harvey's attention. "We've both worked with the guy," he continued and he watched as Harvey drew a deep breath, tapping on the edge of his desk.

"Fine, I'll go. I'm still not representing him," he replied after a small pause and Alex nodded.

X

_She inhaled a deep breath, gently closing her eyes as she did before a slow exhale through her mouth. Her eyes flickered open to return to her computer screen as she sat with her hands resting on the keyboard. His name was right there, staring back at her, preventing her from typing a word as the feeling of his breath on her neck continued to resurface. _

_It was uncomfortable, being around people. Everyone was continuing with the everyday bustle of office life. The sounds of conversations and endless chatting echoed through her ears as she made every attempt to focus her attention on the stack of work required of her. Though, despite her best efforts, the sounds of typing, phones ringing and hurried footsteps continued to add to her stress. _

_Donna found herself grabbing a file from her desk and heading for the file room, hoping to find an empty copier where she could gather her thoughts and calm herself down. _

_She fingered the corner of the paper as she walked, looking down at it to avoid getting stuck in a conversation or engagement with one of her colleagues. _

_It was a bad decision, as she discovered when she collided with one of the associates in the corridor. His built physique jolting her back ever so slightly before she found herself overwhelmed by that familiar smell, one that had previously meant so little but now sent her spiralling. _

"_Sorry," the guy muttered before scurrying away. Any other day, Donna would've bitten his head off just to mess with him, but she couldn't find it in her to do so. Instead, she found her path changing, less bothered about finding a copier._

_She hurried inside the grey room, quickly glancing around and finding herself relieved at the empty cubicles. She rushed into one, dropping the file to the floor and scooping her hair back as she dry-heaved. The smell made her stomach churn. It wasn't unpleasant in itself, but she could feel everything happening all over again when it seeped through her senses. _

_When she heard the door swing open and footsteps emerge, she flushed the toilet, tucked the file beneath her arm and crept out of the cubicle. _

_Her eyes met Rachel's, who looked at her in alarm. The redhead smiled at her before proceeding to the sink, conscious of her friend's gaze. _

"_What is it?" Donna asked, trying to sound energised. _

"_Are you okay?" Rachel asked with a soft voice, watching the secretary scrub at her pale hands._

"_Fine, Rach," she replied quickly, desperate to escape. _

"_I saw you walk straight into an associate just now, that's not like you." Rachel pushed and Donna shut off the tap, reaching for a paper towel to wipe her hands dry._

"_I had a heavy night last night," she blurted out, the lie being the only one she could think up._

"_A hot date?" Rachel queried with bright eyes and an eager smile, the change distracting Donna from the words that – unintentionally – hurt her._

"_Something like that," she muttered in response and gave a small smile to her friend, who grinned before heading into a cubicle. _

X

"Samantha, hey," Donna smiled as she entered the blonde's office. The name partner looked up in slight surprise upon hearing her.

"Donna, what can I do for you?" She asked with wide, inquisitive eyes.

"I realised that I never thanked you," the redhead admitted with her brows slightly raised. The blonde returned a look of confusion, furrowing her brows as she watched her friend plant her hands on the back of the seat ahead of her. "For telling Harvey about Ella," Donna continued and Samantha sat back in her chair looking dazzled.

"Last time I checked, that wasn't something you wanted to thank me for." She chuckled and a grin escaped Donna's lips.

"I know and, ideally, I would've liked to tell him myself." She paused for a moment, taking a breath of defeat, "but I'm glad you did it. Imagine if my mom had shown up with her and he hadn't known."

"Well, you're welcome, even if I don't deserve an apology," Samantha replied warmly. Her eyes were suddenly averted, focussing on the figure of a slightly younger woman in the door.

"Monique," Samantha said upon spotting her.

"I don't want to interrupt," the dark-haired woman replied.

"You're not. Do you need help with something?" Samantha continued.

"No, I just wanted to thank you for believing me." Monique told her with a soft expression, adjusting the bag over her shoulder.

"Monique, this is Donna Paulsen our COO. Donna, this is Monique Daye, the plaintiff who spoke up about Luke Manning," Samantha revealed as she introduced the pair. Donna felt her blood run cold and her left eye begin to twitch as she forced a smile, extending her hand to greet her.

"Going to the police with the others was the best thing we could've done, thank you," Monique continued to say to Samantha. Donna couldn't think straight, the name catching her off guard for the second time that day, shiver crawling up her spine once more.

"I'll leave you two to talk," she found herself saying, turning to leave Samantha's office.

"Donna," the blonde said, stopping the COO in her tracks and causing her to turn slightly. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just tired," she breathed before continuing to leave.

X

Harvey entered his apartment with a tenseness brought on by his upcoming dinner with Luke. He wasn't entirely sure he'd even make it through the whole dinner, expecting he'd be desperate to leave once getting there. He wasn't the guy's biggest fan after their plan to scratch each other's backs hadn't worked out and to find out he'd been assaulting women was enough to turn Harvey off of him for a lifetime.

To think he owed it to him to listen seemed more ridiculous to Harvey the more he though about it. At first, it was easy to accept, but as they day went on, he decided that he didn't owe Luke Manning even a second of his time. The agitation making him all the more tense, feeding into his annoyance and his dislike of Manning.

Yet, there she was; his constant. Sat on the couch with a glass of wine in one hand and a book in the other, one leg tucked up on the couch, fiery locks scraped back into a high ponytail and he saw her look up at him while her manicured nails fingered the book's corner. She gave him that smile, the one he fell in love with all those years ago.

"Hey," he said softly as he got closer.

"Hey," she returned in a matching tone. "You look beat," she said with a calm yet caring voice.

"You don't look very energetic yourself," he retorted and she sniggered, closing her book and placing it on the coffee table ahead of her alongside her near empty glass. "Is Ella asleep?" He asked, knowing it was past her bedtime but wanting to know nonetheless. God, he had such a soft spot for that kid.

"Went out like a light about forty-five minutes ago," Donna smiled and he nodded. "What do you want to do about dinner?" She asked next.

"I'm going out soon, I just stopped by to make sure my girls were okay." He said casually, sitting in the arm chair diagonal from her. Donna smiled, inside and out, at his words. They were 'his' girls, both of them. She hadn't heard him say that before, the joy forming a fuzzy feeling.

"Out?" She queried as she tucked her other leg beneath her.

"Yeah, Alex roped me into a dinner with Manning." Harvey said bluntly, not thrilled by the fact.

The redhead felt her breath catch, tears beginning to prick her eyes as she heard his name for a third time that day. She couldn't escape him, no matter how hard she tried, and in a way, she always knew this was coming – he would always resurface.

"He wants us to be his counsel, can you fucking believe that?" He all but spat.

"Then don't go," she replied instantaneously.

"Donna," he begun but she was quick to cut him off.

"If you don't want to be his counsel then don't go," she suggested insistently, eyes widening as she felt her blood pressure begin to rise.

"I'm already roped into it," Harvey complained with a scratch of his jaw. They sat in silence for a moment or two, Harvey pondering the dinner once more. He gnawed on his bottom lip as he tried to think up various escape plans so he could leave early.

"Please don't go."

Her voice was quiet and wavering, slightly raspy too, catching his attention immediately. He looked at her, eyes glimmering in the low lighting and a look he couldn't place bracing her face.

"Please, Harvey. Don't go." She could feel her left eye twitch slightly, swallowing the rising lump in her throat before she wet her lips.

"Donna, I have to," he said softly, taken aback by her emotions.

"No, you don't." Her bottom lip was starting to quiver so she found herself pursing them, desperate to hold it together. It was Harvey, he was everything, but that didn't make talking easy. She couldn't do it at the best of times, a block coming her way even if she did want to, forcing the potential words back down her throat, so this time was no different.

He didn't say anything, instead he pushed himself out of his seat and took a few steps away from her.

"Harvey, please, you can't." She was begging and she hated it, but what else could she do?

"It's business, Donna!" He turned on his reply, tiring of the disagreement. "You think I want to sit and have dinner with him? I don't! This is an obligation."

"You can't! He's," she began a sentence but found herself unable to complete it, the block coming once more, accompanied by a nausea.

"What? A slimy piece of shit, you think I don't know that?" Their voices weren't lowering, tension circulating the room as both their heart rates increased.

"Just stay here," she pleaded. She too rose from her seat now, wide eyes and gaping mouth.

"Is it do as you say or else now?" He retorted in frustration, a climax of bubbling agitation and discontent.

"No, that's not it at all!" She bit back.

"Then why? Why are you so fucking adamant?" He pressed, taking a step closer as he questioned it.

"Harv-"

"Why, Donna? Why?" He interrogated, both of their hearts echoing in their own ears at exceptional rates as he began to shout, neither enjoying it but neither willing to back down. He needed more while she needed him to stay. "Why? Why?"

"Because he did it to me too!"

And it was out. She couldn't put it back, no matter how much she wanted to and she felt this overwhelming nausea and dull ache take over her body, all over her. Her vision was blurred and her eyes stung from the combination of salt and mascara.

He found himself rooted to the spot; mouth dropped open as he tried to process what this meant. He was looking at her but he wasn't really, his mind on the possibilities that came with her declaration. When he found his eyes beginning to focus on her, he saw her back turned, hand planted on the arm of the couch to her right as she looked down.

"Donna," he mumbled, loudly enough that she could hear even though she didn't respond to him. She moved round slightly, beginning a slow move around the arm of the couch, hand trailing it as she steadied herself. He wet his lips and gasped for a breath.

"Donna, what did he do?" He asked but it wasn't like his previous questions. His voice was soft, quiet, almost timid.

"Nothing," she breathed out at barely above a whisper, leaning on the couch as she reached the back of it, hand planted firmly against it. She felt as though the rug had been pulled from under her but of her own making, like she'd pressed the red button on the ticking time bomb.

"Donna," he muttered again but to no success. "Donna, please, look at me."

"Go for your meal," she whispered as she watched her fingers grip the couch. Her other hand found its way there, desperately steadying herself when she felt her entire being begin to crumble.

He finally found it in him to move, taking slow steps closer to her, desperate for answers, to break the distance.

"Just go," she said with her voice cracking, sharply inhaling as she tried to hold herself up.

It was his hand on her shoulder that nearly pushed her over the edge. His warm touch against her skin, the comfort of him.

"Don't," she whispered as she felt a single tear slip down her cheek. The salt collided with her lips, its taste seeping into her mouth and she shut her eyes.

"Hey," he whispered as he tried swallowing his own lump. He brushed his hand from her shoulder to her back, fingers trailing from freckle to freckle, over the straps of her tank top to her other shoulder. "Hey," he whispered once more, bodies touching, arm wrapped around her.

"Harvey," she breathed out with a struggle, another splash of savoury taste against her lips despite her best efforts to contain it.

"What did he do?"

"He," she began to speak, felt the 'r' sound begin to form but the rest of the word was stuck, leaving her stammering. "He r," she begun once more, still struggling, feeling as though she needed to gasp for air.

He gently pulled against her – not enough to move her, just enough for her to notice – and she found herself falling into him before her knees could give way beneath her. Her arms wrapping around his back and up to his shoulders, gripping on as though she'd float away should she let go. She needed him.

She might not have said it but he knew. When he heard her stumbling over the sounds of words he feared to hear, he knew, and it angered him, hurt him. It hurt him that someone could hurt her, could try to break her.

He held her tight, needing the comfort too. Not as much as she did, nor in the same way, but needing her nonetheless. He was desperately trying not to fall apart himself, to hold himself together for her.

But she couldn't do it. She couldn't hold it together no matter how much she wanted to and, when they both felt her knees begin to weaken, he refused to let her fall. Holding her, letting his knees bend too, controlling her fall.

She felt close to retching, overcome by the overwhelming cocktail of emotions that left her with nothing but sobs that ranged from soft to near guttural. Her body aching as though she'd been heaving on all fours, leaning into him as he continued to hold her, shirt growing wetter and the reminder of the pain she'd harboured all those years. She couldn't control it in spite of all her might; once the floodgates were open, there was no way for her to close them again.

When the tears subsided after a while, neither moved. Donna was overcome by exhaustion, her emotional outpour leaving her feeling completely drained and left with nothing but the puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks to prove it.

"I'm gonna kill him." Harvey muttered the words quietly but aggressively, an anger roaring within that fuelled the hurt of what had happened. A cocktail of emotions bubbling within him, too, that he was sure to ignore in that moment.

"Please, don't," she breathed out in a raspy voice, resting her head into his chest with heavy eyes.

The silence that filled the room was interrupted by the clicking of a door which slowly creeped open not far from where they sat. It only opened a small way, but that was enough for her to see the pair on the floor, chewing on her lip as she tightly hugged a bunny teddy.

Harvey beckoned her over with a slight flick of his head and gesturing with his hand, arm open for her to slot it.

Ella hurried over at his signal, seeking comfort in the loving arms of the adults who cared for her. Slipping beside her mother, foreheads touching as she found herself snuggled against Harvey. Her mother's arm snaked up her back, holding her close, that all-encompassing love fuelling her desperation to seek closeness to the child.

It didn't take long for Ella to drift into unconsciousness again. They didn't move her at first, letting her lay against them on the floor – not exactly where either of them had intended to end their day.

"You okay if," he whispered but needn't finish his question when he felt Donna nod against him. Still knowing, still Donna – which, of course she was, but it was a nice reminder. She shifted, stopping leaning against him as he moved his other arm to scoop up the child.

She watched as he stood with her in his arms, walking to her room.

She felt the nausea reappear and realised that even she couldn't wrap her head around feeling so many emotions at once, even she couldn't control that many at the same time. The embarrassment of her breakdown, though deep down she knew she'd nothing to be embarrassed about. The pain that came thinking about it, any time it crept into her mind. The shame of – in her mind – letting it happen. The anxiety of what Harvey would do or say next, over the uncertainties due to come.

Above all of that, she just felt tired. An exhaustion that overwhelmed her entire being and made moving seem an impossible feat. Then it hit her, that Harvey was supposed to be meeting him. The thought had escaped her before, only now returning as her mind felt less clouded.

She looked up to him as he emerged and he gave her a meagre smile, neither really knowing what to do next or where to go from here.

"I'm sorry," she found herself muttering with tired eyes and a voice drenched in guilt, disappointment.

"No, Donna, you have nothing to be sorry for." Harvey responded quickly, extending his hands so she could use him to pull herself up, slowly rising from the floor. He gently stroked his thumb against her cheek as she stood with closed eyes until her lids fluttered open.

"If you're not going then," she was going to say he should let Alex know but he cut her off before she could finish her sentence.

"Of course, I'm not going, there's no 'if' about it." He assured her as he rested a hand on each shoulder, gazing into her hazel eyes, eyes that harboured so much pain. Pain she'd buried for so long that he couldn't help feel responsible, a thought which he knew to be completely illogical and nonsensical but couldn't bat away.

"I need a drink," she mumbled as she escaped his grasp, returning to the coffee table to gulp down her wine before pouring herself another. She poured him one, too, in the empty glass she'd gotten out before he'd returned home, handing it to him with a slightly unsteady hand.

"I'm sorry, Don," he said as he slumped down into the couch. He looked up at her, a horrified expression on her face.

"Don't be," she replied with a subtle shake of her head before she too sat down, returning to the spot on the couch she'd previously sat in. She let out a loaded sigh before wetting her lips with her tongue. There was a brief silence as the couple sat, trying to process the endless thoughts swirling around their brains.

"It was my fault," she all but whispered before sipping her drink.

"No, it wasn't," he blurted in an instant, breathing hitched.

"It was," Donna insisted with a shaky voice, eyes watering once again as she twisted her mouth.

"That's not even possible." His persistence was a slight comfort to her but did nothing to lessen the burden.

"I was at his home. I let him kiss me and then when he wouldn't stop, I just froze." She stumbled on her words, breathing unsteadily and choking on her own voice.

"That doesn't mean it's your fault," he breathed out, his own eyes beginning to swell.

"I didn't do anything. I said I didn't want it but then I was just," she took a much-needed breath, "frozen."

"Come here," Harvey said as he placed down his glass, arm open as she shuffled towards him. She found comfort in his embrace again, feeling safe in the home that was his arms. Surprised at herself for talking about it for the first time ever and, in spite of the shame and the overwhelming sadness, there was a glimmer of relief.

* * *

**Please do not victim blame as a response to this story. Freezing is a) a normal response and b) a very common response. Anyone who doesn't believe so can ask me for website links in order to educate themselves. Lots of ideas for stories bomb around in my brain and, when I decided to write this, I decided to write it in a way that could perhaps provide enlightenment on the topic for even one person, otherwise what's the point in committing to a story like this.**

**Sorry for the wait, I hope this chapter didn't disappoint. Feedback is always very much appreciated, especially for this story. Thank you for reading and for waiting. **

**\- Jess **


	12. Chapter 12

**Sorry it's been a while! So much more was going to be in this chapter but I decided it would be too long so am saving things for chapter 13 (and probably prolonging the story by one more chapter because of that). Thank you all so much for your reviews and responses to the last chapter - you are all such stars. **

**Shameless self plug but a couple of days ago, I uploaded a oneshot called 'All That Jazz' which I'm really quite proud of so would be chuffed if you could give that pre-canon AU a read! **

**I'm feeling pretty sentimental (probably because the show has ended) and I want to say the biggest thank you to everyone who's given this a go. There's a few more chapters to go but I can't believe you're here reading this. It truly astonishes me and I'm so so grateful to you all. **

**Thank you massively to Jess (darveymylove) for beta-reading for me and constantly giving me a kick up the ass to write! **

**\- Jess**

* * *

_She rubbed the top of her neck with her right hand as her mother placed a decaf, vanilla coffee on a blue coaster in front of her. The older woman sat opposite her at the dining table, grasping her own steaming coffee._

"_Thanks," Donna muttered as she relieved her hand with a sigh. A black and white photo was on the table ahead of her, new and fresh, supposedly exciting though Donna couldn't quite latch onto that._

_Deborah had accompanied her daughter to the ultrasound appointment that morning, insisting she be there to see her grandchild in spite of Donna's protests. She wanted to face it alone but the older lady wasn't having it, certain the secretary was to be supported to no end – slightly suffocating at times but clearly well-intentioned._

"_The three of us could go to Paris together when she grows up," Deborah grinned as she slid the scan towards her. She was ecstatic. A grandson would've been amazing, providing another kind of delight for the soon-to-be grandmother, but she was hoping for a granddaughter. She'd raised her own little girl and been one of three sisters in her own home so, for Deborah, a little granddaughter running around was the dream. _

"_Yeah, maybe." Donna forced a small smile, trying her hardest to match her mother's mood. She wanted to look forward to meeting her baby, wanted to dream about the future and excitedly prepare but it seemed impossible. She instead found herself stuck in the past, struggling to focus on what was to come her way._

_She hadn't been enjoying her pregnancy. Her morning sickness rolled on past her first trimester, seeping into her 17__th__ week before ceasing. She was barely sleeping, unsure whether that was a result of the baby or what had happened (or both), which was making her more irritable and frustrated. Her sore breasts and dizziness were even more unbearable due to the exhaustion, combined with the bubbling sensation of its movements fuelling her annoyance. _

_That was part of the problem; she was struggling to view the baby as more than an it. That was frustrating her even more, making her feel useless and incapable, adding to her stress and making the whole experience all the more difficult. She wanted so badly to love it, to be excited like most other women but she found herself thinking about the child's father too much. His presence in her mind stealing her happiness. _

"_I wanted to get some potted plants this afternoon, fancy coming with me?" Deborah suggested, "we can grab lunch while we're out." She was clutching at straws, trying to find something for Donna to do, keep her sane. They both knew she was bored, itching to go back to work despite convincing herself that it was a bad idea. She tended to sit around all day, watching rubbish tv and reading books that barely grabbed her attention. _

_Donna thought on her mother's proposal for a moment, unsure as to whether she truly wanted to go. It sounded nice, getting out, having lunch somewhere, but something was niggling at her brain and not wanting her to go. As if everyone could see what had happened to her, like some scarlet letter brandished on her forehead – which she knew to be irrational and daft but couldn't completely bat away. _

"_Yeah, why not," she answered, deciding to go for it. Her mother gave a soft smile at the reply before sipping her coffee, pleased to be able to spend time with her daughter. She intended to consciously make the effort not to mention the baby that afternoon. She was puzzled as to Donna's withdrawal and lack of attention on the impending arrival, her inability to find the root of her daughter's feelings leading to incessant worry. _

_Deborah had been so certain that finding out what she was having would make Donna feel more excited and attached but her mood hadn't changed at all that day – if anything, she seemed more frustrated. This did nothing to ease the mother, watching her child become withdrawn, tense and afraid in a way that she'd never seen before. _

X

Neither Donna nor Harvey slept well that night, their minds plagued with bitter memories, thoughts and possibilities.

Donna found herself thinking about what more was to come as a reaction from her boyfriend. He wouldn't leave it like that, bury his unspoken words. He'd have questions, irrepressible frustrations. She wondered how he'd explain his absence to Alex, what the repercussions could be.

Harvey was stuck in a hole; thoughts stuck on the suffering and struggle she must've faced. He racked his brain, searching his memory bank to see if there were any signs he'd missed, anything he should've picked up on. He was drawing up blanks, though put that down to his own ignorance rather than an absence of change.

She might be Donna, an actress, skilled at pretending everything is fine, but he found it hard to believe anyone would be able to hide their reaction entirely. He wished he could've been there for her at the time, supporting her, holding her, helping her through it.

He wished it had never happened at all, naturally. Wishing he'd never gotten involved with Manning in the first place. For that, he blamed himself. He knew he couldn't have anticipated this, hours of rumination that night surrounding the very subject, he knew that realistically he couldn't have done a thing. Yet, he couldn't help but feel the burden, knowing he agreed to a working relationship with the man.

He questioned Manning's intentions, wondering whether he'd had his sights set on Donna when he proposed that the two lawyers help each other out from time to time. The relationship itself had failed when the blonde lawyer had failed to return contact with Harvey, another fact that the latter man found himself thinking about that night. Was it really Luke? Or did Donna intervene?

Harvey got less sleep than Donna, a change to the recent normal that he didn't at all mind. It was early in the morning when he woke from his short, shallow slumber and he gravitated to his laptop, leaving the comfort of his bed and her arms. He sat at his desk in the corner of the living area, opening the device and yawning as it loaded. He began to research, not knowing whether that would be a good or bad thing, anxious for information and advice.

What else was he supposed to do? It was a situation he'd never before found himself in and never wanted to. The more he read, the more he wanted to know. It wasn't an easy read but he wanted to know as much as he could, wanted to help her in as many ways as he could. That feeling of uselessness bubbling at the surface, not knowing that he could help at all – in spite of all his intentions.

His need for coffee overtook and he closed his laptop, pushing his chair back with a loaded sigh and standing. He ran a hand through his hair as he headed to his kitchen, grabbing the cafetière out of the cupboard and reaching for the coffee to fill it.

He was lost in his thoughts, still overwhelmed by the sadness that came with knowing the woman he loved had been hurt. So much so that he failed to notice her appear in the bedroom doorway, his eyes set on the coffee and mind wandering elsewhere.

She stared at him for a moment, studying his clenched jaw and furrowed brows, tensed shoulders as he leant against the counter. She felt a slight anxiety in the pit of her stomach, knowing that things would be addressed that she'd rather not talk about.

It was strange, the potion of feelings swimming around her brain. There was a relief that came with sharing the burden, a hope accompanying it. Yet, she felt tense. Someone knew, even if that was the person she trusted most, the idea of them thinking about it – about her – was unsettling for her.

She began to pad towards him, across the cool wooden floor that sent chills up her. It was early and she sought comfort in a chunky cardigan over one of Harvey's Harvard jerseys.

When she reached him, Donna cleared her throat, waking him from his daydream and catching his attention.

Harvey's eyes lifted, falling on the redhead stood opposite him, her hands planted on the counter. He gave her a soft smile, Donna glancing down briefly when he did.

"You gonna pour me one of those?" She eyed the mug in front of him, holding a light-hearted tone and pointing slightly. She couldn't place how she felt – something Donna was not used to – and it made her feel tense.

The sound of the liquid filling the mug filled the space between them, neither knowing what to say, how to move past the elephant in the room that was too painful and difficult to address. He slid the mug towards her, the sound echoing in the large open space. His fingers lingered on its edge even once she'd grasped it, his way of reaching out to her and forcing eye contact between them.

"It's not your fault," he said finally. He was plunging into icy water, out of his comfort zone and taking her with him, a cold, unfamiliar place that neither wanted to enter.

"That you hadn't poured me a coffee?" Donna replied after a momentary pause, cocking a brow and keeping a playful tone to lift the mood, avoiding the inevitable. A nausea rising as she knew she'd have to have this conversation.

Harvey tilted his head, serious expression and worried eyes.

"Freezing is normal," he continued to be met by hostility.

"Harvey, I don't want to talk about it." She warned with a pained expression, gripping her mug tightly and glancing away.

"It's not on you," Harvey reiterated, eliciting a sharp inhale of breath from his girlfriend.

"You don't understand," she breathed out, staring into the hot drink.

"I know but help me to," he pleaded. His hand reached hers, resting over it as it held her mug, her eyes returning to his when he did.

She was hurting, he could see it; falling into the sadness of her eyes.

"I can't." She whispered the words through shaky breaths.

Tired eyes opened with a yawn as the child pushed her sheets up to her chin, wriggling in her bed. She could hear muffled voices, her mother and Harvey awake and talking.

With a stretch, she shed her blankets before leaving the mattress, bare feet colliding with a butterfly themed rug. She reached for her fleece dressing gown, pulling it off the bedpost and slinging it over her shoulders. She crept across the floor, eager to listen to the conversation on the other side, pressing her ear up against it but the quiet voices were sometimes unclear. She'd heard sections, words and glimpses but her curiosity led her to want to hear more.

She pressed down on the handle, opening the door ever so slightly and ever so quietly. Fiery tresses peaking through the gap as she tried to listen.

"She's his, isn't she?" Harvey asked, already resigned to it after convincing himself through the sleepless night.

"She's mine," Donna replied quietly and firmly.

"Donna," he began only for her to look away with a sigh. "He's her dad, isn't he?" She closed her eyes at his words, knowing he wasn't going to let it slide, knowing that after what she told him yesterday, this was far less of a feat.

"Biologically, yeah, he's her father." She said it with a sigh, not looking at him, not able to. "He's not her dad, though." She followed up with, bringing her drink to her lips to hide her uncontainable frown.

Harvey nodded – he understood. He took a sip of his own coffee, a silence filling the air around them. He couldn't bare it, walking around the counter to join her.

"Come here," he said with enveloping arms, wrapping her up in his embrace, holding her tightly against him. Her fingers clutched his shoulders, inhaling his scent with her eyes closed as she leant into him. "I won't let him hurt you again, I promise."

Ella smiled, watching for a couple of seconds before hurrying over, wanting to be a part of it. She threw her arms around the two adults, eliciting small chuckles, Donna dropping a hand on the back of the child's head before they pulled away a few moments later.

"Are we still going to grandma and grandpa today?" She asked eagerly, Donna's fingers twiddling with her messy locks.

"Yeah," the redheaded woman smiled down at her, fingers twiddling with her messy locks.

X

"_How's your head?" She asked her daughter, passing a glass of water and painkiller to her. The younger woman just looked at her dead-eyed, telling Deborah all she needed to know. _

"_You should've woken me." Donna stated before popping the tablet in her mouth and sipping the water, swishing it momentarily around her dry mouth before swallowing. _

"_Ha! Like that would've gone well," her mother smirked, sitting in the armchair diagonal from her. She was met by a sigh, Donna running her hand up her face and into her hair, pushing through its tangled ends. _

"_I'm sorry, I let you down." Donna continued, unable to make eye contact as she drank more water. _

"_No, Donna, you didn't." She leant forward, hands clasped together and elbows resting on her lap, discomfort creeping in upon hearing the words._

"_I was supposed to look after her so you could have a nice night and I blew it." Donna muttered, chewing her lip while trying to supress her sadness. "I let her down," she continued with a pained expression, studying her chipped nail polish as she clutched the glass. _

_There was a silence that filled the room, neither knowing what next to say, tensions high as they sat apart. _

_The muffled wailing from the floor above interrupted, Donna looking up and to her mother. _

"_Your father can see to her," Deborah said softly, a kind smile gracing her lips._

"_No, he's still recovering. That's not fair," Donna replied, standing from her seat. The motion was too quick, a dizziness overcoming her in a dehydrated, hungry state, feeling forced to fall back into her seat. _

"_Donna, he's ok! He's been getting stronger for the last two months now and he knows how to soothe a 2-week-old baby. You stay there, I'll make you a coffee and some breakfast," her mother stood now, leaving the room and taking last night's empty wine bottle with her, Donna left sitting there with guilt burdening her shoulders._

_Her mother was giving her a sympathy she didn't feel she deserved, finding herself passed out on the couch twice in as many weeks, Ella left upstairs to fend for herself. It wasn't on purpose; she didn't mean to do it. It was one glass of wine to calm her down after hours of Ella crying, then another two hours spent trying to soothe her baby who was screaming in spite of all Donna's efforts. The sound made her feel physically sick, a pain developing inside and gripping her chest and stomach. _

_Nothing she did could calm the infant down, so she stopped trying and found herself crying alongside Ella as she sat downstairs and finished off the wine – accidentally. _

X

Harvey pulled up outside the Connecticut home. It was his first time at the property – it was homely, suited to a family, a warm feeling radiating from it. He glanced over at the flowers that decorated its porch, bright colours alongside the blue front door making the place feel welcoming and inviting.

They grabbed their bags and headed along the stone path to the front door, ringing the bell and waiting a couple of beats before Deborah opened the door.

"Grandma!" Ella yelled in excitement, throwing her arms around the woman's waist, her grandmother hugging her back.

They entered the house to the smell of Spaghetti Bolognese and garlic bread filling their senses – they all knew that Donna's mom did the best spag-bol, Harvey was excited to try it.

Jim was sat at the dining table already, an oxygen tube secure to his nose and his skin incredibly pale. Donna tried not to react but the reality was that he looked sick, really sick.

"Hey dad," she said, walking over to give him a kiss on the cheek. "How are you feeling?"

"Today's an okay day," he smiled, taking her hand and giving a reassuring squeeze. "Hey nugget," he smiled at Ella who bound up to him, a little overwhelmed by the sight of her unwell grandfather.

"Is it spag-bol?" The child asked her grandfather.

"Oh yeah, gran's making it for a special guest. Apparently, it's their favorite," he replied, pretending to be oblivious.

"It's my favorite too!" Ella beamed.

"Then I suppose the special guest must be you!" His statement elicited an excitable squeal from Ella, who was now grinning from ear to ear.

"Hi James," Harvey said while not getting too close, separated by the dining table.

"Harvey." The older man's smile faded and he gave a curt nod. A tension filled the chasm between them, noticed by not only Donna but Ella too. The child twisted her lips to the side, eyes flicking between the two men, before deciding to interject.

"Grandpa, do you want to see how Harvey decorated my bedroom? Mom has pictures!" She was excited, ready to show off her new life to one of the people who raised and loved her dearly.

"Of course, sweetheart," he grinned and Donna smirked, a hand ruffling the hair at the back of Ella's head.

Harvey helped Deborah serve their lunch, insisting Donna stay with her dad for two reasons. The first being that they should spend time together, he was sick and seemingly only getting sicker. The second being that the thought of Donna leaving him and her father alone in a room together was one of his worst nightmares.

The women's hope that the tension would dissipate once food was on the table but their hopes went unfulfilled. It was uncomfortable for everyone, even Ella being fully aware of the strong dislike.

"How's your food, Ella?" Deborah asked, trying to break the air.

"Scrumptious," she grinned before slurping some spaghetti. Another silence ensued, Donna pushing her food around her plate while trying to come up with something to say. She wetted her lips before sipping her glass of wine.

"Work hasn't been as stressful recently," _aside from Luke_.

"Oh, really sweetheart? That's great," her mother smiled, feeling equally as awkward. "Have you had any big wins recently Harvey?"

"You know me, Debbie, always having big wins." He smirks as he speaks, the woman chuckling with a small eye roll. It was playful, the pair got on well – unlike with Jim.

"That's enough." Jim stated firmly, dropping his fork with a loud clatter. Everyone froze, shocked by the outburst from the previously silent man.

"Not now, Jim," Deborah sighed, reaching for her drink.

"Yes, now. You might be comfortable with those kinds of jokes but I'm not." His agitation and disgrace confused Donna and Harvey, who threw a glance of at each other before returning their attention to her dad.

"Dad?" Donna's voice was low, tilting her head as she tried to understand.

"Ignore him, Don," her mother interjected, returning to her food.

"Just because you believe it doesn't mean I have to."

"Believe what?" Harvey queried, eyes flicking to the very concerned-looking Ella sat opposite him.

"I don't believe that you're not Ella's father."

The confession led to gasps from the couple, Deborah hanging her head with a sigh, exclaiming Jim's name in frustration.

"Ella, why don't you go play?" Donna suggested, turning to the child who looked completely overwhelmed by the situation. She hesitated, stuck between choosing her food and her toys, but she left nonetheless, creeping out of the room in confusion.

"I'm not her dad, James."

"He's right!" Donna insisted with wide eyes, hand falling onto Harvey's on the table. Her father looked unconvinced, furrowing his brow, shallow breathing taking over.

"I'm sorry, Harvey," Deborah said, glaring at her husband.

"You're certain?" Jim asked, leaning back in his seat.

"Dad, it's biologically impossible." She watched his face, him seemingly starting to believe her. "You know what? It would make it a whole lot easier if he was."

And with that she stood abruptly, gathering a couple of plates and rolling her eyes before marching out. Her mother stood next, about to take some dishes, before Harvey stopped her.

"We'll do it," he smiled, taking the dish from in front of her.

"I'll go see if Ella wants me to save hers," Deborah announced, leaving the room, heading to the living room where she found cartoons on the television and Ella sat on the couch.

"Want anymore of your lunch?" She asked from the doorway.

"Maybe," the girl replied, eyes still glued to the screen.

"What are you watching?" She began to walk towards the couch, Ella still not giving her a second look.

"Grandpa should believe my mom." The child said it bluntly, jiggling her feet as they dangled off the seat.

"I know," her grandma replied, sitting down next to her.

"Harvey isn't my dad." Ella looked to Deborah now, shaking her head.

"No, he's not," she confirmed. She scanned the girl's face, her matter-of-factness coming as a surprise. "Do you know who is your dad, Ella?"

The child shook her head and tucked a hair behind her ear, giggling at the show in front of her.

"Harvey does," she said after a short silence. Deborah found her head snapping from the TV to the child in shock, taken aback by the unexpected statement.

"He does?" She queried and Ella nodded.

"They were talking about him this morning." She leant forward, off of the couch to grab her bag.

"What did they say, sweetie?" The child was pulling out a pad of paper and marker pens, scattering them on the coffee table.

"I didn't hear all of it," Ella began, taking the cap off of a marker. "Harvey said he wouldn't let my dad hurt mom," she revealed, tongue peeking out through her lips as she concentrated on her drawing.

Her grandmother leant into the couch, unsure what to make of it, mouth agape and brow furrowed as she pondered the possibilities. Donna had lied to them for years – which wasn't a surprise but still wasn't a pleasant discovery – telling them that Ella was the result of a one-night stand. She thought that could've had an impact on the struggle her daughter had faced during her pregnancy but the idea she could've been scared or worried about the father was so much worse.

She was worried, more worried about Donna than she'd been in years. _Why was Harvey protecting her? Who from? How much could this man hurt her? How much had he hurt her already? _


	13. Chapter 13

**Hello all, it's been a while! Still plodding away and am also just very busy. I've been planning and writing not only this story but a new one that I'm working on and have more inspiration for (and am already feeling a little proud of, I'll be honest). This chapter is slightly shorter, mainly because it's a bit more manageable for me and I won't get bogged down with an unfinished chapter waiting in my files, but also because that's just how I could get it to work best when I was translating my thoughts to the page.**

**Thank you so much to those of you still reading this, you've been hanging in there and I applaud you! Thanks, as always, to Jess for being the superstar beta she is!**

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"I just can't believe he's never believed me," Donna exclaimed, drying a plate with a tea towel before handing it to Harvey who put it away.

"What was the story you gave them?" He pondered, reaching for the coffee beside him that they'd just brewed.

"I said he was a one-night stand whom I barely knew." She said it with a sigh, accepting the mug he offered her.

"Maybe because he didn't think you were like that." Harvey's suggestion was kind but it didn't work for her.

"My mom definitely didn't believe that story but she still believed me when I said Ella wasn't yours." She felt disappointed, saddened that her father didn't trust her or believe in Harvey.

"I meant what I said, you know." She sipped her coffee, awaiting a reply.

"I think anything would've been easier than-" he stopped, not wanting to bring it up. It was neither the time nor the place.

"Not just because of that," she continued and watched his face begin to contort in confusion. "You're great with her. We're lucky to have you," she smiled and watched his smile grow too.

"She's a good kid," he grinned.

"That she is," came the voice of Deborah, entering the kitchen. "She doesn't want the rest of her food," she continued as she grabbed the plate off the side, heading towards the bin to scrape off its contents.

"Yeah, well, you would say that," Donna smirked, taking the plate from her mother and turning on the tap.

"You don't give yourself enough credit," Deborah told her while pouring a coffee for herself and Jim too. "I think your father would probably feel better about it if he could put a name and a face to the mystery man." She was probing, testing the waters, wondering whether what Ella said carried any weight.

Donna paused, turning the tap off and silencing the room, placing the plate down in the sink.

"Why does it matter?" She questioned, not looking at her mother.

"It doesn't, I just thought-" Deborah stopped herself, not even certain where she was going with it. "Ignore me. I'll wash that up, you two go sit down."

X

The sound of small footsteps pattered towards the living room, where the four adults were sitting in front of the television, wine glasses in hands and discussions taking place about how much money the Deal or No Deal contestant would come away with. The show was, to put it frankly, not one that Harvey nor Donna particularly liked but was one that her father had grown to enjoy since his illness had returned and, given the nature of his health, the three other adults were more than happy to oblige.

The reality was, Jim was sicker than Donna had ever seen. She knew it was bad, worse than her parents had been letting on, but after the tense lunch they'd shared, she decided not to press on the matter that day. She hoped her mother or father would bring up the news of his clear regression of their own accord, but her mother was as stubborn as she was.

Donna heard the faint sounds coming from the hallway, her head turning to the doorway to see ginger curls and a sky-blue eye peeking out from the side.

"Hey you, you're supposed to be in bed." Donna said to the girl, grabbing the attention of everyone in the room.

"I can't sleep," she replied, emerging from behind the frame and swinging her arms either side of her.

"Count sheep," Jim replied, eliciting a smirk from both Deborah and Donna—it was a response his daughter had received on almost every occasion, both knowing it was completely useless and only there to tease an already exhausted small Donna, or this time an Ella.

"That doesn't work. There's not even any sheep to count!" The girl exclaimed, wide eyed.

"Do you want me to read you another story?" Deborah asked, eyes shifting regularly between her granddaughter and the television, finding herself more invested in the competition than she anticipated.

"You and mom read me two already and they didn't work," she moaned. She scratched the side of her nose before wiping her sore, tired eyes with the back of her hand.

"C'mon, you don't want to be tired tomorrow." Donna smiled, standing from her seat and releasing the hand which had been linked with Harvey's.

Donna led her reluctant daughter up the stairs, the child saying her second lot of goodnights to her family before trudging slowly up the stairs behind the taller redhead.

"Mom, are we definitely going to see the butterflies at the science center tomorrow?" Ella asked once she'd climbed back into the bed, her mother perching beside her.

"Yeah, of course," came the reply and Donna tucked the covers up around the child.

"All of us?"

"I hope so. As long as grandpa feels well enough then yeah, all of us." The words left a bitter taste in Donna's mouth, reluctant to accept just how ill her father was but knowing she couldn't hide from the truth.

"You're definitely, for sure, certainly coming?" Ella asked quietly, eyebrows raised and lines creasing on her forehead.

"I promise you; I'm coming. Why wouldn't I?" Her hand was smoothing the child's wavy hair, gently stroking her head.

"Because you always leave after putting me to bed at grandmas." It was a true statement, told bluntly by an unknowing child, but it went straight through Donna's heart. "I don't want you to go." Ella whispered sadly after.

"I'm not going anywhere," Donna replied softly, hand stilling on the side of Ella's head, cupping her cheek.

"Can you stay up here?" Ella asked. "Please?"

Donna simply nodded, shuffling Ella across the bed slightly so she could curl up next to her. One arm was lying above Ella's head on the pillow, the other placed gently across her body while she snuggled into her mother.

They stayed like that until Ella fell asleep, which was admittedly longer than Donna expected, Ella engaging in whispered conversations to fight off her tiredness. Until finally, her body and mind gave in, too exhausted to hold off any longer.

Donna waited a few minutes longer, not wanting to wake the child when she left the bed. It wouldn't take too long, Ella able to fall quickly into a deep sleep just like her mother typically would.

She crept out of the room, ever so gently pulling the door to a close. She passed down the hall towards the stairs, only to find herself greeted by Deborah on her approach.

"I was just coming to see if the two of you were okay!" The older woman exclaimed upon meeting her daughter.

"Yeah, it just took her a while to drift off," Donna revealed, before giving in and confessing why. "She was worried I would leave her here, be gone when she woke up tomorrow." It was said with a heavy heart and Deborah found herself placing a comforting hand on her daughter's shoulder.

"Don't worry about it." A phrase that is said all too often and yet, when Donna heard Deborah say it, it had a depth and a meaning and a sincerity about it. For Deborah knew that it would worry Donna, cause her mind to hone in on anything she'd done as a mother that was less than perfect, and it killed her to see her own daughter doubt the one thing she was best at.

"While we're up here, I do need to talk to you about something else," Deborah revealed. Donna's mind instantly jumped to her father's illness, preparing herself for bad news as she followed her mother into her room.

"Ella said something earlier that worried me," Deborah began once she'd closed the door and gestured for Donna to sit on her bed. "And I wasn't sure whether to bring it up because it's not easy but I'm worried, Donna. I'm worried about you."

"Me? Why?" Donna asked, feigning cluelessness but knowing her recent instability hadn't gone amiss with the child, particularly given the hysterics of the night before. But it wasn't only that. It was the night terrors and the moodiness and the tears and the general sadness that had overtaken the redhead.

"After lunch, she said something that I just can't ignore," Deborah uttered slowly, Donna waiting on the edge of her seat. "Something about her father…"

Deborah watched as her daughter gulped, the air becoming thick with tension.

"She said that Harvey wouldn't let him hurt you."

There was a pregnant pause, both having so much to say but finding nothing at all. Silenced. Until,

"He just meant it figuratively," Donna said at last. But her mother's tilted head and worried eyes, concern etched into her face like a line drawing, told her that the lie wasn't believed one bit.

"No, he didn't." Deborah said it so softly and yet with such certainty that Donna wasn't entirely sure what to respond with, a faint nausea sitting in the back of her throat as she flitted her eyes away.

"What happened, Donna?" She placed a hand on the younger woman's—which were in Donna's own lap—and studied her vacant expression, watching as she began to slowly and slightly shake her head. "I can't help if you don't tell me."

"You can't help anyway," Donna muttered, still not looking her mother's way. Instead, her eyes had found a place on the floor to stare at.

"I want to try," Deborah fought back, calmly pushing against her daughter's walls. "Please, for once in your life, let me in, Donna."

The woman in question bit her lip, swallowing hard and closing her eyes, the two choices she had fighting against each other in her mind. She could stay and open up, tell her mother what happened. Or she could go, upsetting her mother while protecting herself.

The silence seemed to last forever, Deborah waiting anxiously for her daughter to respond. To say something, anything.

"Have you been watching the news the last couple of days?" Donna asked, taking Deborah by surprise.

"I caught a couple of glimpses, yeah."

"Did you hear about the attorney in New York?" Donna wondered, walking around the issue as best she could. "The one on bail?"

"I think so," Deborah replied whilst scanning her brain. "He assaulted several women?" She asked and received a nod in confirmation. Donna wet her lips with her tongue before continuing.

"He's Ella's father." Donna finally looked at her mother again, who sucked in a deep breath. "And I should've known-"

"No, honey, you couldn't have known. You don't have to read everything in everybody all the time." Deborah was trying her damnedest to be a soothing voice for her daughter and it was something she was good at, comforting people. Yet, this felt so much harder and she wasn't entirely sure why.

"I was just so stupid and he was so charming," she whispered, her gaze falling to her lap to make it easier. "And, god, even when-"

She stopped herself, not sure she really wanted to go on but knowing that now she'd started, she couldn't exactly stop.

"Even when he tried it on with me, I forgave him and…" She trailed off, not certain of where she was going or what words would next tumble out of her mouth.

"We can't help who we're attracted to, dear."

"I wasn't attracted to him."

Donna's statement was followed by another silence, one of realisation as Deborah's fears assumed the worst. A panic growing within, finding herself too scared to continue asking questions. But she must, for both of their sakes.

"Donna," she mumbled quietly to the woman who'd turned her face completely away, Deborah met only by long red hair. "Did he hurt you?"

The question was barely above a whisper, her throat constricted and voice seeming impossible to find.

She got her answer in the form of Donna's sharp inhale and shaky exhale, a subtle sob that was concealed from view but easy to work out. It ripped through her, the sound of what could only be described as immense pain and heartbreak, harboured within for so many years.

Tears pricked her own eyes too, the revelation shooting right to her heart, piercing it at incredible speed.

"Please don't tell dad," a shaky voice pleaded. Donna soon turned back to her mother, not wiping the tear tracks from her cheeks, too worried to care about the couple of droplets that had escaped as the memory and fear culminated behind her eyes. "It's not fair, not when he's so sick. Because I know he's worse than what you said."

There was a beat and a hesitance from her mother, so she continued.

"I don't want him to remember that. I don't want him to remember me like that or Ella like that, because he's not going to get better. Is he?"

The look of resignation on her mother's face told Donna all she needed to know: she was right, and her mother wouldn't say a word.

"Come here," Deborah muttered, snaking an arm around her daughter's shoulder and pulling her in to a hug. It was warm, comforting and, for the briefest of moments, made everything feel like it was going to be alright.

"We probably shouldn't leave dad and Harvey down there for too long," Donna joked and her mother chuckled. She gave Donna's shoulder a slight squeeze, to comfort herself just as much as her, holding them just a couple of moments later.


	14. Chapter 14

_Hey all! I'm sorry it's been so long since the last chapter and sorry this one isn't longer! But I figured something shorter was better than nothing. I hope you like it and hopefully the next chapter won't be too far away!_

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When Donna woke up the next morning, she found the space beside her empty. She stretched with a groan before shutting her eyes again and planting her hand upon her forehead. It was a relief knowing she wasn't keeping a secret from her mother anymore but she didn't want to face her for the first time.

"Good morning," Harvey said from the doorway, smiling at her dressed only in a towel after his shower.

"Morning," she smiled, sitting up.

"What's wrong?" He asked, walking over and sitting on the side of the bed.

"Nothing," she said, trying to assure him but failing.

"Is this about your mom?" He asked and watched as Donna sighed, flicking her eyes away briefly. "Do you regret telling her?"

"No," Donna replied instantly, "no, of course not. It's just," she began before she took a moment's pause. "It's just different now, you know? Not good, not bad, but different."

Harvey nodded. He understood, kind of. He knew he'd never really understand but he could grasp parts of it here and there and he knew the feeling of difference. That irreversible change that you know is for the best but causes uneasiness to swirl inside because things will never be the same again.

"I'm gonna go shower," Donna said and she placed a kiss against his lips.

X

When Donna headed down the stairs, she could smell coffee and pancakes spreading out from the kitchen and could hear her daughter giggling at something.

"Hey," she said when she entered the kitchen. "How's dad doing?"

"I don't think he'll be coming out today," she revealed and Donna breathed a heavy sigh. "And to answer your other question, no, he doesn't," Deborah said and her daughter responded with a grateful nod.

"Look mommy, it's you!" Ella grins, holding up a photo of a young Donna, around Ella's age and bearing a striking resemblance.

"Wow," she chuckled, leaning closer and looking at her younger self dressed as an angel in a nativity.

"Show Harvey!" Ella instructed. Donna smiled and took the photo, walking over to Harvey who was pouring pancake batter into a hot pan.

"Oh my god," he said. "She really is your mini me. Is this for your family tree, Ella?" He asked, the child having been sent home with the project to complete over the weekend.

"Uh-huh," she nodded, taking a sip of her juice.

"We were looking for photos of Jim and I, and photos of our families," Deborah told them, pointing to a pile of photos she'd gathered to use.

"Grandma got this pink paper," Ella said excitedly, placing her hands on it. Deborah had a stash of paper she used for craft projects.

"It'll look good," Donna said, pouring herself a coffee as Harvey emptied a punnet of strawberries into a bowl.

"Oh, looks like breakfast might be ready, Ella! Let's put this away until after," Deborah said, beginning to scoop up the photos in front of them.

"Can we get pictures of my dad after?" Ella asked, helping to pick up some of the photos and totally oblivious to the reactions of the adults around her. Harvey nearly dropped the plate of pancakes he was holding, Donna nearly choked on her coffee and Deborah had to suppress a gasp.

They probably shouldn't have been so shocked, she was bound to ask at some point, but no one was really expecting it.

"You don't need any," her grandmother told her, placing the pictures back in their box.

"Yeah I do," Ella said. "My teacher said so."

"All families are different, ours is too," Donna said as she grabbed some plates from a cupboard. "Sophie won't put a dad on hers, she'll put two mums," she explained. "You're putting one mum and that's okay."

X

They had a good day visiting the science center. Jim didn't feel well enough to go so it was just the four of them and Ella was especially excited about a dinosaur exhibit that was on. They bought her a cuddly velociraptor—or a flossy raptor, as Ella would say—from the gift shop at the end.

After, they ended up at a park with a playground. It was nearby the center and surprisingly pretty empty for a weekend and Ella begged with puppy dog eyes to climb over the climbing frame. She ran towards it after being given permission and her mother followed with a grin, elated she was making up for moments she'd lost because of him.

"Here," Harvey said, passing Deborah a steaming coffee he'd bought from the coffee hut and sitting next to her on the bench.

They watched as Ella ran across the roped pathway on the wooden climbing frame, meeting Donna at the other end of it before propelling herself down the slide with a beaming grin.

"She told me," Deborah said, breaking the silence while keeping her eyes fixed on her family ahead of her.

"I know," Harvey smiled.

"I know she told you recently, too," she continued, sipping on her drink. "To think she was going through all that pain and didn't tell a soul…"

"Sometimes I wonder if I should've realised," Harvey confessed, tapping the side of the cardboard cup. "We spent so much time together yet I didn't have a clue," he said solemnly and Deborah looked to him with pained eyes.

"You couldn't have known," she assured him. "Not if Donna didn't want you to. When those walls go up, there's no breaking them down."

"Sometimes, I look at her and I see so much sadness in her eyes. She smiles but she's so sad," Harvey said sadly. He turned his cup between his fingers, thinking about the times he didn't see it at all.

"She needs help, more than anything we can do," Deborah sighed before she took a sip of her drink.

"I don't know if she'd agree," Harvey scoffed. He watched Donna laugh after Ella said something before the child flew down the plastic slide off of the climbing frame.

"She's always been headstrong," her mother said. "Sometimes, too much for her own good."

"She'd rather fix everybody else's problems and help them understand their emotions than help herself," he smiled and turned to Deborah. "But she'll be okay, she's Donna."

X

They headed back to New York not long after returning from the park, Harvey driving them home. Ella fell asleep in the car, clinging onto her new cuddly toy, head tipped back in her seat with her curls splayed over her shoulders.

"Before I say this, I want you to know I'm only saying it because I care about you," Harvey said, interrupting the quiet jazz that was playing. Donna looked to him immediately, worried about what was going to come out of his mouth.

"Have you thought about talking to someone?" He suggested and Donna took a deep breath.

"What? Like a therapist?" She asked.

"Well, yeah," Harvey replied and heard her sigh. "And before you say anything, you'd be the first to recommend it to anyone else. It helps to talk about things, I promise," he said, glancing over at her briefly.

"Can I promise to think about it?"

He nodded. It was more than he expected from her and he was hopeful she would.

"For now, I just want to try to get back to normal. That man has nothing to do with us now," she said with a weak smile.

Harvey wasn't going to press.


	15. Chapter 15

_Hello readers. This is indeed the final chapter. I hope you like it! This story has been a journey, those who follow me on twitter know how I feel about it haha! Thanks so much to Jess for beta-ing this chapter, and thanks to her and May for the help they gave me on past chapters. _

_Thank you so much for every review, favourite and follow! I have appreciated all the support so much. I hope I do this story justice for those of you still sticking around after 16 months! _

_Until next time, _

_Jess._

* * *

When Donna awoke that morning, it was after the best night's sleep she'd had in weeks. She put it down to finally telling people, sharing the pain with the loved ones around her and being free of one of the most draining secrets she'd ever have to keep.

They had a good start to the day, Donna and Harvey. Early morning kisses, his lips tracing her freckles. They drank vanilla coffee that was black with two sugars and laughed over breakfast. They rode in the elevator hand-in-hand up to the 50th floor and parted ways with a smile once they reached it.

Harvey had managed to forget about Luke when he arrived at his office that morning but it didn't take long for him to be reminded.

"Harvey," Alex said as he entered the corner office to find Harvey sitting at his desk.

"Alex, hey," he smiled up from his laptop. "What can I do for you?" He asked.

"For a start, you can tell me why you cancelled the other night."

The sentence snapped Harvey back to reality and he couldn't help but sigh as Alex sat down in one of the chairs on the other side of the desk.

"I mean, what the hell, Harvey?" Alex continued; his brows furrowed as he awaited a response.

"I didn't want to have dinner with him," Harvey shrugged.

"Neither did I but I didn't pussy out," Alex said and he raised his eyebrows, making it clear he wanted an explanation.

"You might be comfortable with having dinner with a predator but I'm not," Harvey said. "I had no interest in even talking to him, let alone representing him. If you think that makes me a pussy, so be it."

"Donna said something to you, didn't she?" Alex asked and Harvey felt the wind go out of his chest. His face said it all: a blank look of shock taking over as he scrambled for the words to say, wondering how he could respond and how Alex could even know anything.

"I get it. I didn't tell Rosalie the full truth and she doesn't have Donna's intuition," Alex confessed and Harvey felt himself relax, pursing his lips.

"Yeah, she made me realise I'd be making a huge mistake by meeting him even if I said no," he revealed and his friend nodded.

X

Donna fiddled with the corner of the copies she'd just made on her way back to her office, thinking about their Sunday spent in Connecticut and Ella's excitement throughout their day. It was late afternoon and she was eager to leave. Since Ella had become a bigger part of her life, she'd found her priorities shifting and being at the office seemed far less important than it did before.

It was strange. She'd used work to cope, to return to normal and try to get her life back on track but in reality, it couldn't compare to the responsibility she'd been running from. The office was nothing compared to her daughter and maybe, just maybe, she was as great at being a mom as she was at kicking ass in the corporate world. She'd found herself beginning to wonder why she let herself become so plagued with self-doubt and why she was so certain she couldn't be a mother without the reminder of him.

"Hi, Donna," she heard as she stepped into her office. It stopped her immediately, sending a shiver down her spine that made her freeze. She suddenly felt trapped, even if she could turn around and walk right out again, it seemed impossible.

She opened her mouth but words failed her, nothing but silence escaped her lips as she stumbled over non-existent sounds. She felt like she couldn't do anything; move, talk, breathe. It was as if the walls were closing in and she had no way to push back.

"I was just getting to know Ella here," he said. He was sat on the sofa at the other end of her office, her daughter on the floor in front of it and leaning on the coffee table as she coloured something in. "Mel dropped her off and I said I'd watch her until you got back," he smiled but there was a frostiness about it.

Donna felt her eye twitching as she scrambled around her brain looking for something to say. She wet her lips and bit down slightly as she mustered the courage to speak.

"Ella," she said, catching the child's attention. "How about you go and help Gretchen?" Donna suggested and Ella looked between the two adults in the room before getting up and leaving, passing her mother on the way out.

"She's a sweet kid," Luke said after she left.

"What, um," she began, already mentally cursing herself for hesitating. "What are you doing here?"

"Thought I'd stop by," he smiled. "Nice office, I see you've moved up in the world."

Donna didn't say anything. She didn't want to play any games, she just wanted him gone.

"You think I don't know it was you who sabotaged mine and Harvey's deal all those years ago?" He asked but Donna refrained from reacting. "Doesn't take a genius to work out why he didn't turn up to dinner the other night."

"He didn't want to go," Donna said with a slight shake of her head.

"And you expect me to believe you didn't have a hand in that?" He scoffed, a smirk emerging on his face as he stood up. She felt herself take a step back instinctively, it happened before she could even register that she was moving and it embarrassed her.

"Ella said she was 6," he said before he pursed his lips.

"Yeah, that's right," Donna replied, trying to ignore the nausea rising through her chest.

"Do you have something you forgot to tell me?" He asked, stepping around the coffee table and a couple of steps closer to her. She took another step back and felt herself collide with the wall behind her. It triggered a panic inside of her which she tried to swallow.

"Um, no, no I don't think so," she said with a forced smile but she could feel her eye twitch. She could see he didn't believe her; the way his eyebrows rose and he let out a nasal breath as he glanced to the side briefly. "She's Harvey's," she said in a moment of panic. Her words ran out faster than she could control and suddenly she was fuelling the fires of speculation.

"So, it was like that between the two of you?" He smirked.

She couldn't think up a response and she felt her eyes dart around the office as the anxiety grew. Which is why when she saw him, she was more relieved than he'd ever know.

"What's going on?" He asked as he stepped through the doorway and into Donna's office. He couldn't see Luke's face but he knew who it was, especially given the look on Donna's face and the way she'd backed herself against the wall.

"Harvey!" Luke said with a smile upon turning around. "I was looking for you."

"Oh yeah? Then what are you doing in here?" Harvey asked. His jaw was clenched and his fist tightening in his pocket as he tried to restrain himself.

"Thought I'd check in with an old friend while I was here," Luke replied.

"Well I think you're done, don't you?" Harvey said with his words clipped as he tried to keep his composure. Luke let out a chuckle, briefly looking down before back up at Harvey with a smug smile.

"Congratulations, by the way," he said and Harvey didn't flinch even if he didn't know what he was being congratulated for.

"I met Ella. Didn't know you had a kid," he continued. Luke was testing him and Harvey knew it, responding with a seemingly sincere smile.

"That's because it's none of your business," Harvey said before he took a deep breath in an attempt to stay calm. It was taking every ounce of his being not to let his anger get the better of him and lash out.

"Talking about business," Luke said and swiped his fingers against his bottom lip. "I can't believe you let her sabotage our working relationship again."

"She didn't sabotage anything, Luke, because I had no interest in being your counsel," Harvey spat at the man ahead of him. He laughed at the statement, firmly planting his hands in his pockets as he did.

"I can't tell whether you know she's doing this because she regrets sleeping with me," Luke grinned and it was enough to make something snap inside Harvey. He lunged forward in two long strides, reaching for the lapels on Manning's suit which he gripped tightly onto. His knuckles whitened as Luke scoffed with a smug smirk.

"You son of a bitch."

"Harvey, don't," Donna said from across the room. Her voice wobbled when she spoke and Harvey looked over to her to see her eyes glistening from the tears that pooled.

"I know what you are," he hissed in Luke's face. "And I know what you did."

Harvey's breathing was heavy as he continued to clench his jaw and refrain from reacting with his fists. He knew it would only land him in shit and he knew Donna didn't want—or need—that, but the fury that he could feel building up inside of him was hard to resist.

"Get out and stay out… because I will beat the shit out of you if I see you around here again."

His voice was low and strained, and the man within his grip knew he'd be a fool to hang around. He knew Harvey Specter, both the man behind the reputation and the name that echoed around New York, and neither gave him a reason to doubt his word.

After Harvey loosened his grip, Luke Manning sauntered out with a cocky smirk and pocketed his hand after flattening his lapel, leaving Donna and Harvey alone.

"Harvey, I'm sorry," she began, stepping forward. She felt like she had been holding her breath the entire time he was there and the relief that washed over her when he walked out of her office made her whole body relax. "He met Ella, he was suspicious and I panicked and I lied and-"

"It's okay," Harvey said softly. He got it.

He walked closer to her and placed his hands on her arms, holding her as his thumbs gently glided over her freckles. "Are you okay?"

She responded with a silent nod, not quite looking him in the eyes as she attempted to pull herself together.

"Hey," he whispered and he lifted her chin to get her to look at him. "He's gone. Come here." He pulled her into a hug, enveloping her in his arms as her chin rested on his shoulder. He felt her fingers grip tightly into his shoulder blades.

Donna tightly closed her eyes, fighting back the tears that threatened to fall as she clung onto her lifeline. She knew Luke wouldn't do anything, rationally she knew he wouldn't lay a finger on her in the office but the fear that he sparked inside her was something she couldn't control. The anxiety swamped her, engulfing her whether she wanted it to or not.

"Can I come back now?" Ella asked from the doorway, swinging her arms beside her and completely oblivious to anything going on.

"Yeah," Donna said still facing away. She let go of Harvey and quickly lifted a hand to her face so she could brush away the tear that had just managed to slip out, then sniffed and forced a smile before she turned around.

"I have a question," Ella announced, looking between Harvey and Donna. "I had an idea."

"What's that?" Harvey smiled, tilting his head.

"Can I put you on my tree?" She asked eagerly, and the question took both adults back.

Harvey's grin widened and he felt a new kind of pride bubble up inside as he looked to his girlfriend next to him. She flashed him a smile which encouraged him to look back to the child.

"If that's what you want, yeah."

"Good, now we can get on with it!" Ella said with an exaggerated nod before she returned to the spot on the couch she'd been sat in earlier.

X

"3 books later and she has finally settled into bed," Donna laughed as she walked across the room. "That is why you don't give her sugar so close to bedtime," she smirked and Harvey chuckled.

"Well, you timed it well. Dinner just arrived," he said and flipped the lid of the pizza box open to reveal an array of yellow tomatoes.

"Mmm."

He passed her a glass of wine before he picked up the piece of paper he'd been looking at and tucked it into the bag on the counter.

"You love that tree, don't you?"

"I do," he smiled as he picked up the pizza box.

"She loves you," Donna said, taking a sip of her drink.

"I love her too." He walked over to the couch, sitting down and placing his drink and the food on the coffee table ahead of him. Donna followed, sinking down beside him and tucking a leg up underneath her.

"You know, I hate to admit it but she used to remind me of him," Donna confessed, looking into her glass at the liquid she was swirling around. "But today, she was the best distraction…"

"Donna…"

"I know it sounds stupid but I," she paused to let go of a sigh. "I thought that he would stop me from being the mother I should be. I was wrong."

"Yeah, you were, but that's not on you," Harvey said reassuringly, his smooth voice reminding her she's where she's supposed to be.

"I know." She looked up and her eyes met his, and it still made her breath catch, and she waited for a moment so she could take them in. Take him in. "I was thinking about what you said, about talking to someone."

She sipped on her wine before she continued to talk, relying on her ever-reliable ally.

"I don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm tired of feeling powerless and I know that I can't just put it in a box in the back of my head anymore, so I'll find a good therapist," she revealed and Harvey couldn't help but smile.

"I'm proud of you," he said and he was. He was so proud he thought he might burst.

"Oh, and there's something I need to say," she began, catching his intrigue. "It was me who sabotaged the deal between you and him all those years ago."

"I know," he whispered.

"I once told you I wouldn't let anything happen to you and I might not have been able to protect you back then," Harvey told her. "But I love you, Donna Paulsen, and I will do the best I can."

"I love you too, Harvey Specter," she whispered before she leant in and kissed him, her hand running over his short tufts of hair.

"Right, let's eat this before it goes cold."

And for the first time in years, Donna genuinely felt like things might be okay. Not just on the surface level, either. She felt like she could reclaim power over the fears that had plagued her, that she could finally put some feelings to rest rather than trying to suppress them. She felt a new kind of acceptance for the fact that yes, her life panned out in a way she didn't expect, but embracing that doesn't mean she's out of control.

Things would never go back to the way they'd been before but she didn't want them to and she never had, not really, not deep down. The difference was that she was on the road to feeling a lot less guilty and ashamed about actions and reactions she couldn't control. Finally, she could imagine in a life where she didn't have to bury her biggest secrets from those closest to her. A life with a new family she didn't anticipate before, but now felt like that was the way it had always been.

**-THE END-**


End file.
